Love Letters
by tiltingaxis
Summary: re-upload. 1 month apart, 30 days and 100 letters. It's going to be a Summer to remember. Canon up to season 1
1. Epiphany

**A/N: Last re-upload from me =)**

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><p>Rachel stood nervously in front of his house and rang the doorbell. He wasn't going to like it, she knew. He was probably going to think it was a really bad idea. She thought about doing it alone and going by herself. But when she puts herself in the scenario, she really feels that she would need his support. She might just break down, and she wanted him to be there for her. Plus, maybe he would be upset with her if she didn't tell and he found out. She heard footsteps leading up to the door before it swung open revealing the annoyed, sleepy face of one Kurt Hummel.<p>

"Oh for the love of God," he groaned when he saw her. "What are you doing at the place I live?" She frowned.

"I'm looking for Finn," she answered shortly, not bothering with the niceties. The boy's contempt for her always left her feeling a little inedaquate. And a little victimized.

"It's eight a.m. On a Saturday miss Berry. Did you really think he was going to be up at this early in the morning?" Kurt asked as he yawned. She felt her spirits deflating. He had a point. Maybe it was a sign she shouldn't tell Finn. From behind Kurt, she saw his mother walking down the stairs in a bathrobe. Carole smiled as she saw Rachel.

"Kurt honey what are you doing talking to Rachel by the door? Invite her in!" Kurt rolled his eyes and stepped aside. He made a great show of bowing and ushering her in.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to my basement to continue my morning ritual. Your unholy ringing has messed with my masking schedule." She felt apologetic as the small boy stalked down the stairs in a huff. She hated it when people messed up her schedule too. She stood awkwardly by the door, not knowing what to do as Burt Hummel walked down the stairs, bleary-eyed. He stopped short when he saw her, a confused look on his face.

"Who are you?" Rachel pasted a bright smile on her face and waved.

"Hi! Good morning Mr Hummel. My name is Rachel Berry and I'm Finn's girlfriend," she answered with a wide smile.

"Oh yeah. Ok. Does Finn know you're here? I didn't know the boy wakes up before noon on weekends."

"Actually, I was hoping I would be able to wake him up this morning. This is a spontaneous visit as I need to have discussion with him on a pertinent subject matter. I hope you don't mind. I didn't mean to intrude on your morning rituals," she ended apologetically, remembering Kurt. Burt stared at her in bewilderment before shaking his head.

"You're using too much words for this early in the morning little lady. Go on upstairs if you want to try and wake him. Good luck with that." He smiled at her before heading off towards the kitchen.

"Thank you very much! Have a good breakfast!" When she was alone, Rachel took a deep breath and took a step on the stairs. And then another. Slowly, she walked until she reached the top of the banister. This was the first time she had been to his house and it was making her nervous. She knew which room was his because there were only three doors and one was a bathroom while the other was open. Rachel knocked gently on the wood. When there was no answer, she tried the doorknob to find the door unlocked.

Slowly, she pushed it open. The room was dark, a line of sunlight escaping from a small gap between his curtains. She could hear his gentle snores and smiled to find him sprawled on the bed, his limbs everywhere. She closed the door behind her and walked over to his window to throw back the curtains. She heard him grunt incoherently before he slung his right arm over his eyes to protect them from the sudden brightness of the room.

"Finn," she said gently as she crouched down next to his bed. He made no move to acknowledge her presence. She pushed at his elbow gently at first. Then a little harder. "Finn wake up," she hissed.

"No school," he garbled incoherently, as he turned his body to face the wall. She sighed. This was going to be harder than she thought.

"Finn please wake up. I really need to talk to you," she pleaded as she pushed insistently against his side. He groaned and moved further towards the wall.

"Don't wanna," he grumbled, his eyes shut tight and his expression annoyed. She was about to cry. Standing up, she threw all of her weight into it as she jumped onto him. He woke up with a start and she almost fell off the bed. "I'm up, I'm up!" he exclaimed, disoriented and bleary eyed. "_Rachel_?" She realized she was straddling him and moved away, blushing.

"Good morning."

"What are you doing here? What time is it?"

"It's nine. And I came to see you."

"In the _morning_?" he groaned. "It's too early." He made a move to lie back down but she grabbed his hand insistently.

"Please, I need to talk to you."

"Can't this wait until later? Like maybe one or something?"

"I got excited," she mumbled apologetically. Why couldn't she wait a few hours? It wasn't like it was happening that very day. But she thought she could burst if she didn't ask him as soon as possible. Finn sighed as he sat up and leaned against the wall.

"Fine. Just let me go brush my teeth or whatever."

"Okay." She caught him muttering under his breath as he walked out the door, but the only words she could hear were "weekend" and "unholy". She frowned. He really needed to fix his sleeping habits if he wanted to ensure a healthy lifestyle. But she was digressing. While he was away, she took in the rest of his room. Almost everything were still in boxes. She shook her head and rolled her eyes. He moved in almost a month ago. He really should have everything in place by now. One corner of his room was stacked with video games and a small television.

She smiled when she saw her calender tacked neatly on the board in front of his desk. She can't believe he still kept it. She remembered the look on his face when she showed it to him. Pure horror wouldn't do the expression justice. She admitted at going a little crazy with them. But he had been pushing her away, always lying to her about where he was or what his plans were. She knew he was lying because she caught him once at the mall, sitting on a bench and staring dejectedly into the fountain in front of him. They were supposed to watch a movie and he told her he needed to help his mom with housework. Rachel had been desperate. And she read about it once in a magazine that his and hers calenders could help bring couples closer together. Obviously, the magazine lied. It only pushed him away further. She reminded herself that it was all in the past now. So much has happened since then, and they were happy. Finally happy. Rachel nodded her head and smiled as she waited for Finn to return.

"So what is it?" he asked as he walked into the room and took a seat next to her on the bed. She played with his bedspread, tracing the blue stripes with her finger. "Rach?" he asked after a while.

"I wanted to ask if you would be willing to accompany me somewhere," she said, still not looking up.

"Where?"

"Planned Parenthood." He scrambled off the bed and fell onto the floor.

"_What_?" he sputtered, looking up at her like a fish out of water.

"I'm kidding!" He glared at her from his position on the ground.

"That is not funny Rachel. You almost gave me a heart attack."

"I know. I'm very sorry. I don't know why I said that," she said apologetically, pulling his arm to help him up.

"If you woke me up to tell me stupid jokes like this I'm going back to sleep." He sat back next to her on the bed. They were both leaning against the wall and she didn't let go of his hand.

"No . I truly have something I wanted to say." Nervously, she squeezed his hand. He squeezed back as his thumb slowly stroked her knuckle.

"What?"

"Did you know Beth is moving to New York?" she asked slowly.

"Yeah Puck told me about that. He was kind of bummed about it. He keeps fighting with Quinn and calling me when he's drunk of his ass. It really sucks for him right now."

"Oh."

"Is that what you wanted to talk about?"

"I wanted to ask you something."

"What?"

"They're leaving on Monday." She didn't continue, unsure exactly what it was that was overwhelming her and making her chest throb so painfully.

"I know."

"Would you accompany me if I went to see her before she leaves? Tomorrow?" Finn sighed, his grip on her hand tightening.

"Rachel. I don't know if that's a good idea," he answered slowly.

"I'm not expecting anything," she said quietly, staring at the couple's calender she made for him. "I just want to say goodbye. I have something I want to give her before she leaves." When he said nothing, she laxed her grip and pulled away gently. "It's okay if you don't want to. I can go by myself. I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?" She felt her heart drop in disappoinment. Rachel forced herself to smile.

"Yes. I'll see you after that."

"No. Rachel of course I'll go. I meant are you sure about this? You really think it's a good idea?"

"Yes. No. I don't know." They were both quiet as she continued to look at the calender and he turned to look at her profile. Superimposing both their faces on cats was definitely not one of her finest moments. Finn sighed, running his free hand across his scalp.

"Okay."

"You sure?"

"No. But if you want to I'll be there"

"Thanks Finn," she said, finally looking up at him and smiling.

"Whatever. Just so you know, I don't like that woman."

"Noted." They smiled quietly at each other. She was so glad they were finally together. Sometimes, it felt like every bad thing that ever happened to her in the past few months were all supposed to lead her to this. Being together with him. It made her regrets feel more bearable. Finn stood up abruptly and startled her. She looked up to find him grinning down at her as he held out his hand.

"So I smell pancakes. What do you say? My mom makes the best chocolate chip pancakes ever."

"I'm in," she replied, grinning widely as she let him pull her up.

xxx

She arrived at his compound five minutes before she was supposed to. He was already waiting outside, his hands in his pockets. The sight of him relieved her and the nerves in her stoamch dissipated. She waved at him as he walked towards her car. She got out and stood by the open door.

"Is it okay if you drive?" she asked. "I'm too nervous." He gave her a reassuring smile and kissed her temple.

"No problem."

"Thanks." She walked over to the passenger side and opened the door. The old shoebox was sitting primly on the car seat. She picked it up and placed it on her lap, gripping it tightly. She felt her heart thumping against her chest as she imagined handing it over to her mother. They had already left the driveway and was driving slowly down the road. He was such a careful driver. He always abide by the rules and never missed a stop sign. She loves that about him. On the radio, the soundtrack to Les Miserables was playing. I Dreamed a Dream made its way into her ears and he was yawning loudly, probably bored by the tune. She wondered if maybe she was just a little masochistic. Maybe the years of verbal abuse and torment by her peers have left her with the need to humiliate herself further. In her heart, she knew the probability of this ending well was slim to none.

"What's with the box?" Finn asked, his eyes on the road.

"Something for Shelby." Maybe the woman would appreciate her letters. She used to write them with the hope that if her mother knew about them, she would search high and low for her. It wasn't like she wanted to be taken away or anything. She loves her fathers more than anything. But she was always curious. She always wanted to know. And she figured in some way, she owed her mother for a sliver of her sanity. Without those letters, maybe she would have gone off the deep end by the time she reached high school. Those letters kept her sane. The thought of her mother kept her grounded when she was at her worst. Her grip on the box tightened even further. He must have noticed because his hand were suddenly on hers, taking it and gripping it tight. His touch comforted her and her hold on the box relaxed slightly.

But that mother wasn't real. Wasn't Shelby. The mother she had envisioned wanted to know her, loved her even. The mother in her head would reply her letters telling Rachel she loves her and thought about her all the time. She would say that everybody was just jealous because they didn't have what she had. They didn't have her talent or her drive. They didn't have her fathers, who would go to the ends of the earth just as long as she was happy. But that mother didn't exist.

"We're here." He had parked on the other side of the road, two houses away. She felt like they were stalkers. Rachel frowned. She just wanted Shelby to know how much she meant to her. Or at least, the idea of Shelby. Now she wasn't sure. What was she doing here? She was going to give away her letters. To this woman who was her mother. But she wasn't her mom. Shelby said so herself. Would she even care? Rachel looked down at the box in her hands. There were one hundred letters in there. All addressed to her mother. The mother that never existed.

"Rachel?" His voice brought her back to where they were, in her car, near Shelby's house. He was looking at her in concern. Maybe he thought she was going crazy. Maybe she was. "What are you going to do?" It was a loaded question. She thought she knew the answer. Rachel was going to walk up the steps to her house, ring the doorbell, push the box into the woman's arms and say her final goodbye. Her wish was that when she saw the letters, Shelby would want to see her. That she would realize that there was still time to know each other, there was still time to make it work. But was that what she really wanted? Was that what Shelby wanted?

The door she was staring at suddenly swung open and she could see her. The woman she wants so badly to call mom, walking towards her car, her new daughter in her arms. She was smiling as she strapped the child in the baby seat. She looked happy. She didn't look like a woman who had any regrets. She didn't look like a woman who wanted to have anything to do with the daughter she left behind. Suddenly, Rachel understood perfectly. She was in the past. History. She was probably a memory that Shelby wished to discard. Now that she had her new start, Rachel was going to be just a distant memory. She had got what she wanted. A daughter. And that daughter wasn't Rachel.

"Let's go," she whispered softly. She hugged the box tightly against her chest. Shelby shouldn't have her letters. She didn't deserve to know Rachel at her worse. Not when she didn't even bother to know her at her best. Finn stared at her, frowning.

"You want to leave?" he asked skeptically. She nodded.

"This isn't right. I shouldn't be here." He placed a hand under her chin and forced her to look at him.

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yes." Her eyes bore into his unwaveringly. He shook his head, a small smile playing at his lips.

"Okay. Let's go." He started the engine and her grip on the shoebox laxed a little. As they drove past Shelby's house, she saw her mother look up. The woman stared at them with recognition dawning on her face. Rachel looked away. They drove past her.

"It's a good thing," he said as they reached the end of the street. He took the left turn that would lead them home.

"What is?"

"This. This is a good thing. You don't need her disappointing you anymore. I really don't like her." His nose was scrunched up in distaste and she grinned. She took his hand that was resting on the gear shift in both of hers and rested it on her lap, the shoebox now placed carefully on the floor by her feet. They were quiet the whole drive home. She ejected the CD playing Les Miserables and turned on the radio instead. Classic rock, his favorite. As she listened to him humming along to Deff Leppard, she thought about her letters.

She had written them when she felt everything around her was bringing her down, when she was close to the breaking point. It was meant for someone who would understand. Someone who would know everything about her, even the parts she hated, and would still love her and wouldn't turn her away. She used to think that person could be her mother. Maybe she wasn't being fair to Shelby for having that much expectations. Anyone would feel burdened. But Shelby left before she even knew about them. She never wanted them in the first place.

Maybe, Rachel thought, it was because they belonged to someone else. Someone who loves her, even after knowing almost everything about her. Someone who has seen her at her worst. She turned to him, taking in his profile. He was singing at the top of his lungs by now, his head bobbing along to the music. His fingers were tapping silently on the steering wheel and the hand she held was already drumming against her palm.

"You're beautiful." The words came out of nowhere. It just slipped through her mouth. They were at a stop sign and he turned to her, smiling in bemusement.

"Did you just say I was beautiful?" he asked, confused. She smiled.

"Baby you don't tell a guy he's beautiful." He said this slowly, as if he was afraid he would hurt her feelings. She could see his neck turning red from embrrassment. He called her baby. He never called her baby before. She liked it.

"I'm sorry. I meant you're very handsome."

"That's better. You're not so bad looking yourself, you know." They were still at the stop sign. He had put the car in neutral by now and turned to look at her, smiling probably as happily as she was. It was funny how just a smile from him seemed to make everything just a little better for her.

"You know you're my favorite boy." She says the words seriously, as she put a hand up to his jaw. She didn't smile even when he looked at her in amusement.

"Ditto. Wait. No. I mean you're my favorite girl. Not boy." She grinned. He looked so confused.

"Really?"

"Totally."

"Good." she let him go and he turned his attention back to the road, moving the gear back into drive.

"Hey Rach?"

"Yes Finn?"

"What happened back there?" It was silent for a while as she tried to gather her words.

"I just had an epiphany. I realized something," she clarified when he seemed perplexed. She watched as comprehension graced his features.

"Oh. Right, I knew that. What is it?"

"Just that Shelby wasn't the one. I thought she was because she was my mother. Bu it's not her."

"Who is it?" She knew he probably didn't even know what she was talking about. Good. She didn't want him to understand. Not yet. She made the mistake of pushing him once and she won't do it again. It can wait. They have all the time in the world.

"We'll see."

That night, she wrote a new letter all about her revelation. It was her very first letter that began with _Dear Finn_.


	2. Shoebox

On the date that marked one year of their official get-together, she gave him a shoebox. It could have been worse. She could have given him her favorite collection of musicals or something. Besides, it wasn't like his gift was that much better. In fact, it was definitely the lamest anniversary present on earth. She had been reminding him of their one-year anniversary everyday for a whole month. Somehow, he still managed to forget it. He doubted you could go lower than a quick trip to the mall for a card ('Happy anniversary! I love you. Love, Finn' in hurried scribbles) and half-wilting store-bought flowers.

He knew she was disappointed when he brought her to the batting cages. But she had a lot of fun. The pouting lasted for only an hour before she started hitting those balls out of the park (He wondered how many of those balls were his head in her imagination. One particularly spectacular swing made him wince because she told him right before she hit it that "This is your head.").

He was a little bummed to be honest. This was going to be the first time they've been apart for longer than 24 hours. She was leaving for some summer art program in New York. She was going to live with her cousin Leroy. For one fucking long month. In fact, she was leaving the very next day. All things considered, that should have been enough for him to make it the best night she was ever going to have (Because, you know, he didn't want her to suddenly realize how much she loves New York and not come back), but he had been too busy moping over the fact that she wouldn't be around for four whole weeks and he's spending one-third of his summer alone. She was probably thinking the same thing because by the time their time was up at the cages, she returned to her usual chatty, adorable self. They went to the McDonalds drive-thru and he drove them to the McKinley's football field.

The place was a little creepy at night. But he brought flashlights and even a blanket because he knew she probably didn't want to get her dress dirty. They had a mini-picnic at ten o'clock, way past her dinner time. But she didn't mind. He had spread the blanket right below the goal post and positioned the flashlights carefully so that the spot was bright. She giggled as he bowed and told her to have a seat.

"This is romantic," she commented as she sat primly on the blanket, her feet tucked underneath her. "I didn't know you had it in you."

"Not bad, huh?" he asked, his chest puffing a little. This was a pretty good save for the last minute. He held up his coke in celebration "Happy anniversary Rach." She touched her drink to his and giggled.

"Happy anniversary, Finn."

"I can't believe you didn't get the cheeseburger," he remarked as he took bite out of his Big Mac. She wrinkled her nose.

"Do you have any idea how many calories are in that thing?"

"You run on that machine of yours every freaking day Rachel. I don't think one cheeseburger is going to make you fat. Fillet o'fish? C'mon. It sucks." She looked a bit dejectedly at her choice, seeming to agree with him.

"Want a bite?" he asked, feeling a little guilty for pointing out to her her poor choice in burgers. She beamed at him happily. He snorted as she took a small bite of his burger, the sauce dripping on her chin. "You've got the special sauce all over your face," he commented as he took a napkin and wiped it away. They ended up sharing his burger because even though he was starving and one burger really wasn't enough, her attempt at inhaling a whole Big Mac was hilarious and he wouldn't want anyone to be stuck with a Fillet o'Fish. She even stole his fries (He told her she should have gotten her meal supersized. Hitting balls made you hungry.). When they were done and she finished cleaning up, he forced her to lie down next to him.

"We should be waiting for at least an hour before we lie down after a meal," she said hesitantly. "I don't want to end up with a flabby stomach."

"Live a little Rach. I'll take you either way," he answered as he pulled her down to lie next to him. She sighed and obliged him, inching herself closer so that her head was right next to his shoulder. She pulled his arm out, placed her head on his shoulder and pulled it in front of her so that it rested on her chest. He didn't think having his hand on one of her boobs was a good idea so he moved it up and rested it at the top of her head. He heard her sigh contentedly as she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed tightly.

"I'm going to miss you so much," she mumbled into his jacket. He frowned at her words, feeling depressed as the knowledge of her leaving the next day came back to him.

"I'm going to miss you more. You're going to be all happy and talented in New York and all I'll be doing is mope around until you come back."

"No you're won't. You're going to hang out with Noah and he'll take you out to all the cool parties to meet all the girls who, though admittedly vapid and a little trashy, will still be hotter and cooler than me."

"Are you kidding me? You're the hottest girl I know." She felt him smile against his chest. "You're going to be in New York with all the artsy people and you're going to be meeting douches who know all about theatre and musicals and how to sweep girls like you off their feet."

"I don't get swept off my feet, thank you very much."

"Oh you don't? I remember someone asking me to elope with her like, a month after we met. Ow!" She had punched him hard on his chest.

"I can't believe you brought that up again! You promised we won't talk about it ever!"

"Sorry! Ow! Rach stop it. You're bruising me!" With one last slap on the stomach, she sniffed and turned away.

"Serves you right for being a jerk. Like I could actually bruise your giant body."

"Hey you may be a midget babe, but you've got an arm. Did you see how far you were hitting those balls earlier?"

"I have to admit, there is some sort of sadistic satisfaction that can be derived from swinging the bat and hearing the crack as it connects with the ball."

"You're scaring me."

"Oh shut up, Finn."

"Did Rachel Berry just say shut up?" he asked in mock surprise, turning around to look at her with a bewildered expression. A smile threatened to appear on her face.

"Stop teasing me, Frankenteen."

"Ouch. That hurt," he moaned as he placed his hand over his chest, feigning pain. She giggled and hugged him tightly.

"You're a horrible actor." He grinned. They lay complacently on the blanket, looking up at the stars overhead. Suddenly she sat up and turned off a flashlight. He watched her, one eyebrow raised. Without looking at him, she crawled over to the other side, leaning over his body to turn off the other one.

"What are you doing?" he asked in amusement as she laid back down next to him and took his hand.

"Look up." He did. Thousand of stars were shining above them and the moon glowed brightly in the night sky.

"It's pretty," he commented.

"It's beautiful," she whispered. He smiled at her breathlessness and turned his head to her side to kiss her on the cheek. "Can you see that star? The brightest one?" She took his hand and pointed it to the sky at one particular star that glowed brilliantly.

"Yeah?"

"When I was a kid, I used to make wishes on that star."

"What did you wish for?"

"Oh I wanted to be star of course. And to be a lead in a Broadway premier. When I was ten I wished for a grammy." He smiled, knowing with certainty that at least one of those wishes were going to come true. "Sometimes I wished for my mom. I mean, before I knew who she was. I wished that she would wish for me too." He turned his body so that it faced hers and studied her in the moonlight. He couldn't really see her all that clearly, but he could hear the wistful tone of her voice. He despearately wanted to make her feel better. Would it help if he told her that every single star in the sky reminded him of her?

"Once, I even wished for you." She had turned her face to hide her embarrassment in his body and was surprised to find herself staring directly into his eyes.

"You did?" he asked softly. She nodded her head imperceptibly, unable to breathe. He found he couldn't either. It was funny how even after a year of being together they could still do this to one another. His face was just inches away from hers and he could feel her shallow breath against his skin. "I think that wish came true," he whispered before he leaned in and met her lips softly.

Their mouths were the only thing that was connecting them. The rest of her body was still turned towards the sky and he was on his side, his arms locked to his chest. Slowly, he opened his mouth and gently bit her lower lip. He felt her shudder beside him as she turned and grabbed his shoulders, pulling him in closer. He felt light-headed, his heart pounding a million beats per second. The way her fingers were playing with the hair at the nape of his neck was driving him insane. He snaked his arms around her and turned them over so that he was pressing on top of her. He pulled away with a gasp, swallowing the air to fill his lungs. Below him, she was breathing just as heavily. Her eyes were dark underneath the moonlight and the way she was staring at him sent a shiver down his spine.

"I love you," he whispered against her temple as he kissed her there.

"I love you too, Finn Hudson," she murmured, pulling his body down to hug him tightly. "I wish you could fit into my pocket so I can take you with me to New York!" she mumbled into his neck. He chuckled against her hair.

"You mean you could fit inside _my_ pocket," he quipped.

"I'm serious! I want a mini Finn that I can take with me to New York." She giggled and squeezed his body so tightly, his breathing circulation was momentarily cut off. "Or maybe I could have a bag like Mary Poppins. Then I could just put you in there and take you out whenever I want to."

"Like an instant Rachel Berry slave? The Finn Hudson 1.0," he joked.

"Yes!" she answered, a maniacal gleam on her face. "The Finn Hudson 1.0. I'll call him Tony and he'll cater to all my sexual favors."

"Hate to break it to you Rach. He won't be able to satisfy you like the real thing," he answered, his voice low.

"I know." She was whispering softly against the side of his neck, her lips grazing against his skin. She was going to _kill_ him. "Finn?" He groaned out a reply as he tried to get himself under control. "I can't breathe."

"I can't either."

"No. I mean yes you're making me breathless. But I am having trouble breathing. You're crushing my chest."

"Oh. Sorry." He rolled off her immediately, blushing like crazy. _Dumbass_. Beside him Rachel Berry was giggling. She took his hand and kissed his knuckles before she sighed happily.

"This anniversary is perfect, thank you."

"You told me I ruined it when I was parking the car at the batting cages," he answered wryly, playing idly with her thumb.

"Well that was before I knew of my hidden talent as a... ball hitting person." Finn laughed as she swiped his arm good-naturedly.

"They're called hitters Rach. That _is_ true."

"Seriously though, I don't think this night could have gone any better than this. This was amazing."

"The best night of your life?"

"Undoubtedly."

"The one you're going to remember every night before you go to sleep and every time some city dude tries to hit on you?"

"Only if you promise to do the same when some promiscuous harlot tries to tempt you into committing adultery."

"We have ourselves a deal," he said as he grinned and made a big show of shaking her hand professionally. She giggled again. She was doing a lot of that this evening. Not that he minded. He loves her giggles almost as much as he loves her. He didn't know how he was going to survive this whole month. It was getting late. He was supposed to have her home by twelve thirty. He looked at the watch on his phone. It was already twelve. He sat up dolefully.

"Where are you going?" she asked, whining a little. He grabbed a hand to pull her up.

"C'mon princess. We need to get you home."

"I don't want to go home," she answered, pouting.

"I don't want you to either. But I promised your parents I'll get you home by twelve thirty and you probably got your arm from at least one of them. I don't really want to find out which one."

"Boo. You suck," she grumbled, sticking out her tongue childishly. Finn grinned. He has taught her well.

"Rachel Berry, that is not appropriate star behavior."

"I don't want to go to New York! I want to spend the summer with you."

"You say this now, but by tomorrow morning you're going to be jumping up and down waiting for that program to start." _Man_, he wished she really wanted to stay. But he knew how much the stupid program in New York meant to her. "Come on babe. You gotta help me clear this place up." Grumbling, she turned on a flashlight and began folding their blanket. Grinning, Finn picked up the plastic bag filled with trash.

"Finn?" She called his name quietly, the blanket folded in her arms.

"Yeah Rach?"

"Kiss me." He looked at his watch. It was ten minutes past twelve. They had time. He walked over until he stood in front of her. Setting down the bag, he took her face in both his hands and kissed her as hard as he could, for as long as he could. When he released her, they were both out of breath and they both wore the same goofy grin on their faces. Rachel linked her arms with his, and they walked slowly towards his car.

The drive to her house was pleasant as he listened to her chatter on about what she was going to do once she gets to New York. She had burned a mixed CD for the night and he grinned as her favorite Streisand song blared through the speakers. He could see her now, blowing everyone away with her performance. New York City wouldn't know what hit her. He felt his heart constricting as he neared her driveway. He noticed she started to become quiet five minutes ago. He pulled up and turned to see her discreetly rubbing at her eyes.

"Rach are you crying?"

"Yes. I'm going to miss you so much!" He knew she was being dramatic and that it was just a month. But maybe some of her penchant for drama rubbed off on him or something, because he thought he was feeling just as bummed out about it as she was.

"I could send you to the airport tomorrow," he offered uselessly. She shook her head.

"My flight is at eight in the morning. I don't want you to have to wake up that early."

"I don't think I'm going to be doing much sleep anyway."

"I know. But dad and daddy are going to be there. You know how daddy is. He's worse than me sometimes." The clock on the radio was blinking, telling them it was already twelve forty. She was late. _Damn it_.

"Call me. Every single day. Or I'll call you. And we'll skype! You better take good care of your web cam Finn, because I want to see your face every single day before I go to sleep and-" Her porch light was turned on and he knew that was a signal that her dad was waiting by the window. "- Don't forget to drink that Spirulina I bought for you and oh! Tell Sean I'm going to see him in a month and I'll get him one of those banal 'I Love New York City' shirts as a joke-"

"Rach! Babe stop talking. Your dad's waiting for you. Probably with a shot gun."

"Don't be ridiculous. My fathers do not condone the private use of firearms-"

"Rach!" She finally stopped talking and looked at him. "We'll figure it out okay? Call me the second you get off the plane and we'll deal with everything. Right now you gotta go before your dad comes out and kill me."

"I really wish you would stop trying to kick me out of your car," she sniffed.

"Baby you know-"

"I know," she answered quietly. Rachel took a deep breath and leaned over to hug him. He breathed her scent in as deeply as he could and tightened his arms around her. "I have something for you." Her head was cradled between his head and his shoulder.

"What?"

"I left it on the floor in the backseat. Don't open them until I get on the plane. You have thirty days."

"For what?" He was going to miss her and her crazy so much. It was going to be thirty days worth of missing. It was going to be emotional torture.

"You'll see," she answered cryptically as she pulled back and kissed him soundly on the lips. She smiled at him, her eyes shining. "I'll see you in thirty days Finn Hudson."

"Yeah." He couldn't really say anything else because he was too busy channeling his energy into not crying. God, Puck was right. He was turning into a pansy-ass chick.

"I love you."

"I love you too." She stepped out of his car and walked away slowly. His eyes followed her and the sway of her hips as she moved. When she reached her doorstep, she turned around and blew him a kiss. He grinned at her and waved like an idiot. She opened her door and dissapeared behind them. From the window, Finn could see her dad waving at him too. He returned the gesture a little uncomfortably. He wondered if that was some sort of signal for him to get lost.

The drive home was slow and uneventful. The car smelled like Rachel Berry. Rachel Berry's voice was coming out of the speakers. When he reached home, he almost forgot about her present. Checking the backseat he found a shoebox. He frowned. It looked familiar. It was the shoebox she brought when they went to see Shelby Corcoran. Or almost saw anyway. He felt the curiosity burning within him and his hands itched to open them. But he promised her he was going to wait. He saw the note she had stuck on the top of the container ('Dear Finn, Happy Anniversary. I love you! I'll see you in thirty days. I hope this will be able to express how deeply I care for you. xoxo, Rachel Barbara Berry' writtten in neat loopy cursive, the ever-present gold star neatly stuck next to her signature.). It was on a pink post-it with purple ink. He smiled fondly, tracing the pattern of her handwriting. He frowned. God, he was pathetic.

It was one a.m. when he entered the house and he headed straight for his room. Dropping himself onto the bed, he wondered how he was supposed to go to sleep. His phone buzzed and he grinned when he saw her name attached to the message received.

Don't forget to regulate your sleeping pattern! And keep in shape! You need to run every morning! I made a playlist for you. It's in your iPod. It's supposed to help you think of me when you run :). I'm going to be texting you and calling you every second I'm free so you better be prepared Finn Hudson. And you better not even think of hooking up with any of those slutty hussies from the Cheerios or anywhere else for that matter! I'm going to call you before I board the plane tomorrow. I don't care if you're asleep. If you are then I'm just going to leave you a very long voicemail. We can do this! Thirty days is nothing with a love this strong! I have to go because I need sufficient sleep, and that is at least four hours. I miss you already Finn. With love from all of my heart, Rachel Barbara Berry * (that's the only thing I can find that was close to a star. They really need to include proper stars on the keypad.)

That came in four separate messages. She was still around and he was already missing her like crazy. Finn groaned dejectedly into his pillow. He was screwed.


	3. The present

The morning she left, he was passed out on his bed, phone in hand. He had been in a funk all night, only falling asleep when it was almost six and had therefore missed his alarm, and her phone call. He was jolted awake at nine thirty in the morning by some random nightmare where he was falling off a cliff. He panicked when he saw the time and scrambled for the phone in his hand. True to her word, Rachel had left him five voicemails,calling him again every time she got cut off by the beep. He groaned, pissed off that he had missed her before her flight. On the plus side, it was only another hour before she landed in the Big Apple.

Staring at his ceiling, he imagined her on the plane, probably giddy and excited, annoying everyone around her with her nervous chatter. It was nine thirty in the freaking morning. What do people do when they wake up this early and have nothing planned? He looked over to his desk and spotted the box. Finn was up in a flash, walking over to the table to get his hands on his present. She was on her way to New York City, the box was all his. He held the box excitedly, wondering what was going to be in it.

She didn't get him shoes, did she? That would be such a weird thing to give your boyfriend for an anniversary. It was too light. The box looked old anyway. It was a brown Timberland box and the sides of it looked worn out and the words along its sides were fading. Plus, why would she put his shoes in a box that she used to put whatever it was she planned on giving Shelby? Why was he thinking about what was in this box instead of just opening it and finding out? All the thinking was making him nervous. Putting the shoebox back down, he opened the door to head to the bathrooom to brush his teeth. He felt like he should be well groomed before he opened her present (It's a Rachel thing.).

He returned to his room fifteen minutes later, freshly showered and definitely ready. Just as he was about to open it however, his phone rang. Finn jumped towards his bed to grab it. He knew it was Rachel because it was playing Faithfully and that had been his ringtone for her ever since Mr Schue said they were singing that song together for Regionals. He missed the bed and bumped his knee on the edge of it. Swearing, he grabbed his phone and flipped it open.

"Hey babe," he answered breathlessly.

"Hi! Have you been running?"

"Nah I just came out of the shower."

"Oh. I'm in New York!" She was squealing. He smiled, amused.

"You don't say."

"I just got off the plane. I'm walking towards the baggage claim right now. This is so exciting. Leroy's picking me up in his new car. He just bought it a week ago because his wife told him his old junk needed to go. He really loved that old car. He had it since he dropped out of school and decided to try his luck as a stuntman, but seriously. They have a child now. Miranda is right. Oh the school I'm going to is near his place too! He told me it was just a ten minute walk. Can you just imagine me walking around the streets of Manhattan? Oh Finn! I'm so excited!" He heard her take a deep breath and laughed, picturing her tiny frame skipping around the airport.

"Breathe Rach. You're going to pass out."

"I know, I know but I can't help it! Finn I wish you were here." He pictured himself next to her, probably looking lost and confused but he knows without a doubt that he would be ecstatic, because she was there.

"Me too, Rach."

"Oh I see my bag!" Her bag was hot pink with a large star embossed in the front. He knew because he was with her when she had it customized. He didn't think finding her bag was a hard chore. "It's heavy!" She gasped dramatically and he heard someone swearing in the background. He frowned and sat up. "Oh my God I'm so sorry sir!"

"What happened?"

"I dropped my luggage on someone's foot!" She whispered furiously. He burst out in laughter even though he knew she wouldn't appreciate it because he just can't help himself. "It's not funny! He was really angry. I'm walking very slowly right now because I don't want to catch up with him."

"Rach where are you?"

"I told you. At the baggage claim."

"Is there like a chair there or something?"

"There's one near the exit."

"Well can you sit down for a minute, please?"

"Why?"

"Because I miss you and I don't want to hear a detailed account of how you get out of the airport."

"Oh. Okay. I'm sitting." He smiled.

"Good. How was your flight?"

"It was okay. I tried to tell the man next to me of my plans in New York but he didn't seem very interested. And then he was sleeping so I just listened to my iPod instead. Actually, it was really boring. I wished you were there so I could talk to you. Or just hug you."

"I'm sorry I was asleep this morning."

"Oh that's alright. Did you get my message?"

"Yep. All five of them. I love you too, by the way. And no, I don't think your talent is going to be eclipsed by a young Barbara. You're the young Barbara. It's your name, even." He knew he had her smiling.

"You're sweet Finn. I'm very lucky to have you as the love of my life."

"Ditto." She was quiet and he could feel her hesitance all the way from New York. "What is it Rachel?" He laid back on his bed, the pain in his knee by then just a dull throb as he stared at the celing.

"Have you opened my gift?" His eyes moved toward the unopened box.

"Not yet. I was just about to, actually."

"Oh."

"Are you okay? You're being quiet."

"I'm just nervous," she confessed.

"'Bout what babe?"

"I'm afraid you won't like it."

"Of course I'll like it."

"There are some things in there I don't know whether you should be privy to, now that I've thought about it."

"It's not like you gave me your diary or anything." She didn't say anything on the other end. _Fuck did she give me her diary? _"Did you? Rach?"

"Just open it, okay?" she said softly. Suddenly, he felt like the pressure was just too much. Did he really want to open it?

"Of course I will."

"And do it privately okay? I don't really want other people to know." 

"Rach you're kind of freaking me out here."

"Sorry baby." Did she just call him baby? That was so not like her. Not that he minded. In fact it sounded kind of good when she said it.

"Uh. It's okay."

"I have to go. Leroy's probably waiting for me. I don't think I'll be calling you today. Don't call me okay?" He frowned, not liking her request at all.

"Why not? Rach are you mad at me or something?"

"No. Not at all. I'm just- I'm going to be very embarrassed and I don't think I can talk to you knowing what you have. I need time to adjust."

"Are you sure you want me to open that box?"

"Yes." Her tone was absolute. "You're the only one who can."

"Alright," he answered doubtfully.

"I need to go, Finn. I miss you so much!"

"I miss you too. I'll call you tomorrow okay?"

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too." He hung up the phone with a frown etched across his features. Standing up, he walked over towards the mysterious shoebox and swiftly opened its top. There were envelopes. Lots and lots of envelopes. He picked up a stack. They were tied neatly in stacks of ten, each one wrapped with a white ribbon. Were these letters for him? When did she find the time to write these? There must have been like, a hundred of them or something.

Finn bit back a groan guiltily. Would she be able to tell of he didn't read them all? There were just so many of them! He knew she liked to talk, but he hates reading! On the top right hand corner of the envelope, there was a date in Rachel's small, loopy handwriting. It was three years ago. He stared at it in confusion. He remembers something she said on the drive back home from Shelby's.

"_**Shelby wasn't the one. I thought she was because she was my mother. But it's not her." **_

Were these letters in the shoebox that day? Was Shelby supposed to get them? Was he the one? Was that what she meant? Finn was confused. He remembered how sad she had looked that day when she told him to turn around, like her biggest dream had been ripped away from her or something. It had hurt to see that sad look on her face. He remembers how that look seemed to be permanently attached on her in those months leading up to that day. Everyone she had cared about had hurt her, including him. Finn felt the familiar twinge of guilt creeping up upon him. He had done so much damage, and she had forgiven him for every single one of his mistakes. He wasn't sure if he wanted to open them. He had a feeling he probably didn't deserve to. Not yet, anyway. Carefully putting the letters back in the box, he placed it under his bed and left the room. He was glad she won't be calling.

He spent the rest of the afternoon watching television and Puck picked him up at nine for a party at Santana's house. It felt a little awkward being there. It hasn't been his scene in the longest time. Not since half of the football team decided it was open season and he was their prey of choice. Still, that's what being apart of the crowd is about, knowing these people are douches and knowing you're the target. But you're still the quarterback. You still have an open invite to the in-crowd. And they leave you alone, embrace you even. So long as you're not with one of the losers. But he had chosen to date their queen. Now that Rachel wasn't around though, it was live and let die. But Karofsky was still a motherfucking jackass, so he avoided the imbecile and his posse of addlebrained drones (Her insults always make him feel smarter when he uses them).

He spent the night playing beer pong with Matt and Mike, Puck having apparently found happiness with the new girl in town. By his fifth beer, he was already close to being drunk. Sitting on the couch next to Puck and his new conquest and trying his best to ignore the sight of his bestfriend with a hand up the girl's shirt, he thought of Rachel and what she might be doing in New York.

It was close to twelve, she was probably sleeping. He knew she had an early morning because she had printed her schedule out for him and tacked it on his board. He wondered how her day was and whether the guest room in Leroy's house was comfortable. Did she walk down the streets of Manhattan like she wanted? Or was she doing that another day? What would she think of him now, sitting half-drunk in a room full of drunks, leaving her heart hidden under his bed at home?

Finn was dizzy. He needed to leave. He left the house in a hurry, stumbling occasionally and bumping into bodies who were swaying to the beat of the loud music that was making his head pound painfully. He reached the door and stumbled out, breathing in deeply in relief as the sound drowned out behind him. Santana didn't live far away from the Hummel's. Finn figured his brain was still functioning enough for him to walk home.

It was a clear night, just like it was the day before when Rachel Berry was still in his arms. The contrast was glaring. He walked slowly, his feet wobbly. It was dark and quiet and only the streetlamps were keeping him company He looked up at the sky and a thousand stars twinkled back at him. He could see her star, shining brightly, almost as if it was glaring at him.

She said she wished for him once.

Why? After all they've been through together, he still wonders sometimes why she chose him. And she did choose him. Rachel Berry had gone to school one day and saw something in Finn Hudson that nobody else could see, and she chose to love him. She had stolen his heart ever since. And he knows why he loves her, could list down a million things, if given the time, of what made her special and what made her the brightest star in his eyes.

But he was just Finn. Just another Lima loser without a future. Until he met her. Now he thinks his possibilities might be endless. She told him he could be anything he wanted and because she said so, he believes her. And he knows he's on his way to becoming someone worthy of her. But who he was before was just like every other idiot he knows.

He was the dumb jock everybody made fun of because he wasn't the brightest guy around. He did stupid things. He followed his so-called friends as they threw eggs at her, watched from the sidelines as they tormented her every single day, doing nothing. How did she know he could be any different? Finn shook his head angrily, trying to get rid of the throbbing in his head. He didn't know what he was thinking, he didn't like where his mind was going. He really, really needed to get home. One more right turn and the house he lives in will be just around the corner.

He reached his driveway and took out his keys from the pocket of his jeans. Pushing it into the lock, he threw open the door and stumbled in. It was already one in the morning. In the back of his mind, he remembered it was one when he arrived home the day before too. Walking up the stairs, he headed into the bathroom and to drown his face in the sink. The ice cold water jolted his fuzzy mind and he looked up into the mirror, frowning. He wondered if he was going to have a hangover tomorrow. He looked awful. He felt awful. She would probably tell him it was his own fault for allowing the toxic chemicals to enter his body. Vaguely, he realized he forgot to drink that awful green crap she bought for him.

He wondered why he was feeling so lost without her. It was just one day. What was wrong with him?

Turning off the bathroom light, he walked towards his room. He looked at the calender posted on his board. She bought them another couple's calender at the beginning of the year. Only this time his featured famous drummers according to their month of birth, and hers were on famous Broadwat performers. He frowned at all the empty boxes that signified her absence. Dropping himself onto the floor next to his bed, he dragged the shoebox out from underneath it. His head was kiling him. The lights were too bright in his room. Ignoring his headache, Finn opened the box again and stared at the envelopes. He picked up each stack, looking for the earliest date. Finding it, he placed the others back in the box and slowly undid the ribbon on the stack he was holding.

He looked at the first letter. She would have been fourteen when she wrote this. He wasn't even aware of her existence then. Well he knew Rachel Berry existed. He had to, with the amount of laughter his friends shared at her expense. But he didn't know her, didn't know how special she was, how important she was going to become. He wondered if things would have been different if he did. Would he have dared to stand up for her? Or would he still be that coward that desperately wanted to fit in? His fingers hesitated at the edge of the envelope before he ripped it open. The words were swimming in front of his eyes, distorted into incomprehensible swirls. He couldn't shake off the pounding in his head and he was feeling drowsy.

He fell asleep on the floor with the paper in his hand.

He woke up with a start, a slight buzz in his head confusing him. It was bright because he hadn't turn off the lights in his room. He sat up slowly, willing his eyes to focus as he stared at the clock on the bedside table. It was five o'clock in the morning. He looked down to see a piece of paper crushed in his hand. Panicking, he quickly stood up and tried to smooth it over. The shoebox lay open on the floor and envelopes were scattered around it. He shook his head to clear his mind. Finn walked over to the small bookcase Rachel had given him and took out his dictionary (She had given him that too). It was impossible to be in love with Rachel Berry without picking up some of her vocabulary. But although his have improved markedly, it was still pathetic compared to her vast wordbank. He would need it if he wanted to get through those letters. Putting the unopened letters back in their box, he picked it up and carefully placed at the end of his desk. He sat down on the chair, his dictionary placed strategically on his right and the letter in his hand.

Finn began to read.


	4. Getting to know Rachel Berry

_**Dear mom. This is weird. I don't really know why I'm doing this. Well, maybe I do, but I'm not sure whether this is the right approach. But there is hardly anyone else to turn to. You're out there somewhere, and maybe you care. Not that I'm saying dad and daddy don't. It's just different. They shouldn't know these things. They're too close to me. Although this letter will probably end up flushed down the toilet, I am just going to let myself pretend for a while that I know where you are and that you want to know all these things about me. Ready? My life is miserable. I hate this place. I hate everyone in this town, except for dad and daddy of course. Quinn Fabray laughed at me again. That girl is horrible. I don't understand why she's so popular. Yes, she's pretty and all the boys like her, but her personality is atrocious! And she seems to find me to be her favorite figurative punching bag. Is there something wrong with me? I try to be nice, I try to make friends. People here just seem to hate me. High school is starting to become unbearable. I wish dad would let me be shipped off to some English boarding school so I never have to set foot in William McKinley again. Rachel.**_

He didn't call her like he was supposed to that day. He felt like too much of an ass to talk to her. He went through the first five letters in a matter of hours. Each letter became more and more unbearable to go through. Was this what life was like for her in this town? Was this how she saw everyone? Was this still how she sees them? Her first letter was short and awkward. Angry. He thought she probably felt stupid for writing it.

Finn wondered why he never realized it before. Of course she would hate everyone. When had any of them ever been nice to her? Even the ones who never made fun of her never tried to be her friend. They all hid behind her mask of indifference. She pretended she didn't care and they pretended to not know better. Or else they try their best to prove she does care in the worst possible way. He felt disgust bubble over in the pit of his stomach.

_**Dear mom. I had my first encounter with my mortal enemy today. It's a slushie. Do you know what that is? Of course you do. But I'll bet you don't know what it feels like to have one thrown in your face. It's pretty amazing, actuallly. I never knew ice could cut a face. Noah Puckerman is a jerk, mom. I hate him so much. It's funny. I don't know why I keep remembering how he helped me once when we were younger. He used to be a nice boy. But you know what the oddest thing was? One of THEM helped me. Finn Hudson. I was trying to find the toilet and not cry at the same time and this boy took my hand and helped me to the girls room. I knew he was part of them, but he helped me anyway. But Finn has always been different. Maybe there's still hope for some of these people after all. Rachel.**_

He remembers them as children. They were never friends. But he had helped her, once. Why hadn't they been friends? He remembers when he was eleven and some of his friends had stolen her homework to get her in trouble. The teacher had made her stand on her chair for the whole period. Rachel had been livid, going off into a spiel about injustice and the constitution and the teacher became even more annoyed with her and gave her detention. He knew what was happening. He could see Puck and Kyle, now his linebacker, grinning conspiratorially at each other. But he did nothing. He continued to do nothing for the next four years of his life. God he was a douchebag. But she thought he was different. Even back then, she thought he was different. But he knew better.

He spent the rest of the day in his room and finished off the first stack of letters, only leaving during mealtimes and using the rest of his time to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. At around ten thirty, Rachel called. He picked up the phone hesitantly.

"Hello?" She was quiet on the other line. He heard a sniffle.

"You said you were going to call. I waited for you. For _hours_."

"I'm sorry."

"Were you out with Noah all day? What were you doing that was making you too busy to pick up your cellphone and speed dial me?"

"No. I was- I opened it." It was quiet for a while. He began to feel awkward. After what felt like a lifetime, she began to speak.

"Oh. Have you read anything?"

"I read the first stack."

"I can't remember what I wrote."

"You said you hated everyone in Lima. And that Quinn was the spawn of satan, and Puck was the devil incarnate." She giggled nervously.

"I don't remember that. Are you mad at me?" He frowned.

"Why would I be mad at you?"

"Because you read some of them and you didn't call. I made a mistake didn't I? You shouldn't have to know these things. I'm sorry."

"No. Rachel I'm not mad. I mean I am, but not at you. I just- Argh!" He frowned angrily as he stared up at his ceiling, the anger he felt threatening to consume him.

"What are you feeling?" she asked quietly.

"I feel I'm an asshole." He sat up on the bed and leaned against the wall, one hand running over his hair in frustration. His hair was already sticking out all over the place by then because he had been doing it all day.

"Finn, language. And you're not"

"I'm sorry baby, but I am. I was just like the rest of them." He heard her sigh and knew she was collecting herself.

"Maybe you were. But now you're not. Finn, I wrote those letters before I knew you. Before I knew any of you."

"You're not that far off the mark," he muttered darkly.

"Well I was never easy to swallow. I know how annoying I can be-"

"Stop saying that like it's an excuse. It's not! It doesn't matter if you're not the greatest person on earth! You never did anything to anybody. Puck, he throws people in dumpsters and he beats the shit out of kids, but people still like him-"

"Out of fear."

"Doesn't matter! And Quinn, she was a bitch if there ever was one. I knew it. And I dated her anyway. She made me miserable and told me I was an idiot and she called you names and made the jocks throw slushies at you and I know everything! And I did nothing!"

"You helped me once. I remember." 

"I showed you the way to the toilet after I let Puck throw a slushie in your face."

"That made all the difference to me." It broke his heart a little to know that his pathetic attempt at kindness had meant so much to her.

"I want to punch the younger me in the face," he said dejectedly. He heard her soft laughter frowned even harder. She was so blasé about the whole thing.

"I'm sorry Finn. I should have known these letters would be hard on you. That wasn't my intention, you know."

"I know babe."

"You need to keep reading them, please? Or maybe you could skip the ones in the middle. You don't need to know about those. There's a point to these, I swear." He sighed.

"There is always a point when it comes to you," he answered, his voice affectionate.

"Damn straight."

"I'm glad my penchant for cursing is rubbing off on you."

"And I'm glad my penchant for vocabulary is rubbing off on _you_. This is the first time I've ever heard you use the word penchant." He rolled his eyes, his spirits lifting.

"How was your day?" She squealed, and he imagined jumping excitedly in her room.

"Oh it was great. They showed me around the whole school and Finn, this place is to die for. Today was just the ice-breaking session. They partnered us up and we had to learn everything we can about each other. My partner is Alan from New York. They're putting us in our groups tomorrow. I'm so excited!"

"That's awesome Rach."

"What are you doing tomorrow?"

"I don't know. I was thinking of going for a run, maybe try out that playlist you made me."

"That's a good idea. You shouldn't be sitting on your laurels just because you're on holiday Finn. When is your summer job starting?" He was getting paid to fold blankets at Sheets 'N' Things five days a week from noon to closing time. It was one hell of a boring job, but the money wasn't bad and Puck would be there. So would Quinn, probably. There was something going on between those two. Puck was still living his man-whorish ways, but he was staying away from the cougars this summer for some reason. And if Quinn was there, then Mercedes would be too. And Kurt. He wondered if his new job was going to end up being the glee club's summer hang out joint. That wouldn't be so bad.

"In two days."

"Don't forget the Spirulina. You need energy if you're going to work."

"I don't think I need that much energy to fold a sheet Rach."

"Just listen to me. I know what I'm talking about."

"Don't I always?" She snorted.

"You pretend to listen. I know you're thinking about something else half the time I open my mouth."

"But I listen to the important stuff, right?" Begrudgingly, she agreed. He smiled to himself.

"Rach?"

"Yes?"

"I'm glad things are different now. It's a good thing I stopped being such a dumbass. I know, I know. Language," he said when he heard her intake of breath.

"Why do you insist on using such vulgar terms?"

"Because they express my feelings perfectly." She sighed in resignation.

"I have to go Finn. I need to wake up early tomorrow. I have to be at my best."

"You're already in bed, aren't you?" He asked, amused.

"Of course. I fully intend to have your voice be the last thing I hear before I go to sleep." Her tone was appalled, as if she would be offended if he thought anything else. He grinned.

"Good night Rachel Barbara Berry."

"Good night Finn. I love you."

"I love you too." He hung up the phone, feeling his mood brightening. One stack was enough for the day. If he read anymore, he would probably end up being depressed.

xxx

He woke up the next day at seven, startled by a phone call from Rachel. He had answered it incoherently and was welcomed by her bright and cheerful good morning. For a second he forgot she was in New York and assumed she was at home, waiting for him to wake up and go for the occasional morning run with her. But then she went off excitedly about how awesome her day was going to be, the cobwebs in his mind cleared up. She told him she had to go and he told her good luck. Saying their goodbyes, he hung up the phone and walked sleepily towards the bathroom to wash his face.

His morning run cleared up his mind. The playlist that Rachel had made for him was blaring into his ears and he smiled as he listened to some songs that he knew she had stolen from his library. There was no way Rachel ever listened to Poison. As he ran past Santana's house he could feel himself starting to wheeze. He really needed to get himself back in shape. He was feeling a little optimistic today.

He knew she told him to skip the middle and reach the end, but he was going to read every one of those letters even if it killed him.

She wouldn't have given it to him if they weren't important to her. He just needed to remind himself every now and again that things had changed and none of them were the same people they used to be. It was odd how his life can be perfectly separated into before and after glee. And that period of limbo in the middle where he was screwed over by his bestfriend and the girl he was supposed to love. But Finn didn't like to think about that one for too long. After about a mile and a half and he reached Mike Chang's house, Finn turned to run back home.

He arrived home and headed straight for the kitchen, his stomach growling angrily. He could smell the bacon from the moment he entered the door. Finn grinned happily at the sight before him. His mother was standing over the stove, frying up the bacon, but there were already scrambled eggs and toast stacked high on the kitchen counter.

"Morning mom." She whipped around in surprise and stared at him.

"Did you just come back froma run? You're up early today."

"Rachel woke me up this morning," he said with a mouthful of eggs.

"Finn. Chew before you speak. You're going to end up choking. And for the love of God, plates are invented for a reason!" Placing the last of the bacon on a plate, she wallked over and placed it on the kitcen counter, slapping away his eager hands. "Wash your hands Finn. And use a plate!" He did as he was told and piled his plate high with breakfast. As he sat down in front of the kitchen table, she shook her head.

"I'm going to go over to Puck's today."

"Aren't you going to spend any time with your brother?"

"I thought he was going to the mall with Mercedes or something."

"Oh of course. I forgot about that. I have to get ready. My shift starts in an hour. Don't forget to leave some for the rest!" Finn waved his left hand vaguely at his mom and shoved a spoonful of eggs into his mouth with the other. Once he was done, he left his dirty plates in the dishwasher. Finn loves the dishwasher. They didn't have one at the old house. He likes not having to wash the dishes anymore. His sweat almost drying by now, Finn walked up the stairs, past his impeccably dressed stepbrother who wrinkled his nose in disgust when he saw him.

"You smell like a dirty gym sock."

"Thanks Kurt. Good morning to you too."

"Mercedes and I are going to the mall later. Care to join us?"

"No thanks. I'm hanging out with Puck."

"Fight club?"

"What? No dude, that's his thing. We're gonna go play Call of Duty. It's a marathon. It's gonna be epic."

"Enchanting." Finn grinned at his stepbrother before walking up the stairs to shower. He threw his iPod and phone onto the bed, grabbed a towel, and went to the bathroom. As he peeled off the shirt that was sticking to his back, he wondered when exactly he was going to continue reading her letters.

He barely got through freshman year. He never realized how angry Rachel could be. Her letters were bitter and dripping with sarcasm, so unlike the way she was in real life. But then again, he hadn't known the person she was at fourteen.

Wrapping a towel around his waist as he stepped out of the shower, he looked at himself in the mirror. He could picture his fourteen year old self. He had been eager and gangly. He was ridiculously awkward. He's still awkward now, but it isn't as painfully so . He remembered walking through the high school on his first day in a daze. He was a nobody as he watched students whizzing past him, looking for a mohawked head. He remembers watching in shock as a few seniors grabbed one meek-looking boy by his collar and tossed him into the dumpster.

He thought that was probably the moment he decided he was going to do whatever it took to not be that boy. He didn't realize then that it meant being one of the seniors. Shaking his head, Finn turned away and walked to his room. That was in the past. There was no use in thinking about it anymore. But still. What if he had acted differently? What if he had tried to help they guy after the other boys left him there, high-fiving each other, instead of just watching as the boy almost burst into tears and fell out of the trash can in his attempt to escape? It was just one moment. But maybe it would have made all the difference. He grabbed his phone when he saw her text.

(This place is amazing. I'm in a great group. We're preparing for our assignment today. They assigned us to perform No Air. Do you remember when we performed it together? My male lead seem to be missing your charisma. And the rest of my team can't seem to hold a candle to glee. Maybe that's because we just formed and hour ago.) Finn smiled as he dried his head with a towel. Of course he remembered. He remembers every song they perform together.

(You're biased cause you love us babe.) He wasn't expecting a reply. He knew how busy she was going to be. He looked towards the box on his desk hesitantly. There were ninety more to go, and 28 days left. A look of determination crossed his face. He was going to have to take a rain check on that video game marathon.

Xxx

In a week, he went through twenty five letters. Finn can honestly say that he had never read as much in his whole life as he did in that week. He probably could have read more if he didn't have a job to go to. Working at Sheets 'N' Things was mind-numbingly broing. Most of his time was spent on in-depth discussions with Puck on the boy's theory of how Super Mario Brothers changed civilization. Finn thought his argument was pretty foolproof, but he was getting a little sick of it. Puck was way too obsessed with the thick-moustached duo. He preferred zombies and war games anyway.

Sometimes Quinn was around and when Puck was busy talking about his genius theories to her, he sometimes wish he could bring Rachel's letters to work. He may not be the smartest guy around, but even he knew that it would not go down well if he did that and the letter fell out of his pocket or whatever. So instead he has to wait until after closing time and whatever the hell it is Puck wants to do before sending him home.

By her seventh letter, Rachel began sticking those familiar gold stars next to her name. It was amazing how a sticker could make all the difference to his reading experience. He felt better with the knowledge that it was waiting for him at the end of a letter, like it made her stronger. By her eighteenth letter, Rachel became more familiar to him. She was less bitter and more like the determined person he recognized now. Guiltily, he wondered if maybe it was because she just got used to all the shitty things people were doing to her. She talked about the pornographic drawings of her she found on the toilet wall critically, saying that the vandaliser really needed an art class or two because her nose was _not_ that big.

He had reached sophomore year. He remembers that year too. The year he finally made it to cool status and Quinn Fabray started looking at him differently. All because he made it to the first string and Karofsky said he was the ass's hommie. Even then he knew what a dumbass the big jock was. But he had born the title proudly and walked around with those assholes as they moved in their terrorist group to give the losers their patriotic wedgies and toilet swirlies.

Both he and Rachel refrain fom mentioning the letters when they talk to each other. Instead, she talks about her daily activities and he talks about the joys of working in a place where almost everything has a thread count. Kurt finally made it official with his on-again and off-again boyfriend and when he told her this, she squealed so loudly, he suffered from temporary deafness. The love-hate relationship between his step-brother and his girlfriend is something Finn will never be able to wrap his head around.

The first time they talked to each other over the web cam was six days after she left, when Leroy finally figured out the the password for his wireless. The sight of her beaming face forced one on his own and they had just stared at each other's faces for five minutes before either said a word. He knew they were turning into one of those sickeningly cheesy couples and he wasn't sure how he felt about that yet. But whatever. He missed his girlfriend's face, okay? He was allowed to stare at her for an hour if he wanted to.

Perhaps the thing that surprised him the most was how he barely needed his dictionary. He uses it once every three letters in the beginning and the need steadily decreased the more he reads. Rachel Berry's letters were improving his vocabulary. Of course it would. By the second week, he realized he was actually having fun when he reads her letters. Rachel was hilarious, even when she was pissed. And even when she wasn't being funny, when she was sad and depressed, he couldn't really stop reading. It was weird to realize that this girl was someone he loves and not some random stranger whose life he just accidentally came across. He found himself rooting for the girl in the letters, forgetting the fact that the girl was his girlfriend and that yes, she made it through relatively unscathed.

Sometimes it was like she was talking to her mother when Rachel wondered about the woman's face, whether she got her nose from her mother(after a particularly stressful day when Santana Lopez had said her nose was the size of Texas. She had ended the letter by proudly stating that her nose had personality and was part of her Jewish heritage.), or whether her mother could sing well, if maybe she was an actress on Broadway. Sometimes she was just so pissed she didn't even bother pretending like she was writing to someone, like when she was talking about the Tony awards and how some dude got ripped off by some other dude whose names he can't pronounce or even remember. Or when she writes about Sandy Ryerson refusing her for another solo even though she knows with absolute certainty that she was the best singer in that school.

By her forty-first letter, he came into the picture for real. It was a surreal experience, seeing himself through her eyes.

_**Dear mom. Remember Finn Hudson? I always knew he was different. He sings! Not as well as me obviously, since he lacks my years of training and my perfect pitch. When Mr Schue said he was going to be joining glee, I was apprehensive because what would a jock know about show choir? I was so wrong. He saved the glee club, he brought us all together with that song. He is more than just his handsome and chiseled features and God-like physique. He has a pure soul. I think I found a kindred spirit mom. Rachel Barbara Berry.**_

Finn blushed furiously at the word god-like physique before he began to laugh hysterically. This must be Rachel in her psycho mode. That evening when they were on the web cam, he casually mentioned the need to work out and maintain his god-like body. Rachel almost choked on the water she was drinking. He burst out into hysterical laughter as she turned beet red and she hid her face in the palm of her hands.

"You read it!" she moaned, her voice muffled by her hands.

"Oh I definitely did. Me and my handsome and chiseled face thanks you for the compliment, Rachel Berry."

"Shut up Finn! Can't you see how embarrassing this is for me?" Her face was still squished against her palms and she was shaking her head profusely. She was adorable and he was ridiculously entertained.

"C'mon Rach, look up. I miss your face."

"No. You're just going to laugh at me."

"I won't." Slowly, she peeked out from behind her palms. The memory of their first song came unbidden into his mind at that moment. Rachel, with her crazy eyes, stalking over to him and pulling at his arm like crazy as she sang her heart out. She had scared the crap out of him then. Now it just made him laugh so much harder.

"_Finn!_"

"I'm sorry baby. I'll stop, I'll stop, I promise. See? No more laughter," he said as he tried to keep a straight face. She groaned, her face scrunched up in annoyance.

"I suppose it's my own fault for letting you read them. You were supposed to skip the middle parts!"

"I'm reading them all, babe. Every single one." She looked touched, and smile softly at him. Man he missed her smiles. Even her crazy ones.

"You are? You really are the love of my life."

"We're kindred spirits remember?"

"Finn!"

"I'm not making fun of you. I'm not going to lie Rach. If I was still that boy reading that letter, I would have ran screaming my head off for help. Even if I didn't know what kindred meant. But things are different now. Now I just think you're cute and I wish I could kiss you senseless." Her smile grew wider with each word and her gaze became shyer. Sometimes, Finn wondered if being with Rachel Berry made him a smoother talker or if it was just because she's the only one who understands what he means through all his bullshit and awkward sentences.

"Thanks Finn. So where are you now?" Talking with Rachel about her letters was kind of weird.

"Fifty nine left to go."

"I can't believe you read forty one letters in two weeks."

"Well it makes the days go by faster. I mean you're coming home in two weeks." Her smile widened. She was in her nightgown and sitting at her desk. As she leaned forward to adjust her camera, he got a very good view down the front of her collar. Maybe she could wear this little slip to bed every day. That would be awesome.

"I know. I can't wait to see you in person. This program is amazing Finn. These people accept my criticism and grating personality openly. It might be because some of them are worst than me, especially this girl Ashley who is truly the most arrogant girl I have had the misfortune to meet. Alan says her talent has got nothing on me though. He's sweet like that. He's really nice to me, Finn." Wait. Ellen was a _he_?

"Alan's a _boy_?" She looked at him in surprise.

"Yes of course he is."

"Is he a gay boy?"

"No. I don't know actually. He's just a boy. What's wrong?" she asked when she caught his frown.

"Is he bigger than me?" Her confusion changed into a devilish smile and she beamed at him.

"Finn Hudson, are you jealous?"

"No," he answered sullenly. He was just surprised that the girl he thought she was partners with was actually a dude. A city dude. A dude who knows all about musicals and theater. Like St. Jackass. Only in the city. Rachel Berry was now the one laughing at _him_.

"He knows all about you Finn. You're all I talk about here."

"You sure you're not charmed by his musical talent and perfectly coifed hair?"

"How did you know his hair was perfectly coifed?" Images of Jesse St. James and his poofy hair filled his brain.

"Just a guess."

"Oh. No. He is those things and he has an uncanny ability to reference every musical under the sun, but I guess he just isn't my type." She giggled at his dark look. "He doesn't have your chiseled features or your god-like physique, unfortunately." He smiled. Good.

"He's not a kindred spirit then?"

"No baby. That would only be you."

"I could get used to you calling me baby. It's kinda hot."

"I could get used to saying it." She was looking at him flirtatiously and he was missing her so much at that moment because he just really, really wanted to kiss her. The way she was looking at him, with her face all serious and intense made him think she probably wanted the same thing.

"You being in New York really sucks at the moment."

"I know." She sighed as she ran a hand through her hair. She looked at him and smiled sadly. "Two more weeks right?"

"Two more weeks. That's all." It felt like forever. They said their goodbyes because she needed to wake up early and he planned on running the next morning. He was tempted to open another letter but decided against it. He was never going to sleep if he did. One letter would only lead to another, and with the way he was missing her right then, he woudn't be surprised he ended up reading all her letters until morning. Sleep came didn't come easy that night.


	5. 40 to 51

Her forty fourth letter made him feel like shit. She had spent the last three letters gushing about how amazing he was, except for the forty second letter where he pretty much made an ass out of himself (_**He kissed me mom. He kissed me, and he left me so quickly like my touch burned him. I felt like such a fool, sitting there with that ridiculous picnic spread. I never kissed anyone before. I think my heart is a little bit broken.**_ Okay that made him feel like shit too.). She had a crazy crush on him, of which he had been painfully aware. And everything culminated in the forty fourth letter.

_**Dear mom. We're going bowling! He told me it was good to bowl when you're stressed out. He was helping me with the play when he told me that. Carbaret is going well, except for the fact that Mr Ryerson hates me and wants to steal my leading role. He can forget about that. Sometimes I really miss glee though. It was the only time I felt like I belonged with these people, even if none of them like me very much and are envious of my abilities. But a star isn't supposed to blend in, right? Allowing myself to be apart of a club that doesn't appreciate my talent is selling myself out, which is something I refuse to do. Just like when Jacob Ben Israel wanted me to flash him. He scares me sometimes. But then Finn showed up and everything was just better. He really wants to be my friend mom. Maybe more. I'm really excited. I think this is a date. I wish you were around. Then maybe you would help me pick out my outfit. I feel like this is a very important moment of growth in my teenage years. One I would remember for the rest of my life. Dad and daddy are at a conference in Cleveland and they won't be back until Friday. I would tell them about tonight, but they would probably be worried about my first night out with a boy. I can't wait to tell you how it goes. Rachel Barbara Berry.**_

He remembers how it went all too acutely. She had kissed him and he had let her because it felt amazing. And then he had lied. For a fucking chance at a scholarship. For Quinn, who made him think that baby was his because she knew he was too stupid to question her. He held the forty fifth letter in his hand, his heart beating dangerously. He wanted to skip this one. He had a feeling he knew what it was about. He ripped it open instead. He deserved whatever was coming. The letter was short, the writing huge and angry. There wasn't even a dear mom.

_**He lied. She's pregnant. He's exactly like everybody else in this town. He's the worst. You should have known better. What the hell were you thinking? That we kissed and all your dreams would come true? That we could run away together and live happily ever after? You should really have known better. You're a star and this boy is just a distraction.**_ _**Get over this.**_

There was no gold star. She didn't even sign her name. Every word was like a blow to his heart. He was an asshole. A motherfucking_ asshole_.

Rachel called, and Finn couldn't pick up the phone. He couldn't hear her voice, couldn't bear the forgiveness that was weighing down on him. He skipped his job and took a bus ride to Carmel. His phone rang constantly, alternating between her and Puck, who was probably pissed because Finn ditched him. As Finn walked up the familiar street, he frowned when he saw Sean on his wheelchair, smiling at a little girl who was dancing around him. That was weird. Sean hated that chair. And being outside.

"Hey," he greeted when he was near enough.

"Finnster! I thought you had a job to go to."

"I ditched it." Sean raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Finn turned towards the little girl, who looked about six or seven, and smiled kindly at the way her eyes were practically popping out in curiosity. Sean nodded his head towards her.

"This is Sara. She moved in next door last week." Sara was standing bashfully behind the wheelchair, smiling shyly at him.

"Hi there," Finn greeted, squatting down to shake her hand. She took it and blushed furiously. Finn held back a laugh. She was cute.

"Hi. I'll see you later Sean!" She ran back to the house next door, glancing behind her to look at Finn shyly. Sean snorted.

"New girl Sean?" Finn asked teasingly. The boy shook his head and grinned.

"They moved in last week. Saw me by the pool one day and just wouldn't stop bugging me. But she's a cute kid. She's really shy. So what are you doing here this fine day?" Finn shrugged.

"Haven't seen you in a while."

"You saw me last week." They moved towards the pool in Sean's backyard with Finn walking behind the elder boy, his eyes automatically scanning for any obstacle in the way. Finn sat on a boulder by the water.

"I screwed up." Sean sighed witheringly.

"What did you do this time dumbass?"

"No. I didn't _do_ anything. I mean I did, but it's not recent." Finn was muttering under his breath, looking at the floor. He heard his friend sigh in annoyance.

"I don't have all day dude."

"I kissed Rachel." He moved his gaze from the floor to meet the older boy's eyes. Sean stared right back in amusement.

"Oh for the love of God. Not _Rachel_!"

"I meant when I was with Quinn, dickwad."

"This is like ancient history. I feel like I'm watching a rerun on the History Channel here." Finn sighed. He didn't know why he was being such a douche about this.

"Sorry man. It's just, Rachel gave me these letters."

"Letters?"

"Yeah. Like a bunch of them before she left. She wrote them to her mother."

"That weirdo who moved to New York?" Sean ask before he shook his head in disappoinment. "Oh my God," he groaned. "I know way too much about you people."

"That's cause you love the both of us because we bring sunshine to your life every week."

"No it's because the two of you are the only people who won't stop hounding me. So what about those letters?"

"It's like a diary or something. She writes about her feelings and crap. And this one letter, she was talking about how I kissed her and lied about wanting to spend time with her and then she found out Quinn was pregnant."

"Not your finest hour Hudson," Sean remarked. Finn rolled his eyes. _State the obvious, why don't you._

"I know. I don't know. I just feel like shit." Finn stared glumly at the ground, scuffling his shoe against the tiles.

"You're such a freaking chick Hudson. Okay. I'm just going to ignore the fact that the two of your are the weirdest people I know, because as you said, you do bring sunshine to my otherwise cloudy life. I mean who gives shit like a diary to a boyfriend?"

"It's not a diary. They're letters-"

"Yeah whatever. You should feel shitty. You did a shitty thing. What's your point, Finn?"

"I don't know why she forgave me for all this garbage I pull."

"You don't want her to forgive you?"

"Of course I do. I just-" Finn let out a frustrated groan. "I just wish I was less of jackass."

"Too late for that buddy. But guess what? She's nuts for you anyways. So get over it already. And pick up the damn phone. That song lost it's groove the fifty seventh time I heard it today." Faithfully had been playing out of his phone pretty much the whole time they were talking. Finn realized too late that he should have probably silent his phone. Sheepishly, he grinned at Sean, who was rolling his eyes again. When your whole body is crippled, it was pretty much the only action that could express your disdain. Walking over to the other end of the pool, he answered her call. Rachel was in a frenzy.

"Finn!" she exclaimed dramatically. "Thank God! Why haven't you been picking up my calls? I was so worried. You could have been hit by a car on your way to work!" Her voice was furious.

"Sorry babe. I'm at Sean's."

"Aren't you supposed to be at work?"

"Uh they didn't need me today."

"Oh. Well say hi to him for me. I'm sorry if I was intruding in on your conversation. Just at least text me next time and tell me that you're fine. You really scared me. I was imagining all kinds of calamity that might befall you." He smiled. Trust Rachel Berry to imagine the worst possible scenario.

"I will. I'll call later okay?"

"Alright. Love you."

"Ditto." He hung up and looked up to see his friend rolling his eyes. "Rachel says hi."

"Wipe that smarmy look off your face, man." Sean replied, a smirk on his face.

"Thanks Sean."

"Whatever." The boy in the wheelchair sighed exageratedly. "I need to start charging you for these sessions. You're getting all my sage advice for free." Finn grinned and picked up his friend's hand to fist bump him.

"You like being a shrink. It gives you control over other people's thoughts."

"Oh right," Sean answered sarcastically. "Forgot about that."

"C'mon dude. I'm starving. Do you still have those awesome cookies your mom made last week?"

"And just like that, Finn Hudson's back."

xxx

He spent the day at Sean's and left when it was getting close to dinner time. On the bus ride home, he had mistakenly picked up the phone and had to listen to Puck rip on him for the better part of ten minutes. Apparently, Sandy Ryerson came into the store that day and he snorted as Puck told him the man had made Puck his bitch for a whole fucking hour. "Fuck you Hudson," Puck had replied venomously when he suggested getting close to Ryerson for a sure-fire promotion. Finn hung up on his bestfriend when Puck started in on the chick he was going to score that night. His brain did not need the scars those graphic descriptions would cause.

He arrived home and missed dinner, but his mother had left him some in the microwave. Grateful to have such an awesome mom, he had scarfed down his food as quickly as possible, almost choking on a chicken bone. He needed to get started with those letters if he wanted to finish the stack before calling Rachel. When he finally reached his room, he had made a beeline for the shoebox. Taking out the forty sixth letter, he threw himself onto the bed and began reading.

_**Dear mom. You might be disappointed in me, because I sold out. I don't really understand why I went to Invitationals. I must like torturing myself or something. Seeing that horrid April woman singing MY lines in MY place made me feel so frustrated. It was so ridiculous to put a middle-aged woman in a glee club. What was Mr Schue thinking? Ms. Sylvester had told me I would be having complete creative control in Carbaret. I knew something was wrong with me when the news didn't seem to bring me complete ecstasy. I had thought it was because of what happened with Finn. I slapped him, you know. My hand was stinging for hours afterwards. I told him my dreams wre bigger than him. He probably doesn't care anyway that sometimes I think that isn't true. He had hurt me intentionally. I didn't think he was capable of that. But then I thought about it. He must have been desperate. I still believe that Finn is a good person mom. **_

_**Isn't that crazy? **_

_**However cruel his actions were, I guess I could understand why he did it. The way he did it though, was unforgivable. I must be an idiot because I forgave him anyway. And he didn't even apologize. But he's my friend, mom. I can't not help him just because of the way he acted when I know the reason for his lies. The glee club needs me to survive. Especially since April Rhodes almost ruined the show by being so drunk Mr Schue had to let her go. It's lonely at the top, I know, but getting there doesn't have to be so lonely, right? None of them seem to genuinely like me, except for Finn. But at least they accept me. I think it was fate mom. I really do belong in glee. Rachel Barbara Berry. **_

He finished his stack of letters and got ready for bed. At ten, he sent her a text and told her to turn on her web cam instead. By ten fifteen, Finn was already seated at his desk and Rachel was just logging in. He could see her fixing the camera, trying to find the best angle. She was wearing that nightgown again, with the low-cut neckline. He knew for certain then that she had worn it on purpose. He was staring at her boobs appreciatively when she suddenly pulled back and leaned against her pillows. The picture she was presenting him was making him think many, many thoughts of the inappropriate kind.

"Hi baby!" She was calling him baby again. She was doing that on purpose too. She was killing him.

"You're doing that on purpose, aren't you? You just like to torture me." Rachel giggled and lowered her gaze, looking up at him in a sultry way.

"Maybe." Damn her. She burst out in laughter. "You're so easy Hudson."

"Yeah well I can't help it if my girlfriend is so hot and likes to seduce me with her feminine wiles." She raised her eyebrows. He reciprocated mockingly.

"Feminine wiles? I'm impressed Finn."

"Your letters make me literate. I'm completely defenseless against your need for huge and complicated words nobody else actually use." She rolled her eyes at him.

"A good vocabulary goes a long way Finn. Imagine going for a job interview and telling the interviewer "Uh I like, I want this job cause it's totally awesome!". You'll be laughed out of the room."

"Your imitation of normal-speak is pathetic," he said as he shook his head in mock disappoinment. "What's up in the Big Apple?"

"We're getting ready for our big production of Mamma Mia. It's the grand finale of the entire program."

"Is that the one with all the Abba songs?"

"Precisely. Auditions are tomorrow. I'll be auditioning for the role Sophie, of course." She was smiling pleasantly, but he could see the uncertainty in her eyes.

"Nervous Rach?"

"Of course not. It's preposterous to think I won't be landing that role." She stopped talking then, frowning as she stared at her bedspread. "Although, Ashley does have a good voice. Not as good as mine, obviously, but she has talent. And the director is her uncle so there might be some bureucracy happening tomorrow. Oh Finn! What if I don't get the role? What if they give it to that obnoxious girl who has a perfect nose, and they have me play the unimportant role of Tanya?" Her voice grew higher and higher with each word and she was already close to tears. Finn was starting to regret asking the stupid question in the first place.

"Baby you need to calm down," he said soothingly as she began to hyperventilate. "Breathe Rachel. Slowly. In and out. That's it." He watched her as she followed his words and slowly returned her breathing back to normal.

"I guess I am nervous after all."

"You guess, huh? Don't worry about it so much. You know you're gonna kill that audition. Whatever happens, you're the best girl in that program."

"How do you know?" she asked sourly.

"Because you're Rachel Barbara Berry and you're a star babe. You shine no matter where you are, remember?"

"You really think so?" 

"Totally. And your nose is flawless, by the way. It has personality, and it brings out your Jewish heritage." Rachel smiled at him bashfully. God she was cute when she did that.

"You remember what I said in my letters," she said softly, her eyes shining. He panicked.

"God Rachel you're not going to cry are you?"

"If I was, it would only be happy tears, Finn." she answered assuringly. He sighed in relief. His back was starting to hurt, so he carried his lap top and plopped himself on the bed to get comfortable. He needed to talk to her about her letters. He needed to make up for all the shit he pulled.

"Baby?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry." He said the words quietly, staring straight into her eyes so she could see how much he truly meant them. She looked at him, smiling perplexedly.

"For what?"

"For letters forty two, forty four, forty five and forty six."

"Finn I can hardly remember what I wrote-"

"For taking you bowling and letting you kiss me and think we were going to be together. And for screwing up your first kiss." Her face fell as he said those words and she wall full on glum by the end of it.

"Oh. I don't want to talk about that Finn."

"I do." 

"Please?" She was begging him to let it go. How could she do that? He can't let it go. The whole thing was eating at his insides and making him feel sick.

"Rach-"

"I need to sleep early. I need to be fresh and energized tomorrow if I want to steal the role away from Ashley. You know how important my sleeping pattern is to me Finn. I don't have time for this discussion-" She was starting to babble.

"Rachel! You can't ignore this. You can't ignore what I did!"

"Why not?" she challenged, her eyes flashing. "You seem to be doing that just fine before." That was a low blow. But he guessed he deserved it. He sighed in frustration. He needed to choose his words carefully. He would not allow this to turn into a fight and make her feel worse.

"I know," he began in frustration. He needed to collect himself. A frustrated Finn always turn into Finn-who-fucks-up. He took a deep breath and caught her eye, looking into them unwaveringly.

"Rachel I screwed up so much with you. You have no idea how much I regret my mistakes and it pisses me off that I can't undo them. And you keep forgiving me without question. And I just, I really, _really_ want to apologize. I'm a douchebag. I know that. But you don't seem to know it. You keep- you keep saying you believe in me and it makes me feel like I'm something more, you know?

You make me believe I'm more than what everybody else in this town think of me. You're amazing, Rachel. And I keep wanting to just _be_ better for you. I want to be good for you. But all I do is fuck up and you always let me slide. I'm just- I'm sorry Rachel. I just- _God_! I wish I have the words. I wish I was that guy who could tell you everything you wanted to hear. But I'm not. I'm me. I fuck up. A lot. I can't even apologize properly! " He stopped talking, his hands clenched in fists at his sides. He was fucking this all up.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry, right?" Her tone was slightly sarcastic, but she was smiling at him. She was forgiving him again. It was making him feel like crap. But maybe it was supposed to be that way. Maybe he was always going to regret his mistakes for the rest of his life. And he was always going to feel shitty about the fact that she forgives him so easily. Maybe he just needed to learn to live with that. Like that was his punishment, or something. When the hell did he start becoming so fucking philosophical?

"That quote is bullshit," he grumbled.

"Not to me," she answered softly. "I love you. That's it. And I can forgive you for everything because of that. It's enough. I don't like to think about it too much because it makes me furious, yes. But I know you Finn. You're not that boy who screws up anymore. Yes, admittedly you do make a lot of mistakes, but you always try to rectify them. Your intentions are always honest. It was an isolated incident. I know you won't do it again. And I forgave you for that kiss in the auditorium a long time ago. It wasn't hard to put two and two together and realize you had a little problem with premature ejaculation-"

"Oh God Rachel, don't say it like that," he moaned in embarrassment. She ignored him and continued her speech like he never said anything.

" And you seem to think you're the only one that's getting something out of this relationship, Finn Hudson. That's completely false. I happen to believe that our union is perfectly symbiotic."

"Oh yeah? Like when?" She smiled at him cryptically.

"Just keep reading those letters."

"You know I will." He caught the time at the bottom of his screen. It was late. For Rachel anyways. She needed to get her sleep. Finn was disppointed. This whole long-distance thing was a bitch.

"You need to go babe. It's late." She seemed to look just as disappointed as he was, and that made him feel better.

"Just a week and a half." She said it determinedly, like she was trying to reassure herself.

"Yeah."

"You're _going_ to pick me up from the airport." Her tone was demanding. He grinned playfully.

"Am I? I think I made plans with Puck that day. He has date with the new girl. She has a cousin."

"Well then, I guess I'll just have to accept Alan's invitation to have dinner together tomorrow night," she shot back primly.

"Low blow Rach."

"You deserve it. You're going to pick me up Finn Hudson. I already told my parents. And be prepared. I fully expect you to sweep me off my feet and twirl me around the Arrivals gallery just like in the movies. And also kiss me senseless."

"Of course. I would expect nothing less," he answered, imitating her no-nonsense tone.

"I wish we could talk more," she said sadly as she pouted. "I really miss you Finn."

"I miss you too Rach."

"I have to go."

"I know."

"I don't want to."

"I know. I don't want you to either. But you better. You don't want to be auditioning tomorrow with eyebags on your face." She gasped dramatically at that.

"You're right." She hesitated. "Finn?"

"Yeah babe?"

"I'm a star," she said confidently. "And I don't need bureaucracy to be one. If I don't get the part tomorrow, we both know it's going to because of that little hussy's connections and not because of her talent. But if I don't get the part tomorrow," She stopped and took a deep breath. "If I don't get that part, I'm going to call you and cry okay?" He smiled reassuringly at her because she looked like she wanted to pass out or something.

"Okay." If nothing else, having a drama queen for a girlfriend was ridiculously entertaining. It definitely made his life interesting. They said their goodbyes and he reminded her once again that she had absolutely nothing to worry about. She was the best. He was sure of it. He couldn't really sleep after they hung up and Finn found himself staring at the ceiling, willing his eyes to close. They just refused to comply

He turned his head to the side to look at the shoebox. Making up his mind, Finn stood up and walked over to his desk. The box was filled with opened letters thrown in haphazardly. Rifling through the mess he made, he took out the latest stack. Letter fifty one. Taking it with him to his bed, he laid down into a comfortable position and began to read. His face grew darker with each word and he was frowning deeply once he finished.

He needed to have a talk with Puck tomorrow.


	6. fifty one

_**Dear mom. Be prepared. This is going to be a long one. And shocking. Are you ready? For two days and fifteen hours, I was Noah Puckerman's girlfriend. I shudder to think of how disappointed you must be of me. I'm not quite sure how it happened myself. All I knew was that on Tuesday after school, he had walked over to me and nicely handed me a grape slushie. He thought it was my favorite because apparently I had once savored the taste of it when he threw it in my face. In my absolute stupor, I had refrained from explaining that slushies of any kind causes me to break out in a cold sweat. Being with Noah was an experience, for the lack of a better word. Everybody at school calls him Puck, but I refuse to call someone by a name associated with something hit by hockey sticks or a mischievous fairy in Shakespeare's play. **_

_**It's funny how I should think so, but he's really not so bad mom, once you get to know him. He wanted me to call him Puck, but when I explained the reasons for my reservation, he seemed to completely understand. Or maybe he didn't really care. I can't be absolutely certain. He serenaded me, you know. A Neil Diamond song, as a tribute to both our Jewish heritage. I was very honored. I have never been serenaded before. As you can tell, no boy has ever made any grand gestures for me, especially not THAT boy. Anyway, Noah is a perfectly nice gentleman. When I refused to let him touch my breasts, he was only a little put out by it. I didn't know making out was so much fun. It felt like I was doing some sort of complicated modern dance ritual. I didn't really know what I was doing. Thankfully, Noah did. I keep imagining he was someone else though, you-know-who. He-who-must-not-be-named keeps ruining my life even when he isn't around. **_

_**In the end I knew it was the best for both of us if I ended it. The football coach had a mild case of jealousy and had forced all the football players in glee to choose either us or their team. The other boy likes to disappoint me that way. It's only because I know he is better than his decision. At the end of the day, he came through for us. I know he always will. Anyway, I digress. I broke up with Noah once I realized the futility of our union. He was very angry with me mom. He said some really hurtful words, none I don't already know myself. But I had a hunch. And I'm certain I'm correct. He's in love with Quinn Fabray. In that way, I guess I understand him, to be in love with someone completely unattainable. Somehow, I imagine Noah and Quinn would be perfect together. If they were a couple, they would probably rule the school in blissful terror. All in all it has been a very weird week for me. Oh, to top it all of, I had a taste of my very first slushie. It was grape. It didn't taste all that bad. Rachel Barbara Berry.**_

Finn's eyes twitched every time he thought about the letter, the words 'making out' and 'touch my breasts' glaring like huge neon signs in his brain. He had been in a foul mood all night and morning (He almost forgot to text her good luck for her audition. _That _would have been a disaster of epic proportions.) and when Puck had picked him up for work, he had got into the asshole's truck without a word.

"Time of the month Finnessa?" Puck had teased after about ten minutes of his dark brooding. Finn growled out an incoherent response. "Geez. Someone's got his thong in a twist this morning. Couldn't jack off to Berry's sultry vocals or something?"

"Shut it Puckerman," Finn grounded out, his face red from trying to restrain his anger. He figured it wasn't wise to pummel his friend to the ground when he was driving. The ride to work was a long and annoying one. Puck was howling along to Van Halen and Finn kept imagining Puck and Rachel making out in her bedroom. It was giving him a serious headache. It only got worse as the day wore on. They were both on shelfing duty that day and because he was basically taller than anybody else in Lima, he was always the one shelfing. Puck, the idiot that he was, kept handing him the wrong bottle of soap. They were stacking up the shelf for lavender scented bath foam and Puck kept handing him the grape scented one. It just had to be fucking grape. It fucking figured. After his fifth blunder because he was checking out some customer's ass, Finn lost his patience and threw the stupid bottle at Puck's head with startling accuracy.

"Ow! What's your fucking damage jackass?"

"You are, douchebag," he muttered darkly under his breath. He ignored his friend's string of insults and continued stocking up the shelf gloomily. He remembers with clarity the day Puck had serenaded his girlfriend. He didn't understand what was going on in the beginning. But when Puck had stood before her directly, smiling at Rachel he's trademark Puck-is-harmless grin, it was crystal clear. And when he saw the way her whole body was bopping happily along with the song, he felt absolutely miserable. He _knew_ there was something more going on. He was just in too much denial to ever admit it to himself. After the letter yesterday, he can kiss_ that_ hope goodbye.

It wasn't until lunchtime when he finally decided to confront his so-called bestfriend about things. He found Puck slouching at the picnic table near the dumpster at the back of the store, staring intently at the PSP in his hand as if it held all his life's worth of booty supply in it. Finn had stalked up to him and stopped right in front of where he was sitting, his hands on his hips.

"Why'd you do it?"

"Do what?" Puck asked distractedly, his eyes still on his game.

"Date Rachel." Puck answered something incoherent, pushing the buttons on his PSP as if his life depended on it. Having had enough, Finn swiped the game out of his hands and paused it, holding it high above his head.

"What the fuck asshole? You're ruining my perfect score!"

"Answer my question dickwad, or princess Peach is gonna get it." Puck glared daggers at Finn, his arms crossed angrily over his chest.

"You're such a tall freak," he muttered sourly, unable to reach for his game. "What the fuck do you want Hudson?"

"I want to know why you went out with Rachel."

"Because she's a hot piece of ass."

"Not good enough."

"Because I had a dream that she climbed into my room and she's a smoking hot jew. God just wanted us to have sex. I couldn't say no to the word of God."

"You're full of shit Puckerman."

"So are you dickweed. Now give me back my game!" Finn took a seat next to his friend instead, looking at him angrily. He says his next words furiously, his eyes never leaving his Puck's.

"You knew I liked her. I know you did cause you keep telling me she was a loser and to stop looking her way. If she was such a loser than why'd you do it?" He never understood that. Puck and Rachel. Rachel and Puck. Anyway you spin it, it left a foul taste in his mouth. It was just wrong. Puck was sighing in frustration as he ran a hand through his bald head.

"Damn it Hudson, why do you always want us to be chicks?"

"Because you _owe_ me dumbass."

"Fine. I wanted to make you jealous alright? It was payback." Finn stared. At least he had the decency to look sheepish about it.

"For _what_?"

"For Quinn. For the baby."

"And that was _my_ fault?" His words were dripping with bitterness and barely concealed anger. They never really talked about it. Somewhere along the way, everything was just forgotten. And when Puck had angrily defended Rachel against Jesse and the rest of the assholes from Vocal Adrenaline, it was almost like they were brothers again. Almost. Some things just can't go back to the way they used to be.

"_No,_" Puck answered quickly. "No it wasn't. But you had Quinn." Puck let out a frustrated groan, slouching lower on the bench. "I never stood a fucking chance with her, but _you_. You two were so perfect for each other, it made me sick. With your lameass names. I mean, Finn and Quinn? Are you fucking _kidding_ me? Do you have any idea how lucky you are Hudson? Nobody thinks you're a screw up. Nobody thinks you're going to end up a Lima loser."

"No, they just think I'm an idiot. She thought I was a fucking _idiot_. And you did both played me like one. And we're both losers man. Nobody ever expected anything more than that out of us."

"Whatever. I was jealous, okay? You get everything." Finn looked incredulously at him. Unbelievable.

"What's everything? _Quinn_?"

"Yes. You're the star quarterback, the coolest guy in school. Finn Hudson, isn't he awesome!"

"You're the motherfucking badass," Finn spat out in disbelief. Puck was full of shit, he had always known that. But this was about the worst bullshit that ever spewed out of his mouth.

"I didn't know what else to do, alright? She was having my kid and I was apparently too much of a disgrace for her to admit it. And you were there to fill my spot right in. To save the day and be her knight in fucking shiny armor. It fucking figured my life would end up that way. So I took the only thing you couldn't have. At least I tried anyway. But Berry's a prude and I didn't push for anything."

"Because you _like_ her?" Finn asked sarcastically. He was surprised to see his friend wince. He was just so fucking _angry_. All those months of worrying, of not knowing what to do, of hurting _her_. It was all for _nothing_.

"I couldn't do that to you man. I knew what a blow it was going to be to your 'nads."

"Oh but you _could _do my girlfriend and lie to me about it," he commented sarcastically, his hands in fists at his sides.

"You never cared for Quinn the way you cared for her." Puck snorted derisively. "I'm not nearly drunk enough for this shit."

"Too bad. You almost ruined my fucking life, did you know that? You lied to my face, Puck. Quinn was just a girl. You've been my bestfriend for _years_. You were supposed to have my back. Not stick a fucking blade through it. All those fucking years together, how could you do that to me?"

Finn angrily scuffed the cement with his shoe. This was not how things were supposed to go. They weren't supposed to talk about _this_. He didn't want to talk about this. Lunch was definitely over. Howard Bamboo was probably wondering where they were. This was so fucking messed up. He didn't see this confrontation ever coming around. It figured that when it did, it was going to be behind the alley of Sheets 'N' Things. His life was a fucking comedy. He dropped his body on to the bench next to Puck who was uncharacteristically silent.

"I'm an asshole man," he finally said.

"Yeah?" Finn grumbled. "What else is new?"

"I'm sorry." Puck's voice was quiet, absolutely sober. It was as sincere as he was ever going to be. Finn wondered how much of a doormat he really was to be able to forgive his friend so easily. He realized he's forgiven them a long time ago. Maybe it was because it's been more than a year. Or that he essentially got his life back. Or that even after all the shit that went down, he still has Rachel. He probably wouldn't be able to appreciate her the way he does if things had been even a little different. That would have been a shame. If that was the case then in a way, Puck and Quinn's betrayal was a blessing in disguise, as much as it pained him to admit that. And maybe it was just because he and Rachel were more similar than he thought. They were kindred spirits after all.

"You _should_ be sorry asshole. I can't believe you made out with Rachel." He knew Puck knew he was forgiven. His friend was quiet, relief written all over his face. It lasted for a few seconds before the expression turned into one of restlessness. He knew from the look on Puck's face he was itching to say something. Something undoubtedly Puck-like. "Just spit it out already."

"I'm glad you've forgiven me and all but I just wanted to say, Berry was _fierce_. She slapped my hands away when I tried to feel her up, but she had the potential to be a freak in bed. If it weren't for you, I would've tapped that."

"Like you had a chance. She would have cut your balls off."

"Like she did yours?"

"You're one to talk, _Noah_."

"I only let her call me that because I wanted to stop her yakking. Bitch said my name sounded like a fucking _fairy_. The Puckmeister is _badass_."

"She whipped you up good Puckerman. No point in denying it."

"Whatever. I'm not the one watching Funny Girl and West Side Story on my free time."

"Yeah. Because naming musicals is such a badass thing to do."

"Asswipe."

"Dick."

"Jerkoff."

"Douchebag."

"Jackass."

"Motherfucker."

"You know it. Owned and proud of it baby."

"You're such an asshole."

"I know."

xXx

He was waiting impatiently for her to finally be done rehearsing and get on the freaking web cam. They had talked to each other only once that day. She had called him after her audition in hysterics. It took him nearly three minutes to get her to calm down and find a place to sit.

"There will be other auditions, Rach" he had tried to assure her. She was quiet for a few seconds.

"What are you talking about Finn? Didn't you listen to what I've been saying?"

"It's kind of hard to understand you through all that sniffling and hiccuping babe," he said wryly.

"Oh. I got the part!"

"You got the part?"

"Yep!"

"You got Sophie?"

"Yes!"

"Rach that's awesome!"

"I'm glad you share my enthusiasm Finn."

"Rachel of course I would be happy for you."

"Alan says I'll be the best Sophie that will ever grace the stage of this school."

"Okay baby, you have _got_ to stop ruining the moment by talking about this Alan guy."

"But Alan is my friend."

"Alan is a dude. You don't talk about other dudes complimenting you to your boyfriend."

"You're being juvenile."

"You love me and my juvenilist tedencies."

"That's not a word Finn. You mean juvenilistic."

"Whatever."

"Oh no! I have to go."

"Alan calling?" It was meant to be a joke. It sounded way too bitter to be one.

"I'm going to ignore your _juvenilistic _act and say a proper goodbye. I have rehearsals Finn. I am a very important member of the cast. I'll talk to you tonight. Love you."

"Yeah."

Admittedly, he was still slightly pissed over the whole Puck and Rachel, Rachel and Puck thing. Not at her, of course. He wasn't that much of an idiot. He was just annoyed. It was something he did not want to happen. Ever. He got over it by dinnertime though. A full stomach always made him a lot more reasonable. Damn she was really late. It was eleven thirty. At this rate, they were going to have to say goodbye the moment they said hello. His phone rang and he lunged for it.

"Where are you?"

"I'm still at school." 

"_Now_? It's almost midnight."

"Rehearsals just ended. I'm on my way home right now." He didn't like the sound of that at all. He furrowed his brow in worry and sat up straight on the bed.

"You're _walking_? Alone? Isn't that kind of dangerous? Where's Alan?"

"I thought you didn't like him." She puffed as she spoke. He guessed she was probably already outside. "He left hours ago. He's working with the lighting department. It was only the cast that had to stay."

"Can't Leroy pick you up or something?"

"It's only a ten minute walk Finn. I'm already almost halfway there. Besides, there are still people out. This is Manhattan."

"I know. That's what I'm worried about. They always show people getting maimed and murdered there."

"You need to stop watching so much crime shows on television. That's just a great visual image Finn. Thanks so much for planting those thoughts in my head. Thank goodness I'm almost home."

"Sorry baby. How was rehearsals?" He was still worried. But at least she was almost home.

"Great. Ashley tripped me once and I almost fell off the stage. She apologised profusely, but I'm absolutely convinced she did it on purpose."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Just a little bruise on my knee."

"That Ashley's a bitch."

"Oh Finn. You have such a way with words. I couldn't agree more. Oh I'm home!" He breathed a sigh of relief as he heard her open the door to what must be Leroy's apartment complex.

"Good."

"I'm so exhausted Finn. I have to be up early tomorrow for morning rehearsals."

"I know you do." He was disappointed. He was definitely not going to see her face tonight.

"I'm truly sorry." Her voice was regretful.

"I know you are. That's okay. We can see each other tomorrow."

"You're the best boyfriend ever."

"I know it."

"So how was your day?" Now they were getting somewhere. Lying down to get himself comfortable, he threw a football at the switch to turn off the light. He missed by a foot and the ball banged against the door. Stupid arm.

"I read your letter. Number fifty one."

"You did?"

"Uh-huh. It was very interesting. It was all about Puck and Rachel. Or Rachel and Puck." He knew she had stopped walking because he couldn't hear her climbing up the stairs anymore.

"Oh."

"Yep."

"Are you okay?" He thought about it.

"Yeah. I mean, I did not need the pictures that you have forever imprinted in my mind of you and Puck getting it on. That just really made me sick. And incredidbly pissed. But I talked to Puck today." 

"About the letter?"

"Yeah. It started about that. Then it kind of changed." 

"What do you mean changed?" He knew from the tone of her voice that she must be frowning.

"Where are you?"

"In the middle of the staircase."

"Geez hurry up and get into Leroy's apartment. There could be weirdos living in that building."

"Everybody here is perfectly pleasant. I'm walking. What did you talk about?"

"Quinn. Well not Quinn. Just Babygate." He heard gasp dramatically. He really hoped she didn't stop walking. There could legitimately be some psycho axe murderer living in that apartment. He wanted her in her room as soon as possible.

"Oh _Finn_. How are you feeling? I wish I was there with you. I'll turn on the web cam as soon as I reach my room."

"No you don't have to do that babe. I'm fine. It was actually okay. You know how I've been avoiding talking about this?"

"I know."

"I thought it was going to be horrible. Not that it wasn't. It just wasn't as bad as I thought. I guess I already forgave him a long time ago. He's still an asshole though. But that's just Puck."

"I'm glad. Okay you can breathe now. I'm in my room."

"_Finally_. You only took like an _hour_. Yeah, me too. It's like now everything's out in the open you know. And I have you to thank for that."

"Now look who's the dramatic one. It was less than thirty minutes and I haven't done anything."

"Yeah but that letter pissed me off enough to confront him about it."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"I helped you with that? Really?"

"Really."

"Can you tell how huge my smile is right now?"

"Probably the hugest smile ever. What are you doing?"

"Taking off my clothes." His mouth felt dry all of a sudden.

"_What_?"

"To get ready for bed, you big pervert."

"I knew that. So you still got your clothes on?"

"No I'm in my underwear." _Damn_. He really needed to find that picture she sent him. He was definitely printing that one out tomorrow. And putting it under his pillow. "Now I'm taking off my bra."

"You're a tease Berry." Her laughter was merry and infectious.

"I'm just giving you some visuals to take to bed."

"Oh I've got plenty of visuals, don't you worry about that." He heard her yawn from the other end. It was already twelve thrity. She was going to sleep soon. "I miss you Rach." He heard her sigh and imagined her sitting on her bed. Naked. Finn bit back a groan. He really needed to stop doing that.

"I miss you too. I miss just lying next to you and feeling your body next to me. And your hands, and your lips, and your face. I just miss all of you."

"Well there _is_ a lot to miss," he joked feebly.

"I have to go Finn. I need to brush my teeth and wash my face and get ready for bed."

"Okay. I'll talk to you tomorrow okay?"

"Of course. Goodbye Finn."

"You sound so dramatic." He said it affectionately, so he knew she wouldn't be angry. "It sounds like forever when you say it that way. Just say see you later or something."

"See you later. I love you Finn Hudson."

"See you later Rach. I love you too."

"Goodnight. Sweet dreams."

"Night babe." He hung up and stared at his phone. It was thursday. Ten more days. He looked despondently at the unchecked boxes on his calender. His phone was beeping, signifying a text message. He opened it to find Rachel, her lips puckered up in a kiss and her eyes scunched shut. She looked ridiculous. He grinned. Ten more days. When she lands in Lima, he was going to pay her back for being such a tease. It was going to be awesome.


	7. post sectionals stress

In the subsequent days after the phone conversation he had with her about letter number fifty one, Rachel just seemed to get busier and busier. By Sunday, he had given up hope of ever seeing her face on his web cam again. He was surprisingly fine with it though. By Sunday night, Finn was already up to letter number seventy one. It was amazing how much you can get done when your girlfriend is too busy to talk to you. The less time his girlfriend has to spend on him, the more time he has to get to know the girl she used to be. So Finn wasn't really as upset about the situation as they had both thought he would be. Even when Rachel wasn't around, she was just around. It was like she was with him everyday. Through each letter he read, he feels himself getting closer and closer to her, something he never thought was possible given how close they already were.

The letters leading up to Sectionals was just plain fun. As he read them he remembered thos people they used to be. Rachel was such a mystery to him then. This outspoken, strange girl with the ability to turn his thoughts into nothing but of her day in and day out even through all the burden he was carrying, of Quinn and the baby that he had thought was his. It made him smile to know the torch she carried for him. Every single letter never fails to mention his name, even when they had nothing to do with him. She was very proud of the fact that she managed to get him a job (_**As a friend, it was the least I can do to use all the power of influence within me to get him that job as a waiter mom. Some people might call me manipulative, but I just prefer the term resourceful. Now he finally has a chance to prove to Quinn how helpful he truly is. I wish she appreciated his efforts more. He's trying the best he can, but all she does is yell at him. It really does absolutely no good for his morale.**_). That job had been a bitch. Moving around in a wheelchair was no funny business and trying to bus a tray full of plates in one was just plain hell. But he did it and he got paid for it. That had made Quinn happy. Or at least bearable to live with.

She raved over the fact that he had been rooting for her during the sing-off with Kurt. It was really no competition in his opinion. Her voice was the most amazing thing he has ever heard. Kurt was awesome, but Rachel was just something else. Her voice gives him chills, the insanely good kind. He was glad to know that he wasn't a total douchebag. At least he made her happy sometimes. She even said so. In one letter, after some stupid cheerio had called her RuPaul one too many times and he had apparently called her awesome and the best ever, she had specifically said so (_**He is the only person to understand me and accept me as I truly am mom. Finn is special. You might think I'm just saying this because he is my only friend, but even if I were to have a thousand, he would be the only one I would call my truest and best friend. I won't tell him this though. It might scare him away**_.). The one about her crush on Mr Schue freaked him out a bit though. The thought of Rachel ever imagining Mr Schue as something other than their teacher made him want to throw up in his mouth just a little.

_**Dear mom. I have made the most idiotic fool out of myself this week. Stupidly, I had thought myself in love with my glee teacher. Thankfully, Mr Schuester had been very gracious about it. Suzy Pepper made me see the light when she talked about her own experience. She told me I was a mildly attractive person with a grating personality and that I should find my mildly attractive groove back. That was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, except maybe when Finn told me he liked me. But Finn has always been different. It gets harder and harder not to care about what the others think of me. Sometimes I blame him for that. If he didn't show me how good it felt to be liked, then it wouldn't bother me so much when nobody likes me. I was acting like such a silly girl. I'm ashamed to say I even went to his house for a visit. His wife got me to clean their toilet for them. I have never stooped so low, even in my most desperate attempts to reach stardom. I am only grateful that nobody else knows of this or else I woud never be able to live with the mortification. Rachel Barbara Berry.**_

_**Dear mom. Mr Schue once told me that someday I was going to find someone. I was going to find the boy who loves me for exactly who I am. He said that boy was going to love even all the things I hate about myself. I thought he was really full of it. Where was I going to find that person? Finn said something to me and it made me think again. Kurt Hummel had offered his services to me this week. He told me he wanted to give me a makeover. I don't know why I trusted him. He hates me and I don't even know why. But it made Finn see me. He saw me in a way I've always dreamed he would. In my delusional mind I truly thought I had a chance. But Kurt sabotaged me and it chased Finn away. I had been literally squeezed into this ridiculous leotard and he told me I looked like a sad clown hooker. That had hurt. But then, oh mom. He told me he really likes the way I dress just as me. He likes my sequinned leg warmers. He notices them! And now all I keep thinking about is the words Mr Schue said to me about that special boy. What if I found him mom and he belongs to someone else? What then? Rachel Barbara Berry.**_

He had frowned deeply as he read that letter, remembering the night clearly in his mind. It had killed him to walk away. She had looked ridiculous. And his stupid mouth had opened and the horrible word vomit just came out before he could stop himself. He was such a bumbling oaf of a jock. What kind of an idiot says someone looks like a sad clown hooker anyway? She was adorable, even through that weird make up and that really bad way she wore her hair. He couldn't believe Kurt had really sabotaged her. It still blew his mind to think that his stepbrother was once in love with him. He didn't like to think about that one for too long. It didn't bring good memories. But oh how he wished so badly he could have stayed that night. He remembers running like an idiot back to Quinn, telling her he loved her just so he could get rid of the guilt he felt at the intensity of his feelings for Rachel. He really hadn't been fair to his ex-girlfriend. He guessed they both did a lot of lying.

Hey stopped talking about her letters in their conversations, mostly because she was too busy to really talk for long periods of time. He had a feeling the director of hers was a nazi and when he told her so, she didn't try to berate and just sighed in resgination instead. Their calls become short and constant blurbs, always catching each other at whatever free time the other had. She was usually busy during lunch, when he was at work and he was free during the crazy late rehearsals her director insisted on conducting. Short voicemails became the norm, unless she was missing him particularly hard. Then she could go on on and on for three voicemails or five. Her record though, was definitely seven.

She had spent the first three fuming of how Ashley had once again tried to steal her role by fooling her into thinking the rehearsal schedule had changed, knowing her uncle's intolerence for no-shows. Thankfully, she had stressed dramatically, Alan had come to her rescue once again when his friend Todd from the lighting department apparently overheard her plans and told him. Finn thought these people she was with were just as ridiculously dramatic as she was and really couldn't wait until she returned to Lima and be around relatively stabler humans. Relative being the operative word. Her next two was about her rehearsals and how this director was almost like the second coming of Sue Sylvester (That made him shudder. Sue Sylvester scared the crap out of him.). Her last two was Rachel, almost in hysterics, screaming about how ludicrous it was that they just can't seem to catch each other and just talk for five fucking minutes. He added the fucking part, of course. He was inclined to agree with her. He didn't even bother feeling put out that she was raving about Alan once again because it had just felt so good to hear her voice after a hard day of having Sandy Ryerson make him unfold and fold basically every fucking sheet in the store before leaving with a pink porcelain statue of a cat. He didn't think they could ever pay him enough to handle that man. Poor Howard Bamboo has never recovered from Sandy Ryerson's emotional abuse. He had an odd way of making you feel like a complete failure at your inablitiy to tell the difference from Coral pink to Carmine pink or whatever the hell it was he said. She posts videos of herself rehearsing on Myspace for him. She was amazing of course. God, he missed glee and performing with her so much. Once he even saw Alan, who waved at him from behind her huge and crazy smile.

That Sunday, he had just called her goodnight. Or at least he tried to. The poor girl was was exhausted and had answered the phone sleepily. He was sure she already fell asleep the moment her head hit the pillow. She had texted him five minutes earlier, informing him she was home but he was finishing up an errand for his mom. When he told her so, she said it was fine and that she would be waiting by the phone. It was ten thirty, and the only night where her rehearsals didn't run to an ungodly hour. But by the time he called, she was already only halfway lucid, incoherently mumbling at him through the speakers. He had gently told her to go back to sleep and hung up. He wasn't sure if she even heard him. Sighing at his ruined plans for the night, Finn had turned to the next best thing to Rachel, her letters. He opened letter number seventy one dejectedly.

_**Dear mom. Quinn Fabray lied. Finn isn't a father. She's pregnant and th baby is Noah's. I'm still reeling from the day's events. I had cleverly extracted the truth out of her when I suspected something was fishy. Noah has been suspiciously attentive to her needs, moreso than a normal impartial unrequited lover. Does it make me a horrible person to say that I was so incredibly relieved to now the truth even though I realized how much it was going to hurt him? Tomorrow's Sectionals and Finn's not coming. Everybody is blaming me. But how could I keep it from him mom? Yes, admittedly some of my compulsion to tell him came from the fact that he would now be free of his chains and free to, I hope, pursue me. But even if it wasn't so, Finn has been nothing but a good friend to me ever since the whole bowling debacle, which I have chosen to put behind me completely. And the issue with the club photo, of which I have also chosen to ignore, hence you not knowing about it until now. Anyway, as his friend, his real and true friend, how could I not tell him the truth? He refused to believe me in the beginning. It had hurt when he said that I was lying. When he realized that I wasn't, he swiftly stalked bac into the choir room and proceeded to physically assault Noah until Mr Schue came and broke them apart. Sectionals is tomorrow but all I can think about is Finn. Mom I'm so worried. I wish someone could tell me things are going to be fine. Rachel Barbara Berry.**_

_**Dear mom. Finn saved us again! We were completely sabotaged by the other two schools and were to at the point of defeat when he strode into the room heroically, with a song in hand. I knew he would come through. When I asked him if he was okay he had just smiled at me and told him not to worry about it. How can I not worry about it when this whole situation was caused by me. But I took his words to heart and I gave it my best. Don't Rain on My Parade has been my best and most perfected catalogue in my repertoire. Needless to say, I'm certain I made my namesake proud. We won Sectionals mom! I'm still pinching myself over it. Poor Mr Schuester couldn't come with us, so we arranged a special performance just for him. He ran out of the room the minute it was over, but that wasn't important. What was important was that I had taken Finn's hand in mine when it was over and squeezed it. He had smiled at me and squeezed back. This is the start of something new mom. I can feel it in my bones. Rachel Barbara Berry.**_

It wasn't until letter seventy seven when he stopped reading. This whole stack was a disaster. From the moment Sectionals was over and he came back down from the high it had brought, he and Rachel had been doomed to fail. Life after Sectionals was just the most fucked up he had ever been. It was three weeks of feeling nothing but the numb pain of loss. Loss of so many fucking things. Quinn. Puck. Drizzle. It was the loss of his pride that had hurt the worst of all. He had refused to speak to anyone who wasn't Rachel. She had taken his hand willingly, guiding him through that hazy first week protectively. He had refused to talk and so she did. She talked and talked and talked. Her voice had washed over him in calming waves, the sound soothing his broken heart. He wasn't even sure what she was talking about.

Finn never really tried to lead her on. Of course he hadn't. But he had kissed her that one time. And that had been the downfall. He couldn't help himself. She had looked beautiful and heartbroken as she kneeled next to him on the floor, her hands on his thigh. He told her all about Drizzle. About how he cried like a baby, realizing that daughter wasn't his. Feeling stupid for pouring all his love into a picture of a sonogram of someone else's kid. Breaking his mother's already fragile heart. And she had looked like she understood everything he was feeling. If he had known then what he knew now, it would have made perfect sense (_**I thought of you mom, and how we've never seen each other. If he could love this child so unconditionally when he thought it was his, couldn't you, knowing with absolute certainty I was yours? It must have been hard to give me away. Poor Finn. He had that baby ripped away from him. It was never his in the first place.**_).

She had stuck to him just a litle tighter after that. And in those first few weeks he didn't care, but then he started feeling again, and he found that he did. She had stifled him, and it wasn't even because she became more insistent. She was exactly the same. He was the one who changed. Suddenly, she became overbearing. Suddenly the attentions that he had welcomed began to choke the atmosphere around him. And he knew she could feel it too. (_**He's slipping away mom. How do I let him see? He keeps missing our dates. So I'm making us a his and her calenders. Maybe he won't miss them anymore.**_). He could tell from her letters she was getting desperate. Sometimes she sounded downriht crazy (_**How do I hold onto him mom?**_), and he new she became that way because of him.

In a way, it was both their faults. He had made the first move even though he knew he wasn't ready. But she had let him, knowing the very same thing. After all, Rachel had said it perfectly herself. She was the only one who really knew him. The only who would accept him exactly the way he was. He was too blinded by his newfound freedom, denying his own heart what he truly wanted because he was scared of what it would entail. And she was too impatient, too hurt and broken to wait for him to be ready. In the end, it was the both of them who ruined that chance. She knew it too.

_**Dear mom. Finn and I are no longer together. This hurts too much. He hurts too much. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of being the only who keeps holding on. The only one waiting, wishing for something more. I know he cares for me. And maybe one day he'll realize it. But I'm done waiting. Rachel. **_

He remembers those two people, both lost in their own selfish reasons to really see where the other was coming from. Sometimes when he thinks back, it was like looking at two strangers. Two people who were not him, not Rachel. It was two people completely in-tuned with one another, but choosing to ignore the signals the other was sending. Again, he couldn't truly regret his post-sectionals stress. In the grand scheme of things, it made their inevitable coming together just that much more meaningful to the both of them. Finn leaned back into his pillows and looked out. It was almost light out. He had that Monday off. He was going to call her every break she gets. He was going to start with a wake up call.


	8. Temporary reprieve

Finn Hudson's life was full of circumstances that he found hard to accept. Like having to move out of the only home he had ever known and live in another house all the way on the other side of town. Or suddenly having to share his mother with two other complete individuals when he has had her all to himself for sixteen years. Falling in love with a self-proclaimed high maintanence girl like Rachel Berry and getting ragged on because of that fact. Just to name a few. He's learned to deal. Some of these he took in stride, and others were harder to swallow. But the one fact that he found the hardest to accept (And for the longest time denied altogether), was the fact that Rachel Berry had truly cared for Jesse St. James.

The day had actually been a pleasant one, all things considered. Realizing that he had stayed up basically all night in his utter fixation to finish her account of his post-sectionals stress, Finn had decided against going to sleep. Instead, he had waited until it was approximately six in the morning before picking up his phone and calling the second person on his speed dial, next to his mother. She had answered the phone with an incoherent mumble. He was almost positive she said something about soup troopers coming soon. She obviously thought she was still dreaming.

"Rise and shine sleepy head," he teased, his voice a tone louder than the usual. He heard Rachel groan as she mumbled, asking for the time.

"It's six a.m. Rachel Berry. This is your wake up call." There was some sort of bewildered silence from her end before she seemed to find her voice.

"Finn?"

"Yeah baby?"

"Am I dreaming? What are you doing up at this hour? I thought it's your day off." It was amazing how she could go from half-dreaming to fully lucid in a matter of seconds. He would have felt insulted if he wasn't aware of how close to impossible their current situation was.

"Hey there's a first time for everything Rachel Berry." He refrained from mentioning the fact that he never went to sleep in the first place because he was too preoccupied with her letters. He didn't really want to talk about it. He figured her letters just might be helping him grow up a little bit. And part of growing up means knowing when to let some things go. And that period of limbo between them was in Finn's opinion, a painful experience for the both of them. It had been necessary in a way, but it wasn't necessary to bring it up again.

"This is good progress Finn. I'm very impressed. Maybe now you'll start to regulate your sleeping habits into a healthier and stabler routine."

"_Whoa,_ let's not get ahead of ourselves here," he answered, amused. Rachel was always jumping ahead of everyone else. "It's only one morning." She said nothing for a while and he wondered if maybe she went back to sleep. Just as he was about to speak up, she spoke.

"Finn?"

"Yes Rachel?"

"Why am I in yesterday's clothes?" Her voice sounded completely baffled. He grinned.

"Cause you fell asleep and left me hanging last night Rachel Berry."

"Oh no!" She moaned dejectedly, completely upset. "I'm so sorry Finn! And yesterday was supposed to be the night we can finally talk after such a harrowing week for the both of us."

"Speak for yourself. The only thing harrowing about my week was Sandy Ryerson, and since he's almost a daily occurance, it definitely doesn't count as just a week."

"Regardless. I was really looking forward to last night. Now another crazy week's beginning and I'm never going to be able to talk to you!" She sounded so sad that he couldn't contain his smile any longer.

"Lucky for you, you've got an awesome boyfriend. I'm doing nothing today. I'm not even going to Puck's to finish our Call of Duty marathon. I'm gonna be sitting at home, on my bed, or in front of the tv, and I'm going to wait for all your breaks. Every single one of 'em because today Rachel Berry, I'm going to be hounding you to death every spare second that you have." He heard her squeal happily from the other end and imagined that she was probably jumping excitedly out of her bed.

"Really Finn? Truly? You're going to be there whenever I call? You're not going to be busy doing something else?"

"Scout's honor."

"You're awesome baby."

"You know I love it when you talk normal to me Rach." She giggled.

"This is the best way to wake up ever. What spurred this on?"

"Just making up for lost time." Spending hours reading on the efforts she went through for him made him feel inadequate. Maybe he will never be able to make up for it all, but he thought spending one day waiting around for her for once could be some sort of start.

She had refused to turn off the phone and insisted he waited for her as she got ready for the day. She had turned on her speakers and he could hear her as she bustled around the room, chattering merrily about her day. They were having their first dress rehearsals and she was determined to bring along her lap top so that she could show herself in full costume through the web cam.

When she took her shower, she brought her phone in the toilet with her. She must know how much she was killing him. He could hear the water running and it was doing dangerous things to his mind and body as he imagined her. Naked. And wet. Rachel Berry was driving him crazy. What else was new? She was taking forever. His mind was treading along perilous territories. Just as he was about to hang up the phone (because it was most definitely impossible for him to continue as they were any longer), she began to sing.

And dear God, he _missed_ the sound of it. Finn tried his best to focus on the sound of her as it rose effortlessly above the sound of running water. He didn't even know what she was singing, probably a song from the play. He was never a fan of ABBA. All he listened to was the way her voice wove itself through the phone and went directly into his brain, a soothing melody to his ears. She was pure unadulterated music, the most organic sound in his world. He heard her as she turned off the shower, still humming chirpily.

"Baby are you still there?"

"You're mean Rachel." Her laughter was joyful. He was convinced. She knew exactly what she was doing to him. She was evil.

"It's hardly my fault that you can't control your own desires."

"It's been three weeks Rachel. _Three!_ A lesser man would have caved in to his desires by now."

"You're so dramatic."

"I got it from you babe."

"And don't you even _think_ of caving in to your desires for even one second Finn Hudson or I'm going to come back and castrate you myself." The volume of her voice was fluctuating erractically and he pictured her walking busily around her room, getting ready. He fished out the picture of Rachel in her underwear that he had placed secretively inside his pillowcase. Seven days. Just seven days. That wasn't so bad. Screw that. Seven days was _forever_.

"I don't know Rach. Puck told me we're like sex sharks. We die when we don't get any. He's been trying to keep me alive since you deprived me of my survival weeks ago." She snorted.

"Noah is an abominable degenerate. He's sooner likely to die of a sexually-transmitted disease before he even gets the chance to be deprived." Finn blanched, disgusted.

"Ew. Gross Rachel."

"It's true. You're welcomed to join him Finn. Just don't come running back to me when it's too late and you find yourself with Syphilis or worse."

"Okay. We're ending this discussion. Like now."

"You started it," she shot back primly. "You shouldn't have begun something you didn't intend to finish."

"I can never finish anything when I'm with you." His voice was wry, but he was smiling. This was the longest they've spoken ever since a week ago. He missed their mundane chatter. He listened as she bustled around her room in silence, occasionally reminding him not to hang up the phone. After almost fifteen minutes of silence, she finally spoke.

"I'm ready! Walk me to school?" He looked at the time. It was ten minutes to seven. Who the hell goes to a school at this hour? He looked down at what he was wearing and grinned. He must be crazy too.

"Come running with me?"

"Wow you're really working hard this morning. I'm so proud of you. Of course. But hurry up please. It's almost seven. I need to arrive at rehearsals at eight sharp."

"Yeah I know cause your director's a freaking Nazi. I'm ready Rach. Let's go."

"Oh. I feel like we're on a date!" She chirped happily as he opened the door to his room. Nobody was even up yet. Being in love with Rachel Berry was making him do ridiculous things. Like going running at the crack of dawn. A year ago, the thought of being awake before twelve in the summer would have made him laugh out loud.

"This could be a date. A fifteen minute date. I'm walking down the stairs. Where are you?"

"Walking down the stairs too." She was giggling giddily. He smiled.

"I'm opening the door now. You better hurry up or I'm leaving without you." He heard her steps picking up speed until it sounded like she was sprinting. When she spoke, she sounded slightly breathless.

"Done! I'm outside. Isn't it a beautiful day?"

"Definitely. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping. It's perfect."

"I can see you! You're walking down your driveway. And now you're turning right, heading towards the park." Actually, he was turning left, towards Santana Lopez's house. Finn grinned and turned around, walking towards the park instead.

"You're walking down the street. Now you're at an intersection." She gasped dramatically.

"You see me too! Now I'm crossing towards the opposite side. There are a lot of cars this morning."

"Careful babe."

"I always am. I never fail to look both ways when I cross the street. And I don't talk to strangers. Except yesterday. I helped this little old lady across. She was so adorable Finn. She told me I could come to her house and look at her cats."

"How do you know she's not a psycho killer grandma who draws unsuspecting girls into her apartment to become cat food?"

"You're ludicrous. She couldn't be. She was entirely too small to possibly trap an able-bodied girl like me." He loved it when she goes along with his insane stories.

"Maybe she has one of those serial killer-type sons and he's waiting behind the door with an axe. You come and _swish_!" He attempted to make the sound of an axe coming down on her head.

"But then wouldn't the place reek with the smell corpses?" she argued sensibly, like they were talking about the wheather or something. This girl was his _soulmate_. Enough said. "Where would they keep the bodies of all those other girls they have previously mudered?"

"They chop 'em up of course. And put 'em in trash bags. There'll be like body parts in the freezer. She probably has like those cooler thingies where people put ice cream. Oh! And they'll boil all the heads to shrivel 'em up and feed the cats. She probably has like, thirty cats or something."

"Yes," she answered easily. "And since they apparently only murder unassuming girls like me, they might even shave their heads before they boil them and sell their hair as wigs for extra funds to sustain their lifestyle of depravity."

"That's disturbing Rachel," he said as he shuddered, thinking of some stranger with a dead girl's hair on her head. Suddenly, the lonely walk towards the park didn't seem as good of an idea anymore.

"Finn?" she squeaked.

"Huh?"

"I'm scared. I'm not going to talk to any old ladies anymore. I'm not going to talk to any strangers, period." He laughed a little and sobered up quickly before she could get upset.

"I'm sorry baby," he said soothingly. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"That's quite alright. I know how much you love your CSI. I just wished we spent our time talking about more pleasant things. I've reached the school and now I have to hang up after talking about boiled heads." She sounded disappointed. And a little sad.

"I'll be here all day remember? I'm not doing anything today."

"You're just going to wait around for my call?"

"Yep."

"You promise?"

"Yes."

"Good." He could tell she was smiling happily on the other line because he was doing the exact same thing.

"I love you Finn."

"Love you too."

He had reached his destination by the time they hung up. Taking his iPod out of his pocket, he put on his headphones and listened to the sound of her playlist reverbrating in his ears. As he began to run, he marveled at her ability to find songs that seemed to fit them perfectly. Spin by Lifehouse began to play and he remembers acutely the first time he heard the song.

Rachel Berry could probably name you every single Broadway tune ever sung. But she got it into her head that her pool of musical knowledge was pathetic when Artie had one day started talking about some obscure indie band that really, none of them knew. Somewhere between their second and fifth month of being together, Rachel became hell-bent on, in her exact words, expanding her limited range of music so that her repertoire will be widely covered. And naturally, he got roped into doing the same thing because Rachel's I's became we's the moment she decided they were going to be together for the rest of their lives.

Personally, he was perfectly content with his limited range of music choices, but there really were worse things in life than lying on a bed next to Rachel Berry and sharing a pair of earphones to some random melody. She takes her music very seriously. Her face will be be furrowed into a frown of concentration as she shut her eyes tight, listening intently to every individual sound in the song. Sometimes, he didn't even listen and just watched her in amusement as she bit her lip and bobbed her head along to the music. He liked to run a hand over her furrowed brow to smooth it over when she starts looking like she might just be having a brain aneurism. It didn't take long for that particular activity to turn into another more interesting and mutually satisfying act that involved his hand over her innocently bra-cladded boobs. Needless to say, discovering new music quickly became one of his favorite couple things that they do.

He remembers listening to Lifehouse on a rainy afternoon after school when glee was canceled because Mr Schue had the flu. Artie had passed along a CD to Rachel who had squealed in delight as she dragged him along towards her car and drove them to her house. He loves hanging out at her place because parental supervision was pretty much nonexistent until around five o'clock. She had pulled him along as she ran up the stairs and they found themselves in the familiar position on her bed, her old-school discman in between them (He couldn't believe she still used that thing). He was listening indifferently to the music, his forefinger drawing circles along her palm absent-mindedly.

To be honest, Finn had thought they were boring and lost his focus three songs in, but from the way she was swaying gently on the bed, he knew she was into it. But when that particular song came up, he was drawn in from the very first verse. He had listened intently the whole way through as his finger stilled on her palm. It seemed to fit him and the way he felt about her perfectly. It was like the singer had hung around in his brain for the past couple of months and then decided to write a song about it. It was a little freaky.

After the song was over, she had turned to him and smiled that small smile of hers. The one she always has on when he somehow managed to say something right once in a while. He had returned her smile with one of his crooked ones as he cupped her face and pulled her in for a kiss, the discman between them digging into his stomach. He always wondered if she knew what he was thinking. He had went home and downloaded the song, listening to it on repeat that night until he fell asleep. The song was almost ending as he ran around the park and Finn broke into a huge grin. She must have noticed.

He ran a few circles before he decided to call it a day, leaning his body forward, his hands on his knees. He wondered if it really was his stamina increasing or if it was just his imagination. His left pocket vibrated and he pulled it out to find a text from Rachel.

(Turn on your lap top. I'm waiting for you! =))

He smiled.

(Gimme 20 mins. Walking home.)

(Hurry up!)

He broke into a run. It really was his stamina.

He reached home and ran up the stairs, taking two steps at a time, waving off his mother's questions on breakfast. Bursting into his room, he plopped down onto his chair and logged into Skype. He smiled whens she immediately called him.

"Hey Rach," he said once she was clear in his line of vision. She smiled and stood up.

"Look!" Rachel was wearing a white sundress that stopped modestly at the knees. She twirled around in her dress and he laughed at her childish excitement. "It's my costume! How do I look?"

"You look great Rachel."

"Oh wait! This isn't all. Look!" She reached towards somewhere on her right and suddenly there was a blonde wig in her hand. He frowned as she struggled to put it on and turned to him, smiling.

"The make up people do it better. How do I look?"

"You look different." Her smile turned down.

"You don't like it."

"No, baby it's not that. It's just- what's wrong with your real hair?"

"David says he wants Sophie to be blonde. He almost chose Ashley over me because of it, but I insisted that I could make do with this wig. It itches like you wouldn't believe," she said dejectedly, scrunching up her nose in distaste. She looked up at him sadly. "I look ridiculous, don't I?"

"No of course not. You look fine."

"No I don't. I look horrible. This nose was not made for blonde hair. My features are too prominent. Blondes need to be waife-like and pretty. Like Ashley. Or Quinn."

"Baby you look gorgeous in anything. You're totally a hot blonde."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I just love your hair. It sucks that you have to hide them."

"Well it's that or dying it blonde. Alan offered to help me, but I don't think I'd want something that long-lasting."

"Good. You're going to look different and then I'm going to miss you even more." She smiled at him, her face cheering up considerably.

"You're sweet Finn. You always know the right thing to say." He figured only Rachel would think something like that. His ability to screw things up with mere words were uncanny and pretty much legendary among their friends. But who was he to argue with her? Finn smiled.

"It's not hard when you're so smokin' hot."

"I'm glad you think so."

"I definitely do." He heard someone call her name and she looked up above him.

"They're calling me, Finn. I need to go. Would you watch me rehearse?" His stomach was growling. The smell of bacon was calling his name.

"Sure babe." She squealed happily and called Alan. _Great._ Alan.

"I don't think you've officially met. This is my good friend Alan." He didn't like the way _Alan_ had his arm around her shoulders. Alan was a scrawny dude. Finn could take him. He totally could.

"Hello there," the boy said with a slight nod, smiling at him. He returned it somewhat reluctantly.

"Hey," he said coolly. Rachel turned towards the scrawny boy.

"Alan could you take care of my lap top? I want Finn to watch the rehearsal." Alan took her hand and kissed it. The douchebag.

"Anything for the star."

"Thanks Al." Oh. So it was _Al_ now. He frowned. He did not like the way she was smiling at _Al_. He didn't like it at all. _Al _picked up her lap top and followed Rachel, who kept looking back to talk to him excitedly, her odd blonde hair moving statically around her head. He didn't know what she was saying, well aware of the fact that _Al_ was holding her lap top and _Al_ was there with her while he was hundreds of miles away, looking at her through a stupid screen. Al took a seat at a few rows back from the stage as Rachel walked up slowly.

"She's marvelous," Al whispered in awe. Rachel was standing on stage doing nothing.

"I know," he answered shortly.

"I have never known someone with her voice. Not in real life." The boy had turned the lap top to face him and Finn found himself looking into the dude's starstruck face.

"I'm supposed to be looking at the stage."

"Oh I know. It's impossible to look away once she starts. It's really nice to finally talk to you Finn. The way Rachel goes on about you, I expected to find a teenage greek god of hearthrob status." Al was raised eyebrow. "I have to say, you are definitely not a letdown."

Okay so _Al_ needed to back the hell up. Finn felt his neck burning as he turned red.

"Uh. Thanks man. I think."

"You're a very good-looking man Finn. Have you ever thought of modeling? I can see you on the bilboards of Time Square, rocking a pair of Calvin Klein briefs." The glint in Al's eyes were eerily familiar.

"Uh no man. That's not really my thing. I just sing and play football."

"Shame. Rachel told me you wouldn't go for it. I could change your know it's really too bad that you're taken. I could probably teach you a thing or two about my hedonistic ways. But Rachel is a sweetheart, of course. You two seem perfect together." Finn smiled, a little uncomfortably. What was hedonistic?

"We are." Alan was sighing dramatically and he didn't really know why Kurt's face seemed to flash into his brain.

"It must be nice to be in such a stable relationship." The boy sighed dramatically. Again. "I long for the day mine will run as smoothly as yours. Oh look they've started. Here you go." Al had turned her lap top away from him and towards the stage. Finn could see Rachel standing next to a boy who was wearing what looked like a tux. He wondered if it was rude to just ignore what the scrawny boy just said. The Rachel in his head told him that it was.

"Problems with your girlfriend?" He heard Al snort in amusement.

"I'm the girl in this relationship. Apparently he thinks I'm too emotional because I happen to be in posession of something called _feelings_. But enough about this, look at Rachel. She looks absolutely stunning."

Relief hit him like a ton of bricks. _Oh_. Now he got it. Alan was gay. Her friend Alan, who was a boy, was gay and therefore would be in no way a threat to him hundreds of miles away. Finn felt himself warming up to him considerably. It was nice for Alan to be holding up her lap top so that he could watch her perform."This is the wedding scene. She was amazing in this scene last night. A true actress."

"Wedding scene?" Finn asked in confusion.

"You've never watched Mamma Mia?"

"Musicals aren't really my thing," he answered wryly because for someone who didn't even like musicals, he sure as hell knew a lot about some of them.

"Ah yes. Let me set the scene up or you, if I may. Rachel, as Sophie is about to be married to that guy over there. He's Sky. In reality, she's not ready, and neither is he. This is the scene where they decided to call the whole thing off and just run away together." What kind of a douchebag of a character was called Sky anyway?

"She's getting married? That's a wedding dress?"

"Yes. Quite pathetic, isn't it? It's the best we could come up with, being the only white dress lying around."

He was pretty sure Alan was still talking but he couldn't hear a word over the large alarm bells going off in his head. He was seeing red. Finn swore somewhere in his body, a vein was popping.

She was _kissing_ him.

Rachel was kissing the dude in the lame ass tux.

"Who the fuck is that guy?" He didn't realize he sounded angry.

"Oh that's Derek. He's playing her fiance, Sky. Quite the ladies man, that boy. He's tried to hit on Rachel a few times, but her heart is stubbornly set. I can see why though. He's got nothing on you." That was nice to hear and all. But it didn't change the fact that Rachel, _his_ Rachel, was off in New York kissing some pansy-assed pretentious little twit on stage while his lips have been drying up from unuse.

"He looks like a douchebag."

"He is," Al answered matter-of-factly. "But don't worry dear. He's harmless. She's entirely oblivious to whatever charm he has." He sure as hell hoped so. Finn watched as a man who looked like he was a manlier version of Sandy Ryerson, walked on the stage and started yelling. He couldn't really hear what he was saying, but he saw the determined frown on her face and knew it probably wasn't good. One minute later, she was locking lips with the boy on stage again, this time more forcefully as she threw her arms around his neck. She was nuts if she thought he was staying around to look at this.

"Al man I gotta go. My mom's calling me. Tell Rach to call me later." He said the words as shortly as he can, wanting to free his eyes of the torture as soon as possible.

He could already feel a vein throbbing on his forehead. Without waiting for a response from Alan, Finn logged off. Picking up his football on the bed and threw it forcefully at the door, reveling in the loud thump it made against the wood, wishing it was_ Derek's _head. It figured that just when one problem was figured out, a bigger one comes along. With even poofier hair than before.

He trudged down the stairs darkly and scarfed down whatever food his mother left him on the table. He couldn't taste a thing. When he was done, Finn trudged back up the stairs and into his room, sitting down on his desk chair in a huff. How long was rehearsals anyway? And how long has Rachel been macking lips with the second coming of Jesse St. Fucking James? Finn pulled the shoebox towards him in desolation. Letter seventy eight. He got letters and Derek got kisses.

_Whoopdee-fucking-do_.

**Dear mom. You wouldn't believe what just happened to me. I had made my way to the mall to find inspiration for this week's assignment. My rendition of Gives You Hell did not impress Mr Schue, it seems. He was never one for supporting my artistic expressions. I only hope the intended effect did not escape THAT boy. Anyway, Jesse St. James came up to me mom! Who is he, you might be wondering? Well, he is only the best male vocalist in all of Ohio! He is from Vocal Adrenaline, our arch rival for Regionals. We had a duet together. It was very impromptu. Our voices blended together perfectly! He seems to find me very interesting, unlike other boys I know. Maybe I've been wasting my time with the boys from William McKinley. Undoubtedly, his talents far surpasses that of any other person I have been acquainted with. He asked me out on a date. I've never actually been on a real date before. You know, one where I didn't have to invite myself or wasn't attached to any sinister ulterior motives. HE seems to be moving on just swimmingly without me. I feel it's time that I do the same. Wish me luck! Rachel Barbara Berry. **

Finn groaned and threw the paper on his desk in course she'd make him read all about the one person in the world he hates with a fucking passion. _Awesome_.


	9. The rise and fall of Jesse St James

_**Dear mom. For our first date, Jesse St. James took me to the homeless shelter where I watched him perform superbly for all the people there. He told me that even the homeless deserves the right to appreciate true talent. They didn't look very appreciative to me, but I guess it would be hard to be so when you have no roof over your head. Regardless, Jesse is amazing. He really loves to give back. Over dinner, he talks of the many charities and organizations that he has contributed to, mainly with his God-given talent of song. He performs one-man show musicals for the blind at the YMCA! I feel that our similarities are astounding, almost as if we are meant to be. I don't know why I kept thinking about pink bowling balls and pizzas, but those thoughts have been pushed far away in the back of my head. Jesse brought me to a vegetarian-only restaurant. Finally, I have found a person who shares my desire for a healthy lifestyle. Finn never seemed to be all that interested. But then again, I have never been important enough to him. Jesse is already a full vegan, and although the taste of the food at the place left much to be desired, I think I might be able to get used to it. Get ready for a new Rachel Berry mom. Bigger and better, and one who shines even more than before. With Jesse by my side, I can only get better. He says so. Rachel Barbra Berry.**_

The phone rang for the fourth time since he started reading. Finn ignored it determinedly and reached into the shoebox for another letter. He heard a text being sent and couldn't stop himself from reading it.

(Finn is everything alright? I tried calling you but there was no answer. Please tell me if something's wrong.)

Let her squirm. He's done enough squirming to last him a lifetime.

_**Dear mom. Finn says he wants me back. I don't know what to do. I truly care for Jesse, and he's really something. His talent and good looks are enough to make any girl swoon. But Finn. Well, he's Finn mom. I feel like he had a hold of one piece of my heart, and he never really gave it back. And now he wants more. I think he might hurt me again. I know he will. Because I care too much for him. How could he change his mind so quickly? It's been only days since he broke my heart so irrevocably, and now he wants me back? He told me he doesn't feel so lonely when I'm with him, which is all fine and well, but I want someone who truly wants me, who couldn't survive without me. Not someone who just feels less alone with me. I want someone who loves me. And Jesse might not yet turn out to be that person. But he would sooner be that person than Finn. I can't do it again. I can't go back to that boy no matter how much I want to. Jesse St. James might not make my heart flutter and my nerves come alive at his touch, but he's honest. And his feelings for me are real, not clouded by some tragic circumstance or any preconceived notions. I choose Jesse. Rachel Barbra Berry. **_

Yeah. Jesse was honest. About as honest as a ten-foot, forked-tongue, slithering _snake_.

_**Dear mom. Glee found out about Jesse. One guess how that happened. I can't believe he would do that to me. They tried to make me choose. They tried to make me doubt my decision. As if something like the potential love of my life was going to make me betray glee. Why couldn't they see that the club means everything to me? It's going to help me be a star. I would never, ever do anything to hurt glee. I almost believed them when they told me Jessse would bring us down. But then surprisingly, it was Sue Sylvester who made me see the light. They can't stop me from living my life. And Jesse has assured me of his pure intentions to court me. Of course now this relationship is a secret. It's almost exciting, having this boyfriend to have a clandestine affair with. It's very old hollywood. Finn says he doesn't give up easy. He puts my calender up in his locker. He calls them crazy, but when he does things like this, it makes my heart waver. But only for a second. Just like his feelings for me always last for only a second. Rachel Barbra Berry.**_

Steve Perry was crooning for the twentieth time in the hour. He hadn't kept count. He _hadn't_. It was just that after the nineteenth time, she didn't call again for a good ten minutes. Not that he noticed. She left a bunch of messages too. Finn sighed and reached for the phone on his left.

"Hello."

"I don't know what you did Loverboy, but you better fix it quick." The tone was low and worried, spoken quickly. Finn sighed, running his hand over his head.

"Hi Al."

"What in the name of all that is holy just happened? I thought I was just complimenting the both of you on the stability of your relationship and suddenly I find Rachel throwing her phone against the wall, screaming bloody murder. She missed my head by inches._ Inches_. I do not look good with a bumped head Finn. That girl has quite an arm."

"She had a lot of practice with a baseball bat," Finn answered sourly, remembering the night of their anniversary and Rachel's determined expression as she hit a ball.

"What?" Alan asked in confusion. Finn sighed again.

"Nothing. Where is she now?"

"She's on stage. Rehearsing."

"With _Derek_?"

"I told her you might be a bit jealous about that."

"I'm not jealous."

"Of course not. Now she's worried sick about you. David the director has been yelling at her for missing her cues for the past fifteen minutes, the poor girl." Great. Now he felt bad.

"I was busy. Tell her to call me when she gets a break."

"Will do. And Finn? Whatever it is, please fix it. An unhappy Rachel is a terror to put a wig on."

"I'll try. Thanks Al."

"You're welcome." He hung up the phone to find ten messages waiting for him.

(Finn are you alright? Please call.)

(Finn? I'm very worried. Is your mother okay?)

(Al told me about rehearsals. Are you upset because of Derek?)

(I admit I was a litle brash in bombarding you with that scene. But it's acting Finn.)

(If it makes you feel better, I imagine he's you every single time.)

(Finn Hudson you're being ridiculous. How do you expect me to be an actress and not have to kiss someone?)

(I'm calling you one last time Finn. If you don't pick up I'm never speaking to you again.)

(I cannot believe you didn't take my last call, you insufferable, antagonistic, deplorable and egotistical jerk! I know you're fine. I called Carole. You're not even with her, you pathetic liar. Kurt says you're in your room. If you want to stay angry at me for such a frivolous reason, you are perfectly welcomed to do so. You promised me we'd spend the day together. I haven't seen you in almost a month and if you're willing to let this opportunity slide just because of your jealousy and alpha male ego, it's entirely your loss. I'm fine. I hate you. Don't bother calling.)

He let out a yell of frustration, his anger catching his voice between a snarl and a growl. He was being stupid. He knew that. But how could she honestly think that Jesse had ever cared for her more than him? How could she write those things so surely, as if those months and months of his longing for her just never happened? How could she completely disregard everything he felt for her just because of one, stupid mistake that they _both_ made? Yes, he had been stupid to let her go. But he wasn't ready and she made it out like it was just as simple as him not caring for her or her feelings. She was supposed to know him better than that. Finn ran a hand through his hair angrily, almost tearing some of them out. So much for growing up. Angrily, he tore out another letter.

_**Dear mom. Have you ever been pressured into having sex? Of course you have. You're a woman. I suppose this is a natural passage to adulthood, having a boyfriend who wants to have sex with you. This issue came up twice since we began dating. The second time, he had stormed out of my residence angrily, telling me to call him once I stop being such a tease. I truly never meant to tease him. I thought I was doing the same things I did with Noah. Mercedes thinks I'm lucky that there's some boy out there wanting me enough to pressure me. I could see her point. People like me don't get chances like this, to have some boy think so highly of me. Tina seem to understand my problem. Apparently Artie has been subjecting her to some sexist comments. Santana and Brittany tells me that I should just go ahead and do it. **_

_**But Quinn is like a walking advertisement about the dangers of premarital sex. It's not like I don't want to have sex. I just don't want to embark on this journey with the wrong person. What if Jesse wasn't the one? What if I end up like Quinn, a pregnant teenager, stuck with the boy she can't stand because he made her that way? I just don't think I'm ready for such a big step. The consequences it might bring are too dire. Rachel Barbra Berry.**_

He didn't even realize he was clenching the paper in his hand until it tore a little bit down the middle. Jesse was a soulless, heartless bastard who had used her in the worst possible way and then humiliated her in front of everyone who could see. If the last thing he did before he die was to rearrange the asshole's face with his fist, he could die happy. The room was silent. Rachel hadn't been calling or texting at all. Finn still hadn't realized that it's been almost a half hour. He picked up another letter. He didn't know where he got the ability to read so quickly, but it was definitely coming out in full force.

_**Dear mom. I lied to Finn. This is the second lie I've told him. I feel terrible. But it's for the good of us both. Santana told him about me and Jesse still being together. I can't be sure how he really took it because I distracted him with the mash up of Madonna's Borderline and Open Your Heart. He told me in no uncertain terms that if Jesse really was using me, he wasn't going to stick around. I guess it was only fair. But it had hurt all the same. **_

_**We sang mom. We haven't sang together in such a long time, I forgot how magical it could be. I don't understand myself. Jesse is an amazing singer. His voice matches mine flawlessly, like two voices coming out of the same person. But with Finn, it just feels like it's meant to be. He's not an accomplished singer by any means, but it always feels like I'm always meant to be doing this with him, to sing together always. We just sound right. I think I knew that from the first moment we sang together, when I made myself the fool that always seem to be the way he sees me when he doesn't really see me. **_

_**I knew instantly why I wasn't ready. Jesse doesn't feel right. When we hold hands, his doesn't seem to wrap itself around mine as completely as I wish it could. He's always just a few inches shorter. His touch doesn't make me feel as warm as it should, doesn't make me feel safe. He holds me too tightly and it hurts me and I feel unreasonably terrified. Jesse feels perfect, but he doesn't feel right. I felt horrible to realize this. Especially because he had patiently returned to apologize for his storm out and to tell me I deserved epic romance. He truly is a sweetheart, choosing our secret lover's meeting to be in the library at the Sondheim section. He's a true romantic. And he's what I should want, not an overgrown jock who can barely convey what he truly feels for me. **_

_**So I decided I could do it. I could have sex with Jesse and then things will be different. He would have a part of me the other boy never had, something bigger and more important. And then my feelings for him would grow, and my feelings for Finn would dissipate. It was a perfectly sensible thought. And I had heard that Finn was going to give his virginity up to Santana anyway. Brittany had told this to Mercedes during glee. I may or may not have been eavesdropping. So maybe virginity is just something truly overrated.**_

_**I wish it was that simple, but it never is when you have my sense of theatricality. I had locked myself in the bathroom the night Jesse and I were supposed to finally consumate our relationship because I was terrified. I was looking at myself in the mirror and it occured to me that the next time I see myself, I wouldn't be the same person. And I don't think I'm ready for that mom. I told him it was because of glee. I didn't want him to feel bad. I guess I lied to Jesse too. I had related my plans to the girls of glee. I think Santana must have told Finn because he came into the choir room the next day and asked me how things went. **_

_**I don't know why I did it. I guess I wanted to prove to him that I've truly moved on. The words came out of my mouth involuntarily. He told me once it's called word vomit. It sounds repulsive, but it's actually quite accurate. For a split second, his face had crumbled and I regretted every word that came out of my mouth because they were lies. And my lie had hurt him. It wasn't until I was asking him about his date with Santana that I realized that it was my intention. He hadn't gone through with it. I wish so badly I could take my words back and tell him the truth. But that's not important. I'm Jesse's girl now. Not Finn's. Jesse's. Jesse even joined New Directions to truly be with me, so that we won't have to be a secret any longer. He's proud to have me by his side, and I'm proud to be with him. Truly. Rachel Barbra Berry.**_

He heard a text coming in and lunged for his phone. Finn frowned at the unknown number.

(She's refusing to call you. I love the girl but if she doesn't stop criticising every single thing the lighting department is doing, some of the other guys might just strangle her with a wire cord.)

It was only then that Finn realized that it was almost three and that it had been an hour since he had talked with Alan. Evidently, she was still highly pissed at him. Sighing, he pressed dial. He was welcome by Alan's voice whispering furiously.

"I stole your number from her phone when she wasn't looking. She threw a complete diva fit. Thank God rehearsals had been canceled because David's dog choked on a chicken bone. I told her to change out of her dress and come have lunch. She's coming now. Hey Rachel!" Before Finn could say a word in edgewise, he could already hear Alan walking to where he assumed Rachel was, complimenting her on her outfit for the day. Vaguely he heard her say thank you.

"Let me talk to her."

"A friend of mine would like to speak to you." Finn heard her ask who it was. "Just say hi." He heard Alan pressing her to pick up the phone until she muttered a withering _fine_.

"Hello?" Her tone was cautious.

"Rach-" He was greeted by the dial tone. He sighed wearily, staring at his phone. Of course she would hang up. Furiously, he began typing on the keypad.

(You're gonna have to talk to me sooner or later.)

He waits patiently. Five minutes later, he began typing again.

(You know you want to. You're just dying to unleash all that anger on me. Come on baby. Talk to me.)

Ten minutes.

(I was upset over something. It was stupid. Talk to me Rach, please.)

Another ten minutes. He was starting to feel antsy. Add that to the multitude of negativity surrounding him.

(Rachel don't take this out on your friends. Talk to me. Or yell at me. Just call me please. Or at least let me call you.)

He waits again, holding his breath, staring intently at the phone in his hand to will a reply. Finn sighed in relief when her name popped on the screen.

(I'm sorry. I've been busy heavily making out with my co-star for the play. You know how I am.)

His phone rang before he had the chance to react appropriately. He picked it up and she immediately spoke before he could say anything.

"Alan is my friend. I would appreciate it if you don't try to turn him against me behind my back." Finn felt his resentment welling back up.

"Hey. He was the one who called me. You're the one throwing a hissy fit and annoying people." She gasped angrily.

"Oh of _course_. _I'm_ the drama queen. I'm also apparently the girl who lusts after a new boy at the drop of a hat. The concept of loyalty is utterly foreign to _me_." Her words dripped with bitter sarcasm, her voice growing shriller by the second. Finn bit his tongue to keep from screaming.

"I'm trying to apologize." She continued speaking as if she never heard him.

"It's called acting Finn. It was a scene and I had to act it out. Do you think I like kissing that terribly cliched boy whose vocabulary is made up of nothing but sexist one-liners and pick-me-ups worthy of the cheesecake factory?"

"Rach-" He could feel his impatience growing. It was hard to apologize when he was still irrationally angry and for God's sake, couldn't she just let him speak for _once_?

"Don't you _Rach_ me Finn Hudson! I can't believe you would be willing to ruin such a perfect day over something so _stupid_! You _promised_ me a great day and-"

"Rach-"

"You _ruined_ it before I could even blink! How could you be angry at me for something out of my control? How are you going to handle my rise to Broadway if you can't even accept a tame scene such as this? My road to stardom is going to be filled with roles like this Finn, and if you can't-"

"_Rachel_!" He finally bellowed as loud as he could. He could tell she was taken aback by the sudden silence that filled his ears. He continued quickly, his words quick and furious."This is not about the kiss! I mean yeah you kissing that douchebag pisses me off but I get it, okay?" He was breathing hard, trying to keep his anger in check. She was still silent.

"Then pray tell Finn Hudson, what could it _possibly_ be about?" she finally asked, her voice irritatingly sarcastic.

"This is about you running off to some other guy the second I made a mistake, and getting your heart trampled on by a total _dick _just to prove a stupid point!"

"What are you _talking_ about?" she asked, confused.

"Nothing," he answered wearily, squeezing his forehead between is thumb and forefinger. "I'm not talking about anything. I'm just trying to apologize."

"Oh that's great," she answered sarcastically. "Go ahead Finn. Apologize to me and then hang up and stew for the rest of the day over whatever it is you still obviously blame me for." She stopped talking suddenly for a few seconds. He sighed.

"Are you talking about _Jesse_?" she asked incredulously in realization. He frowned sourly as the name came out of her mouth. "Finn that was over a _year_ ago."

"Whatever," he answered tiredly.

"You're still obviously upset over it. For the record, I wasn't the one who ran off with two of the biggest sluts in school the night_ you_ dumped _me_." He could see her clearly, her eyes probably glinting in angry slits from the controlled fury of her voice.

"I screwed up! I realized it just hours after I made that mistake. You didn't even bother hearing me out! You just went ahead and moved on with Jesse without giving me even a chance to explain!"

"Explain what, Finn? Explain how much you wanted to be with me but you just can't? Explain how whatever it is you're feeling at the moment is going to constantly determine where I stood then?"

"You love me Rachel," he said angrily, ignoring her exasperated tone.

"Not so much presently."

"You love me then and you love me now. You've never stopped loving me. I know. I have the words to prove them." He heard her sigh in resignation.

"Where is this going Finn?"

"Where it's going is that you knew exactly how you felt about me, how you _can't_ feel about Jesse. But you went ahead and chose him anyway. And you let yourself fall for him and you made us go through months of being _miserable_. And for what Rachel? Just to prove that you could get over me? You _can't_ get over me. Because we love each other, even then. And what we had was _real_. And you went and let it go." She burst out laughing angrily.

"_I_ let it go? Really Finn? Because from where I stand, it seemed that you were always the one letting us go! You expected me to just hold on to whatever pathetic sliver of hope you sent my way and hope for the best?"

"You bombarded me Rachel! I wasn't ready. You knew that!"

"I didn't!"

"Yes you did! You _know_ me, remember? You knew _exactly_ how I was feeling. You can't put everything that happened on me, Rachel. We _both _screwed up."

He didn't know where he was going, knowing he was probably on the verge of making a huge mistake. But this was how he felt, and he didn't have time to think things through. And she always had a knack of making him say things he wanted to bottle up. Sometimes that was a good thing. But maybe not then. They were both breathing harshly by then, both trying to calm down. He wondered where she was. Was Alan next to her?

"Jesse made me feel wanted. No you listen this time." she said quickly, when he began to argue. Finn said nothing, but squirmed impatiently on his bed. He had listened enough. Five letters worth of listening. "Yes Finn I love you. I've loved you from the very beginning. But your feelings for me were never clear. Yes, I knew you had feelings for me. But it wasn't _enough_. I was so tired of waiting for you. I was always _waiting_ for you. Waiting for you to make a move. To break up with Quinn. To have that baby. To be happy with the truth. To be happy with me. But you never came Finn."

He knew she was crying, could hear her voice straining with the effort to hide her sniffles. "And then you kissed me. And like the pathetic fool that I was, I jumped at the chance because I thought maybe if you could just _see_ how good I could be for you, you'd know you love me too. But you couldn't. And I ended up with a broken heart again. I knew you, and maybe I was aware of the fact that you weren't ready. But it didn't hurt any less. I just- I wanted someone who couldn't hurt me the way you could. I wanted to protect my heart."

"That turned out really well for you, didn't it?"

He didn't know why he said it, realizing his mistake the second the words fell out of his mouth. It was like he wasn't even listening to what she had been saying. But he had. And he understood. And that _wasn't_ what he wanted to say! He heard her sharp intake of breath and his brain went into overload, trying to find the part in his stupid head for damage control.

"I didn't mean that," he said quickly, his voice filled with panic. She was still silent, eerily so. "_Rachel_. Rachel I didn't mean that, I swear. I don't know why I said it."

"Do me a favor Finn," she spoke up quietly, her voice hoarse. "Call me when you stop being such an asshole." She hung up the phone immediately after, and he was left listening to dial tone for the second time that day. Having the fight drained completely out of him, Finn was in a daze. What had just happened? What did he just do? And how the hell was he going to fix things? Time. He needed to give her time. He knew enough to know that. Finn ran a hand over his face, trying to clear his mind. What was he going to say? What was he supposed to do now? He looked over to the shoebox, by now overflowing with letters and opened envelopes. He needed to see this through until the end. Letter eighty four it was.

_**Dear mom. There's something going on with Finn. I don't know what it is. We've been growing distant ever since Jesse's arrival at William McKinley. He doesn't look well at all. Something's bothering him. I wish he would tell me. I wish I could ask him. I can't. Things have changed. Jesse and I are stll going strong, I'm sure you'd like to know. We are so perfectly similar. He likes to talk about himself, as do I. Sometimes we talk over each other, but that must be a sign of how comfortable we have become together, right? Sometimes I catch him looking at us in the hallways or during practice. I want to call him over or smile at him encouragingly, but I don't think my boyfriend would appreciate that. Rachel Barbra Berry.**_

He blew through the letter on her self-proclaimed Run Joey Run Debacle, trying his best not to be jealous at the fact that she seemed to be more worried about what was going to happen between her and Jesse than how much she had hurt him. In between her letters, Finn called her incessantly. She never picked up, but that was okay. She was bound to. He even called Alan twice, and he didn't pick up too. It was either she told him how big of a douchebag Finn was, or she threatened him with his life. Either way, Finn lost all contact with Rachel. He read eighty six twice.

_**Dear mom. Jesse was gone the whole week. He still isn't home. We still haven't spoken since Friday before last, when he left me standing by my locker angrily. I received horrible news on Tuesday. I couldn't sing. I was about to sing my solo for glee when I realized it. I had a throat infection. I thought it was forever. I thought my life was over. But Finn made me realize there was more to me than just my voice. **_

_**I made a new friend. His name is Sean and he's the most courageous individual I have ever had the fortune to meet. Finn introduced us. It all began when Finn was kind enough to take me to the hospital even after the horrible way I had used him. Jesse's absence seem to be mending our fragile relationship. I can't say I'm not relief. Finn is very important to me. He's my bestfriend. And now he found me another one. **_

_**I have always been prone towards the dramatic, as you know all too well. Losing my voice was like the pinnacle of misery in my life and I had gone through the subsequent days in a haze of depression and denial. Until Finn caught me one day and told me to cut it out. I thought he couldn't possibly understand my tragic circumstances. What good was a singer who couldn't sing? He said he wanted me to meet someone. I was hardly in the mood for a social visit. But I'm glad that he made me go. I think it changed my life. **_

_**Sean Frethold is paralyzed mom. He can't move anything but his head after an accident during a football game. Finn met him at camp and even told me during the ride back home, that he had been amazing and the best player Finn ever knew in real life. It was very uncomfortable in the beginning. I was furious with Finn for putting me in such an awkward position. And then Sean began talking, and he told me that he figured out his life didn't just have to end with his football career. That there was more to him than just what he was best at. **_

_**We didn't stay long and the car ride home was quiet because I had been too absorbed in my thoughts and Finn never was one for words. My sickness didn't last all that long. Two days later, after refusing to speak to anyone and constantly experimenting with my herbal stock, I woke up without the tickle in my throat and broke out into song as usual. Sean is a good singer mom. He told us he could sing, so I visited him again the day I recovered to thank him. So now I'm giving him voice lessons. He's improving already. He's a very quick learner. **_

_**There's still something I left out. And I didn't plan on writing it down because just the thought of it makes my heart pound insanely against my chest. But I don't think I can hold it in any longer. Finn confessed his feelings to me. Not in so many words, but I now know for certain that he does hold real regards for me. He likes to make my heart waver. Just when I thought Jesse was finally the only boy in my heart, he pushes his way back in there. He sang to me mom. During glee. He sang right at me and everybody knew it because he sang Jesse's Girl. He never did have much tact. I'm so confused right now. What do I do? Rachel Barbra Berry.**_

He was glad to know that she felt something. They never talked about what he had dubbed in his mind the 'St. Jackass Period'. They didn't talk about any of it, even that small part in the middle of it all, where they went back to being Finn and Rachel again for at least a little while. He had always wondered, but never asked because he knew Jesse would be mentioned in that conversation and Finn tries his best to erase that name out of his vocabulary. All that avoiding had been for nothing now that he apparently had a direct line to her head.

He should have known that Rachel Berry never leaves any loose ends. In hindsight, maybe they should have talked about it. It probably won't come as that much of a shock now if they had. She was still refusing to answer his calls. Finn kept reading as he waited for the moment when she finally forgave him just enough to pick up the phone. It was already six and he could hear his mom calling his name for dinner. He hadn't left the room once, not even to go to the toilet. Kurt had knocked on his door during letter eighty five but he Finn had told his step-brother to leave him alone. He could hear the small boy nagging him annoyingly about being a pathetic lovestruck boy. Finn left the room and returned in ten minutes, practically swallowing his casserole whole. His family had watched him with awestruck expressions, five minutes being a new record time for him.

He called her again for what was probably the fiftieth time. Still no answer. He wondered whether she was at home. Alan had said their rehearsals had been cut short. So where was she? He sent a quick text to her friend, asking him how Rachel was doing. He replied five minutes later, saying that he had just dropped her off at home after spending the day watching three different movies back to back at the theatre nearby. Alan said Rachel was fine. Just unnaturally quiet. Finn was grateful that the temporary Rachel drought had finally ended and thanked Al profusely. That boy was a good friend. He called again and she didn't answer. He picked up another letter.

_**Dear mom. I heard your voice today. You sound incredible. You have the best voice I have ever heard. I'm glad Jesse made me do this. I wouldn't have known what an amazing singer you are if he hadn't come back for me and told me to follow my dream of truly knowing you. He helped me find your cassette. Well it was in the storage room apparently, but if he hadn't pushed me I wouldn't have found it. I think he might always have a place in my heart for that alone. I wonder why dad and daddy never told me about it. Maybe they were afraid. I'm not holding this against them, don't worry. They don't even know that I know. I don't want them to feel guilty for not telling me. And I don't want them to know I'm looking for you. I'm going to look for you mom, if only for the chance to sing with you, just once. We would be so amazing together. Rachel Barbra Berry.**_

Finn was wearing a deep frown at the end of the letter. Jesse helped her? Jesse was the missing link between Rachel and Shelby? He didn't know that. She never told him that. Probably because it involved Jesse. Maybe she had wanted to tell him all these things but couldn't because of his allergic reaction to that stupid name. Finn felt bad at the thought of his girlfriend having to keep these things from him because of it. Why was he still letting that jerk come between them when he has been gone from their lives a long time ago? Jesse St. James wasn't even around and he still managed to ruin Finn Hudson's life. Because Finn Hudson was a fucking idiot. He dialed her number again, not phased in the slightest when she once again refused to answer. He picked up letter number eighty eight.

_**It was all a game. Every single thing he did and every single word he said was just to lure me into that moment today, when he brought all his friends over to our auditorium to show us why they were winners. It was all just carefully constructed to destroy me in the worst possible way. Jesse St. James is ruthless. Why did I ever think that this boy could genuinely like me for me? Everything is so clear now. I never bothered questioning his seemingly relentless pursuit for my heart after knowing me for only two weeks. I had been too arrogant, thinking there was anyone who could want me so thoroughly. He is very effecient, that much cannot be denied. He left making sure every part of my heart is bruised. Finn's words keep playing in my head like a broken record. Don't expect anymore friendship from me. That was what he said in verbatim. It's all I can think about.**_

That was it. The downfall of Jesse St. James. Finn breathed a sigh of relief, thanking God that it took only eleven letters for the St. Jackass Period to be over. On a whole, it barely covered one-tenth of her whole life with these letters. He was sure he had been in more. Of course he has. Finn was on his one hundredth call. He kept count. The fact that she still hadn't picked up any of his attempts went without saying.

He had really done it this time. He screwed himself over good. All because he couldn't keep his jealousy away from Jesse St. Fucking James. That _dickhead_. He was coming to the realization of how entirely unfair it was of him to be mad at her for something that happened over a year ago. What was he so mad for anyway? Because she had hurt him? Because she chose someone else? He had done that countless of times. With Quinn of all people ( And even Santana, in a way. That one was _big _no-no in conversations. No way.). They both really knew how to pick them. She chose a heartless bastard and he picked a lying bitch. They really weren't safe with anybody else but each other. He finally decided it would be better to bombard her with texts instead and quickly typed his first short one.

(I'm sorry.)

He waited five minutes.

(I'm the screw-up, remember?)

It was almost eight. They haven't spoken for hours. They've never gone this long without speaking in the whole time she had been gone. Rachel was always superior in the cold war department. Finn typed another text.

(I'm deplorable and contemptible and I don't deserve my pathetic existence.)

And another.

(I don't deserve you either. But no chance in hell am I letting you go. And I'm not ever letting you let me go either, for the record.)

(You're stuck with me for life Rachel Barbra Berry. So you might as well just pick up the phone and get this over with because I'm going to be spending my whole life pissing you off and apologising for it. And I give great apologies :). I had a lot of practice.)

By eight thirty, Finn sighed and typed one last text.

(I love you Rachel. The ball's in your court.)

He put his phone down at the edge of the desk and slumped on his chair. It was hard to believe it had been only a day. He was _exhausted_. It had been a nightmare of a roller coaster. He couldn't understand how he had managed to ruin a perfectly good day so utterly and completely. And there was work the next day. He groaned. Great. Another wasted day at Sheets 'N' Things shooting crap with Puck and being bitched around by Sandy Ryerson. This was the life. He took out one more letter. This was it. The last one for the night. If she doesn't acknowledge his existence once this one was over, he was going to resort to her parents. The thought of her dad knowing he had hurt her made Finn feel slightly faint.

_**Dear mom. To add another point to the list of things thrown at Rachel Berry, I was pelted with eggs this week. By Vocal Adrenaline. The stench was awful. Jesse was the main culprit. I'm sure of it. He had called me out to the school's parking lot, and I had mistakenly believed he wanted to apologize. Through all he had done, I had still wanted to believe he possessed the organ that was the heart. He had proven me wrong entirely. Vocal Adrenaline had taunted me mercilessly before they began their assault. Years of training with slushies made me strong enough to bear it without a flinch. **_

_**For a vegetarian, he really has no respect for unborn life. And the little trollop by his side was mistaken. I am not a vegan. Not entirely. To explain this would take me away from my true purpose however, so I end this misunderstanding with that statement. He threw the last egg. Or rather, he had crushed it against my forehead. But not before telling me he had loved me. I don't think he knows what love even means. A person with no soul couldn't possibly understand the term. I used to think it was impossible for anyone with an ounce of music in his body to be heartless. Until I met Jesse St. James. Now I know better. **_

_**The glee club had been furious at my expense. It had been gratifying to realize that we had never come together so strongly before this unfortunate incident. I didn't really expect any of them to care this much. Except for Finn, of course. We hadn't spoken since Vocal Adrenaline had broken into our auditorium, but I heard of what he and Noah had done. I'm glad to know he went back on his word. Finn cares for me and his heart is too good for such spite. Santana was the one who found me right after Vocal Adrenaline left me covered in yolk. I had never known she could be that nice. I think I almost like her now. **_

_**The rest of them had been absolutely seething with anger, even Kurt, surprisingly. Finn had led the boys in the attempt to let this feud we have turn physical, but Mr Schue stopped them in time. I can't say I wasn't dissappointed. I daydyream of Jesse being caged in a lion's den and torn to shreds. He may have tried to destroy my heart. But he wasn't successful. He never had it. I cared for Jesse deeply. But this boy is not Jesse. Jesse was never real. And he only made glee stronger together. As humiliating and degrading as this experience may have been, I believe that it merely bonded us closer together. They truly care for me, even though they may not be able to stand me. I finally feel that I truly belong in glee. Rachel Barbra Berry.**_

He heard a text coming in and lunged for his phone, knocking over the shoebox in the process. Swearing under his breath, Finn ignored the mess he made and looked intently at the screen.

(I hate you.)

He breathed a sigh of relief. The silent treatment was over. Finally. With a slight smile quirking on his lips, Finn pressed the dial button and waited, holding his breath.

"I was a complete asshole. You have every right to hate me. I don't even deserve the chance to explain myself. But I'm so glad you're answering the phone." He said the words quickly before she even had the chance to say hello. She said nothing. All he could hear were her sniffles and a strangled sob.

"I hate you Finn Hudson." Her voice was hoarse and broken as she hiccuped through her words.

"I know. I deserve it. If I could be there I'd totally let you beat the shit out of me."

"For goodness sake Finn, can't you for once refrain from using such repulsive language?" Finn smiled, knowing his Rachel was back.

"Sorry baby." They were quiet, and he could still hear her sniffling occasionally. "Rachel," he began gently. "I'm so sorry. I just- I spent all this time trying to forget Jesse ever happened, and suddenly I can't get away from him no matter where I go. I mean, I was a little thrown by that kiss today. I wasn't happy with that. I just needed a minute to deal. But then I had to read all about Jesse the Jackass and I just- It was too much, you know? And that's not an excuse, like at _all_. But it just- I went nuts. It's hard to read about you having feelings for another guy Rach. I've been spending all this time convincing myself that you never really cared for him and those letters just kept proving me wrong. It killed me. I'm a screw up, remember?" he finished weakly.

"That excuse becomes obsolete after a while," she answered shortly.

"I know." His heart was beating wildly against his chest as he waited for her to say something.

"Just so you know, what I felt for Jesse never came close to my feelings for you. Not by a long shot. And if you read my letters, you know that."

"I know."

"What you said really hurt Finn. To ridicule me and my feelings the way you did, it was worse than anything Jesse ever did because I love you. I never loved Jesse. He never had my heart. It was always yours." He said nothing, feeling ashamed of himself for never, ever thinking things through before acting on his feelings. He heard her sigh on the other end.

"It's been a long time coming, but I suppose an apology from my end is overdue too. You were right. I knew perfectly well of my feelings for you. And you made yours crystal clear. I subjected the both of us to that punishment anyway because I was a coward, because I was afraid to trust you. And I had put all the blame for what happened after Sectionals on you even though I was aware of how impatient and pushy I had been. Even though I knew in my heart you weren't ready. I ignored my own instinct because I was too selfish and I just couldn't wait any longer. And that ruined everything then. I've known this for a long time. I just hoped I never had to say it. In the end Jesse had used me anyway. But I could never truly hate him for that because I had used him too. And I think he knew that. You know I never truly gave my heart to Jesse. I couldn't. You had it the whole time."

How did she do that? How did she possess this ability to always know exactly the right things to say to just completely blow his mind away? Why couldn't that talent rub off on him too? All he had were simple words. They were the only things that could come out of his simple brain. Finn hoped it would always, _always_ be enough. Because losing her was so not an option.

"I love you Rachel."

"I love you too."

"Forever," he insisted quickly. "I don't just mean I love you now. Or until the end of high school. I mean forever. No matter what happens, or where we are, or who we become. I'm always going to love you. You have my heart too. Forever."

"Finn," she began softly, her tone full of awe. But that was all she got and she didn't go any further. He pushed on determinedly.

"I'm not good with words. Or even actions for that matter. And you deserve so much better than who I am now. But I swear to you Rach, if there is one thing in this world that I'm sure of, it's that I'm never going to stop loving you. And I'm going to be better for you. I promise." That was about the extent of what he had. There was nothing else he could say. All his feelings were on the table and laid bare. Rachel wasn't saying anything. Her silence unnerved him more than any of her diatribe of words could.

"For someone who claims to be no good with words, that was pretty much perfect," she finally remarked softly, her voice hoarse. He let out the breath he hadn't realize he was holding.

"What can I say? You're a bad influence."

"I love you too Finn. Forever." He smiled, feeling his face straining from relief and pure joy.

"Good. I was hoping you'd say that."


	10. Interlude

He fell asleep. Like, dead asleep. Staying up for more than thirty six hours can kind of do that to a person. After having made up, the both of them had spent almost three hours on the phone whispering sweet nothings to each other like the cheesy couple Finn had finally resigned to being one half of. When Rachel had finally put an end to things, having to wake up early the next day for more rehearsals, they were both feeling pretty satisfied with the turn of events, somehow feeling closer together than ever before, despite being miles apart. It wasn't until he hung up that Finn realized that he had actually been up for way more than a good twenty four hours.

At one in the morning, Finn Hudson was completely and utterly spent. But his brain just refused to shut up. He stared at the calender on his board, willing the last four empty boxes away and grinning at the fifth box, where she had tacked a gold star smack dab in the middle. It was already Tuesday. By Sunday morning, her feet were going to be firmly planted on Lima soil and she was finally going to be home. Just five more days. He frowned as he remembered his Call of Duty marathon that was still in limbo. Puck hadn't been too happy about that. He wondered if they could maybe continue before Rachel gets back. They weren't going to be out of each other's sights for at least a week. Two, max. His thoughts were a stream of random consciousness and by the time he was wondering why Kurt was always refusing his mom's offer to have his boyfriend over, Finn was already yawning sleepily. By two, he was sprawled across his bed, snoring loudly with the lights still on.

He woke up with a start because Puck, the asshole, had thrown an actual bucket of _ice cold_ water on his face at eight thirty. It probably wasn't the wisest choice in the world to volunteer for the morning shift and then spend the day before said shift not sleeping. He had jumped out of bed with a string of expletives streaming angrily out of his mouth as he glared daggers at his friend. He was still so _exhausted_. He didn't even have the energy to throw his alarm clock at Puck as he shuffled towards the bathroom.

He spent the first half of the morning in a sleepy haze, eyes barely open. Finn felt like maybe he finally understood what it was like to be Howard Bamboo, who constantly looked like how he was feeling that morning. Thank God a new shipment of bath towels had just came in that morning. Finn volunteered happily for the position of price tagger because it meant he would get to be in the storeroom at the back. Making himself comfortable on the floor with the tag gun in hand, he had promptly fallen asleep during the pricing of his sixth bath towel.

Once again, Finn was in for a rude awakening when he felt something hard hit the side of his head. His eyes had blared open immediately to find two things. One was a toilet brush situated primly on his lap, and another was Puck, smirking at him with his phone in hand.

"Damn Sleeping Beauty, what the hell did you do yesterday?"

"None of your damn business Puckerman," he muttered angrily, rubbing away the throb on his skull. Did he really have to throw that damn thing so _hard_? His frown grew wider when he realized that Puck was still holding up his phone. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Making a video of you drooling and sending it to Quinn."

"_What_?" Finn lunged for the phone in Puck's hand before the other boy had the time to react and immediately looked for the video to delete it.

"Don't bother Hudson," Puck answered breezily. "I already sent it to her. Thanks sleepy head. Your lameness never fails to trump mine."

"Screw you, Puckerman. At least I don't need another dude's help to get on my girlfriend's good side."

"Hey! Quinn is not my girlfriend. The Puckmaster moves solo."

"Yeah," Finn answered accomodatingly, reveling in the look of uncertainty gracing his friend's face. Messing with Puck's head was always fun. God knew the asshole had done it to him countless times. "The downfall of Puckzilla. At the hands of Quinn Fabray. Should've seen it coming."

"There ain't no downfall happening here, loser." Puck muttered uncomfortably, ripping his phone away from Finn's hands.

"Sure Puck. Whatever you say. I'm sure that video had nothing to do with trying to beg for her forgiveness for being late last night."

"How'd you know about that?"

"I have ears dumbass. And you two argue louder than two football coaches during a foul play. Queen-controlled by Quinn. Oh how the mighty have fallen."

"Screw you Hudson." Hold up. Was Puck _blushing_? Finn burst out laughing hysterically, a hand clutched against his side. Puck was swearing colorfully at him, which only made him laugh harder. Puck blushing. Puck, the perpetual man-whore, acting like the pansy-ass chick he always claimed Finn to be. It was hilarious. Finn swiftly turned his head to the side as another toilet brush came flying towards his skull, still in complete stitches. Finally, after his face was turning blue, Puck had given him the finger before stalking out of the store room in a huff. Finn wiped away the tears in his eyes and smirked in satisfaction as he went back to his bath towels. Payback was a bitch.

The day had passed relatively uneventfully after that. He had called Rachel during his lunch break and got her voicemail instead. So they were back to exchanging voicemails then. He frowned and told Rachel to give him a call when she was done. He bit into his roast sandwhich with a vengeance, welcoming his huge appetite back from the hiding it went into yesterday.

"What up _Noah_?" he teased when he saw Puck walking toward him. The other boy made a face.

"She's not taking my calls, thanks to you, douchebag," Puck answered, sitting across him on the picnic table and kicking his shin in the process.

"Ow what the fuck man! How the heck is it my fault?"

"I called her to clear up the situation. I ain't nobody's bitch. She hung up on me because of you asshole."

"God you're an idiot," Finn muttered, shaking his head.

"Whatever. I'm not speaking to you."

"Stop being such a chick Puckinessa."

"Fuck you Hudson. We're not speaking."

"God look who's PMS-ing now." Puck glared at him without a response. Finn tried again. "You're being such a little chick Puckerman." Finn rolled his eyes when there was still no answer from Puck. "Whatever dude. I'm going in." The rest of the day crawled at snail's pace with absolutely nothing going on and Puck glowering at him from whatever corner he was angsting at. The only silver lining was the fact that Sheets 'N' Things's most loyal customer failed to make an appearance on that day.

At first it was a little funny, but by the time they finished their shift, Puck's silent treatment was starting to bug the hell out of him. What was the dude's damage? How was it Finn's fault that his friend was too much of a dumbass to admit he wanted to be with the girl he likes? They were both glowering quietly at each other during the car ride home. When they reached his place, Finn had immediately gotten out of the car and turned towards Puck.

"Good luck with Quinn. Maybe the two of you could bond over your newly grown vagina together." He slammed the door just in the nick of time as Puck's bobblehead Hawaiian dancer bounced against the window of the car. Finn snorted as the boy flipped him the bird and returned the favor before heading into his house. The morning shift at Sheets 'N' Things ended at three and he went back to an empty home. Rachel had recorded him another voice message, telling him that her reahearsals were going to run straight that day, all day. Which pretty much left him with only one thing to do. Walking up to his room and throwing his backpack on the floor, Finn threw himself on the bed and contined with his REM cycle. Rachel had said that once when she was about to go to sleep. He thought it was a pretty cool way of saying it. Or maybe it was just lame. He couldn't really tell the difference anymore since he started dating her.

He woke up at six, feeling disoriented at the knocks on his door. Kurt was telling him to get his giant derriere out of bed for dinner. Vaguely, he wondered what the hell derriere meant and why Kurt can't just use words like normal people. His thoughts were overshadowed by the rumbling in his stomach however, and Finn happily left his bed. During dinner, he had remembered to tell his mom he wanted to use the car on Sunday morning to pick Rachel up from the airport. His mom asked how she was doing while Kurt rolled his eyes and muttered something about the return of It. He would have been pissed if he didn't know that his stepbrother really cares for Rachel in his own dysfunctional way. Finn had happily told the rest of his family about the musical (Which seemed to interest Kurt if the way he was hanging on to every word was anything to go by), and of Rachel's starring role. He couldn't keep the pride out of his voice, so he didn't even bother trying.

After dinner, he had helped his mom clear the table as a thank-you for letting him use the car on Sunday even though she has her yoga class. And then the four of them were huddled together on the living room couch (well, he was in his father's armchair) to watch a game. His mom and Kurt kept talking over the commentator which annoyed him to no end because can they not see that he and Burt were trying to watch a freaking game? The two of them shared and eye-roll and glanced witheringly at the other two, who were contemplating (loudly) over Vikram yoga or Chakra yoga or whatever the heck they were saying. Rachel kept bugging him too. She kept texting him and distracting him away from the game.

(Twenty minute break. What are you doing?)

(Watching a game.)

(Oh. I'll leave you to it then.)

(K.)

But five minutes after that, she had already sent him another text.

(Do I look ridiculous as a blonde? Al says no, but I'm hesitant to believe him. I do not want my acting debut to be overshadowed by the fact that I was wearing a ludicrous and an unconvincing hairpiece.)

His eyes were stuck to the screen, following every move as he absently typed his reply. (No.)

(Oh. Good. Well I'm anticipating a resounding success for this play, if my acting skills are anything to go by. The stage is where I truly belong Finn. Is the game going well?) Burt jumped out of the couch, crowing happily as the stadium seemed to burst with screams and applause. Finn looked up from the message. Crap, somebody had scored a Touchdown and he missed it. _Man! _Quickly typing a reply to Rachel, he resumed watching.

(Yes.)

(Oh. Wonderful. Derek says I make a wonderful Sophie. I'm inclined to agree with him, because Ashley doesn't seem to be a very good actress and she was my only contender. It really is too bad. She has a wonderful voice. She could have a future in the chorus line if she works on her enunciation. Derek's attempts at seducing me have stopped being annoying and is merely amusing now. He's asking me to have coffee with him as I am typing this message. I told him I don't drink coffee. How was work?) There was nothing more annoying than receiving three texts at the same time . He should have silent his phone.

(Yes.)

(I can see that trying to converse with you is seemingly impossible at the moment. My reprieve from the play is almost over anyway, so goodbye Finn. Have fun watching the game.)

(K.)

It wasn't until the game was over and they were watching America's Got Talent did he realize that Rachel's last message sounded a little pissed. Whatever. He was watching a game, okay? She knew how much he didn't like to be distracted when he's watching one. How would she like it if he went and talked her ear off while she was rehearsing on stage? Still, he had typed out an apology anyway because well, he was always the one apologizing. That was just the way it was.

By nine thirty, Burt and his mom was calling it a night and left for their room, while Kurt was yakking on the phone to his boyfriend. Or maybe it was Mercedes. Finn couldn't really tell. Whatever was on tv sucked and Rachel still hadn't replied to his apology. Which was okay. Because she had rehearsals. They were going to Skype later anyway. Finn decided to turn in too and said good night to Kurt who had waved his hand dismissively, still talking on the phone. Finn rolled his eyes and left his stepbrother on the couch to go up to his room.

He entered and made a beeline for his self-named 'game corner', without sparing a glance at the shoebox on the desk. He needed a break from reading. And from feeling depressed. Now that the St. Jackass Period was over, he had a good idea of what was coming next. And there was probably going to be more drama than Rachel on a bad day. He was giving himself one day of therapy away from Rachel's letters. He glanced at the time on his phone. He had another hour or so to kill before Rachel was done with rehearsals and Left 4 Dead was calling his name

An hour and a half and about five hundred zombies later, Rachel finally called to say that she was already online. Dragging his body out of the beanbag he was in, Finn made his way to his desk and logged on to his lap top. As usual, Rachel was already ready for bed and decked out in her customary nightgown. Except that tonight she had a cardigan over it. That was disappointing.

"Hey babe."

"Hello Finn."

"Is it cold there or something?"

"What? Oh no. I just don't want to get sick. You can never be too prepared, you know."

"Right." Couldn't she at least unbutton it or something? He didn't think actually asking would be such a good idea, so he refrained. Rachel was still fooling around with her camera, no doubt trying to find her best angle or something. It didn't matter how many times he told her he loves her from any angle, she was still convinced there exists one particular point where she would be absolutely breathtaking. "Everybody has an angle Finn," she would tell him primly before going back to messing with hers.

"So how was the game?" she asked once she was satisfied and leaned back against her pillows.

"Awesome. We won."

"Glad to know you didn't ignore me for nothing." Here they go again.

"Aww Rachel c'mon-"

"I know, I know. You're sorry for 'ditching' me. It's okay. No. Really," she stressed at the sceptical look on his face. "I know you really wanted to watch your football match undisturbed. Truthfully I was trying to distract you on purpose so you would call me. You didn't seem to take my bait."

"What bait?"

"Derek." Wait a minute. Finn's face clouded up with unmistakable displeasure.

"You were talking about him in your texts? Why were you telling me about the dude that's going to be kissing you on stage this Friday?"

"I was hoping the jealousy that would build up in you at the mention of his name would be enough to get you to call me," she admitted. "Although clearly, you didn't even read my messages."

"Uh. I got distracted."

"Yes. I thought as much. But I've been having too much of a good day to argue about your lack of attention."

"I take it rehearsals went well?" He asked, amused.

"Without a single hitch," she answered proudly. "I've finally mastered the art of working it as a blonde. David said I was perfect today."

"That's awesome Rach."

"Isn't it?" The pure, unadultarated beam on her face was infectious and amusing. "I can't believe it's only two more days until my official acting debut."

"Yep and only four left until you're back home." Her smile turned soft as he said it and he wished for the thousandth time that he had superpowers or something. One that made it so he could kiss Rachel Berry anytime and anywhere he wanted to.

"Now _that, _I'm really looking forward to."

"Me too." They grinned happily at each other. It was going to be less than a week until they could finally see each other for real.

"So how was your day Finn?"

"Eh. Boring. Puck was acting weird."

"How weird? Noah has always been strange to me." He smiled at that.

"You've always been strange to him too Rach. I don't know. He had a fight with Quinn or something. They fight, like, all the freaking time anyway so I don't know why he's so extra pissed about this one. And then suddenly he's blaming me for it and now he's not talking to me." Rachel was frowning at him.

"Did you do something?" Panic flashed across her face. Her voice was almost shrill on the next question. "Did you do something with Quinn?" Finn burst out laughing at that. But stopped immediately at the look on her face. Apparently it wasn't a joke.

"No! No way! I barely even speak to her these days." Rachel's fear seemed to deflate a little.

"Oh. Why don't you ask him what's wong?" He looked at her blankly.

"Why would I do that?" Rachel rolled her eyes.

"Honestly Finn. The two of you are friends. Isn't that what friends do?"

"Me and Puck don't do that. He'd probably call me a chick if I tried." It was probably a good thing to not mention the fact that he did call Puck that.

"The two of you are ridiculous."

"We're dudes babe."

"Oh. That explains it," she replied sarcastically. Finn shrugged.

"Whatever. That's just the way we roll Rach. The universe will like, collapse or something if we suddenly started talking about our _feelings_."

"But isn't that what friends are for?" she argued. Finn held back a sigh. Man she just wouldn't let it go.

"That's what I have you for," he answered, only partly because he wanted her to drop it. The dazzling smile that was growing on her face was prove that it worked though. For like, five seconds.

"But then who does Noah have to turn to?"

"I don't know. Quinn?"

"But they're arguing!" Finn sighed, annoyed.

"Rachel. Enough about Puck okay? The dude can handle himself."

"But maybe he needs someone to talk to. You're his friend Finn. You need to help him." She was freaking insistent! Like a dog with a bone, that girl. Finn sighed again.

"If I say I'll talk to him will you let it go already?"

"Will you?"

"Fine. Whatever." What Rachel doesn't know won't hurt her anyway.

"Then fine. I will drop it."

"Good. What's this about Derek now?"

"Nothing. He just asked me out for coffee. I declined graciously."

"I could take that kid down you know," he muttered peevishly.

"Your barbaric show of male dominance is exhilarating," she answered dryly.

"What? That little twerp needs to learn to keep his mits off my territory."

"Seriously Finn. Stop being so chauvinistic."

"Seriously Rachel, I'm not. I'm just as much yours as you are mine. Don't think I didn't see that crazy look on your face when you thought I was talking to Quinn." Rachel was sputtering inarticulately. Finn smirked in satisfaction. She wasn't the only one capable of rendering the other speechless.

"I did not have a crazy look on my face!"

"Please," he replied airily. "That was classic Rachel Berry jealous face."

"You're insufferable." She was glowering at him adorably.

"Don't know what that means, but I'm sure it's just one of the many things you love about me."

"Oh definitely," she answered sardonically.

"Anyway you need to let him know you've got a 6"3 giant of a jealous boyfriend waiting for you at home. A football player. And he's not afraid of getting dirty."

"So _now_ you admit you're a giant," she scoffed.

"When it levels the playing field, yes."

"If by leveling you mean tipping it over on to your side completely."

"That's exactly what I meant."

"Derek is perfectly aware that I'm taken," Rachel said primly, a smile threatening to appear on her face. "And that I have a strict, giant-only policy of which, he is unfortunately not eligible for."

"Good." Because seriously, he saw the sleazy look on that kid's face five seconds before they kissed that one time he watched that scene. And Finn didn't think the part called for such a dumbass, longing look.

"You know, Finn. I must say, your jealousy, though completely misplaced and needless, is still somewhat exhilarating."


	11. If there's a rocket tie me to it part 1

Finn woke up with a start on Wednesday morning when he realized that Rachel was coming home in just three more days (if he didn't count this one), and he had yet to finish her letters. But then he remembered that he only had ten left and his mild panic attack subsided. Then he laid lazily in bed, marveling over the fact that he had actually read through ninety freaking letters that Rachel Berry had wrote to her imaginary mother. How mind-blowing was that? He was still a little hesitant to finish the last ten, knowing it was probably going to be about Shelby. Even if Rachel had given it to him specifically, he still felt as if he was breaching some sort of personal wall that he wasn't supposed to go through. Still, she had wanted him to read them right?

As it turned out, he had nothing to worry about in the first two letters. Rachel wasn't done with her tirade against Vocal Adrenaline. She had spent the whole of her ninety first letter criticising every single flaw she found as she spied religiously on their rival for a whole week. (_**Rumors of their coach is legendary. Shelby Corcoran's voice could supposedly melt the ice caps in the North pole if the talk around the Ohio showchoir circuit have any truth to them. They say she almost made it to Broadway mom. It is my opinion that she can't be that good if she didn't actually make it. If she was as good as her reputation, then what is she doing coaching a bunch of high school glee clubbers? I will concede that her methods seem to be highly effective although I have yet to find prove of her talent. Still, it was nice to see Jesse being critcized so thoroughly over his lacklustre performance on stage.**_). The irony of her apparent disdain for their coach was not lost on him.

Her ninety second letter was an entire description of the dream she had where Rachel led a whole army of chickens in a war against Jesse St. James. In her dream, those chickens had followed her around everywhere until she promised them their retribution for the untimely death of their children. He had laughed hysterically on his bed at the absolutely grave way she had described the dream and the death of her favorite chicken by way of dream Jesse's swift kick to its tiny head. The dream had ended with their victory as all the chickens swarmed over him and began pecking on his body until she woke up. No doubt about it, Rachel's subconscious scared the shit out of him.

He postponed the rest of the letters, having a job that he needed to go to. He didn't think his position at Sheets 'N' Things was going to last very long because with Rachel coming back, he could think of a million things he would desperately rather do than to greet Sandy Ryerson with a smile on his face. The drive to work was a quiet one, Puck still seemingly mad at him. But he had bothered to pick Finn up in the first place. That counted for something. Finn ran a hand through his scalp in frustration. Having Rachel Berry as a girlfriend was such a pain in the ass sometimes. He was the first to break the silence.

"What happened douchebag?" Finn looked straight ahead, refusing to even glimpse at his friend out of the corner of his eye. Puck said nothing for the longest time. When Finn finally turned to look at him, he could see the clench of the other boy's jaw and the vice-like grip he had on the steering wheel. When he finaly spoke, it was a mutter and his voice sounded tired. Suddenly it seemed to Finn that Puck looked more grown up than he had the day before. Or maybe it was just because he never noticed.

"We fought. Bad."

"I kind of figured that out for myself."

"It was about Beth."

"Oh." They never talked about Drizzle. Never ever. But if a year wasn't enough for him to get over it, then no amount of time would ever be enough. "What about her?"

"That Shelby woman sent us pictures. Sometimes. She used to send one like every fucking month." Puck was exhaling slowly, as if he was trying to hold in his anger or something. Why hadn't Finn realized before that his bestfriend had learned the art of anger management?

"It's been exactly three months," Puck began quietly. "Since the last one."

"Oh." Finn thought he sounded like an idiot. But he didn't really know what he was supposed to say.

"Quinn knows how to contact her. I keep telling her to call the woman and tell her we want the progress report. But she wouldn't. She doesn't want to. It's like she doesn't even give a flying fuck about our daughter!" Puck's knuckles were white and his words were hard to understand with all the teeth-gritting he was doing.

"Maybe it's too hard on her," Finn offered quietly.

"Screw that. I want to see my kid. It's bad enough I can never see her, now I can't even know what she looks like?" Puck let out a yell of frustration that startled him. This was why they don't talk about things. What the fuck was he supposed to do now?

"I'm sorry man."

"For what?" Puck asked warily. "You didn't do shit."

"I'm just... sorry." The rest of the ride continued quietly.

The day at work didn't go any better either. Puck was being uncharacteristically quiet and broody and Finn found himself walking on eggshells around his friend, not knowing what to do. He picked up Puck's slack too, offering himself somewhat hesitantly to Sandy Ryerson when the man had called over for assistance. An hour before their shift ended Puck had told him to "cut that shit out" and to stop being "a fucking sidekick.".

When Rachel had sent him a text during his break asking him if he made up with Puck, he had spilled the beans to her and told him about Beth. She replied ten minutes later with a short 'Oh' and hadn't sent him any texts or voicemails since. Rachel, being Rachel, had never, since the first time she had ever sent him a text, ever replied with only one word. He didn't think she was capable of doing so. Something was up with her too.

Needless to say, it hadn't been all that great of a day for him. When he got home that evening, Rachel still seemed to be somehwat reserved, not texting him anything other than 'I'm fine.' when he asked if she was okay. He left her two voicemails, telling her to call him back when she was free. She still hadn't by the time dinner was over and Finn began to really worry. Not knowing what to do, he picked up letter ninety three.

_**Dear mom. You are so breathtakingly beautiful. Your voice is uncanny. The moment you opened your mouth to sing, I knew with absolute certainty that it was you. Maybe I shouldn't have bombarded you the way I did today. In the middle of spying on Vocal Adrenaline, no less. But you were amazing mom. You were flawless. You looked surprised to see me. Which was completely understandable. Your face didn't light up with instant happiness like I imagined it would. But I did take you off guard. I just imagined that our reunion would have been filled with more tears of joy rather than awkward silences. You went away abruptly. That hurt, a little. But I know I can be a bit much to take in for any person, so I suppose you just need time to get used to me being around. I don't think I've fully processed Jesse's part in this just yet. I'm sure you have no knowledge of the heartless jerk he turned out to be. You were probably fooled by his superficial charm and talent just like I was. We're going to make this work mom. I've always dreamed of us reuniting. I can't believe you've been within 20 miles of me all this time and I never knew. You took the first initiative in letting me find you, mom. I'm going to make sure it isn't in vain. Rachel Barbara Berry.**_

Knowing how it all played out made Finn wished so badly that he could just jump into that letter or something, to stop her from going through what happens after. So Jesse really had something to do with it. He disliked that Shelby woman the more he knew about her.

_**Dear mom. My poor fathers can't sew to save their lives. Nevertheless, they had tirelessly spent all night helping me staple all those stuffed animals on to my dress. Daddy was crying the whole time though, ever since I told him I figured out who you were. I figured if we are going to be establishing a relationship now, they both deserved to know. Dad had held the staple gun and worked with a vengeance that alarmed me a little. He's very angry with you mom, for going back against your promise. And for Jesse. But I have made it very clear that although his pursuit of me had been out of a favor to you, you were in no way responsible for how he acted. My therapist we'll be coming to our home tomorrow after school. I wonder if I should tell him about all these letters. But it might hurt my parents even more. My dress is ugly. I couldn't help the feeling that maybe if you were here, it could have been better. Everybody is going to laugh at me tomorrow. It's going to be just another day then. Rachel Barbara Berry.**_

He remembered that dress. It was weird. But really, no weirder than what all the other girls (plus Kurt) had on. He had actually thought she looked kind of cute, in an I'm-so-head-up-my-ass-in-love-with-Rachel-Berry-that-she-looks-cute-when-she's-crazy kind of way. Okay so her other dress was smoking hot. But Finn preferred the one she made herself. It was more Rachel. He wished he wasn't so messed up in his own personal drama at the time. Maybe then he could have been there for her the way he really wished he could. He didn't like thinking about that week too much, when the whole creepy _thing_ he had with Kurt finally came to a head in the form of his douchebaggery. He looked at the time to see that it was almost nine. Rachel still hadn't called him. She must be really busy. She would usually be bombarding him with at least a few voicemails by now.

_**Dear mom. Thank you for the dress. Turns out you couldn't sew to save your life either. But you do have the connections. My dress is beautiful. Everybody loved it. I even saw Finn's eyes roll up his head just a little when he saw me. We've only known each other for two days and you've already saved me from further embarrassment. I'm so glad I finally found you. I understand your reserve. It must be as mind-boggling to you as it is to me, even if it was you who had instigated this. I was always a little too quick to warm up to someone though. You should ask Finn. He would tell you so. But he might also tell you that the end result would be absolutely worth it if you would just be willing to stick around. You're going to get used to me after a while. I already feel like I love you. You don't know it yet, but I know I can tell you things I can never tell anyone else. I have spent almost all of high school doing so. Because that's what real mothers and daughters do, right? Rachel Barbara Berry.**_

He loves her. All of her. Even the crazy parts and even the parts that sometimes feel overbearing. But he wished she would just be more careful with her heart. That was always her problem, he noticed. Rachel Berry gives over her whole heart to everything. And it's like she expects everyone to do the same to her. And that never happens, but she never learns. And she keeps getting hurt over and over again.

He may not be the brightest person in well, anywhere really, but the one thing he knows about the world is that people will hurt you when you let them. And you would think she would know that better than him, considering how the people in this town treat her. It was always the same. With him, with Jesse. And with Shelby. She wants it too much, loves them all too much. And when she falls, she falls hard. He wished the rest of them could see what he does. If Shelby could have seen how she shines inside and out, how her smiles always beam from somewhere deep within her, would things have been different? It took him a while. Okay, a long while. But he stuck around. And it was well worth the wait. Shelby didn't know what she was missing.

It wasn't until eleven o'clock and three separate voicemails later did she finally acknowledge him. In the form of a text.

(I'm exhausted Finn. I think I might be coming down with a sore throat. I felt a tickle in my throat earlier. Therefore I don't believe talking to you tonight would be advisable as I need to rest my voice. I'm home and I'm about to go to sleep. Goodnight Finn. I love you.).

Confusion did not even begin to explain him at that moment. What was up with Rachel? He knew for sure it wasn't him because they logged off last night with huge-ass grins on their faces and he barely said enough today to count as a conversation. He sure as hell didn't have the time to accidentally fuck up his words.

(Baby what happened? You're acting strange.)

He fell asleep waiting for her reply.

Finn woke up at four on Thursday morning with a creak in his neck, having fallen asleep while sitting legs forward on his bed, his head hung limply to his left. He groaned in pain, barely able to move his head as he laid down to sleep properly. At eight he woke up for real when his mother knocked on the door to ask for his dirty laundry. Rachel didn't send a reply. Worried, he typed another one.

(Are you up?)

She replied five minutes later.

(Yes. I'm at rehearsals. Today is another grueling day. David says today's going to be the hardest so that by tomorrow we would be absolutely perfect. Unfortunately, that means I won't have much time for us. I'm truly sorry Finn.)

(Oh. That's okay. Go kill your rehearsals today. Good luck babe.)

(I will. Thank you.)

He still couldn't shake off the feeling in his gut that something wasn't right. It clouded his mind all day, except when he was in Puck's car when his worry for his bestfriend overshadowed his worry for her. They couldn't pretend like nothing happened anymore because they were both painfully aware of that something did. Puck was always guarded with his feelings. To the point where Finn forgets sometimes that he even has them because he just plays Asshole so well. So Finn never really knew how to handle a sad Puck. He wasn't kidding when he told Rachel they weren't good with feelings.

But when Puck had snorted and called him a giant walking disaster when he bumped his head against the door of the car, Finn had sighed in relief. Because this Puck he knew. He flipped his friend the finger and just grinned dopeyly.

Rachel didn't call him once when he was at work. Not even to complain about the latest snide remark that Ashley girl made. And she did that at least once every day! Towards the end of the day, her lack of communication had made him antsy. He decided to take matters into his own hands. It took ten seconds before his call was answered.

"Why hello there you hot piece of ass." Well. That was a greeting he never got before.

"Erm hi Al."

"To what do I owe this honor?"

"Yeah sorry for bothering you man. I know you're busy and all with the crazy rehearsals but-"

"What crazy rehearsals?" Finn's brow furrowed even deeper at the other boy's confused question.

"Your crazy final rehearsals right? I thought today was supposed to be jam-packed or something."

"There's no rehearsal today. David told everyone to get their beauty rest for tomorrow. He said no amount of acting can cover up an ugly face. Didn't Rachel tell you?" No. She didn't.

"Is she there?" he asked quietly.

"No. She left with her visitor."

"Her what?"

"Someone came to visit her yesterday morning. My guess is it's family because their resemblance is uncanny. Didn't Rachel tell you about her? Her name has completely slipped my mind at the moment but she's apparently some big deal singer or something because David seemed to know her too." Finn felt the sinking feeling in his chest as he realized who Al was talking about. It wasn't that hard to figure out.

"Shelby Corcoran?"

"Yeah that's her name! You know her too?"

"Yeah I know her." What the hell was Rachel doing with that woman? Suddenly, everything was as clear as day. That was why she'd been avoiding him. She didn't want him to know. He could feel himself getting angry. Reading those letters yesterday was not helping the current situation. She never ever learns. _Never_.

"Finn?" Al's questioning voice broke through his train of thought. From the sound of it, he had been calling his name for a while.

"Sorry, sorry. I was just thinking. What were you saying?"

"I have a bad feeling I just told you something I shouldn't have. Rachel is going to kill me later isn't she?"

"No. Don't worry buddy. We won't mention this conversation to anyone."

"Oh." He wondered why Al's voice sounded like a squeak. Shouldn't he be relieved?

"Thanks man. Catch you later." Finn hung up before Al could respond and stared at his phone contemplatively.

_**Dear mom. Dear Mother. Dear Shelby. You're not my mom. You told me that yourself. You're my mother, not my mom. I never knew there was a difference. Now I know. Thank you for singing with me. We sound good together. Like the perfect mother-daughter team. Like Judy Garland and Liza Minnelli. They had a troubled relationship too. I guess we are too late, just like you said. Thank you for the gift. I don't think I'll be using it. I think it would make me even sadder. But it is much appreciated. Rachel Barbara Berry.**_

He sent her a text goodnight before he went to bed, not bothering to wait for a reply, knowing she probably wouldn't. He hated it when she does this to herself, when she keeps herself tightly wound and leaves him in the dark. She did the same thing the last time too. He had thought she would know better the second time around. He laid in bed that night thinking about Rachel. And Puck. And how Shelby Corcoran had managed to be the one similarity between them. The cause of their misery.

The next day at work Finn was surprised to find Quinn sitting primly on his and Puck's customary picnic table when he went there for lunch. As he went closer, he saw the anxious way she kept playing with her hands and the slight red swell around her eyes. He had greeted her cautiously and she had smiled weakly back at him. When he asked if anything was wrong, she had just shook her head and asked if he could call Puck out. He didn't have to however, because he had turned around to see his bestfriend stroding quickly towards them. She had stood up immediately when she saw Puck. Discreetly, Finn had moved away from them. Vaguely he heard Puck ask what was wrong in a tone he had never heard Puck use before in his life. He had lucnh in the store room with Howard Bamboo.

Puck had came in when their shift continued and walked towards him purposefully, his face deadly serious. Finn felt a punch coming on and prepared to block it. Which was why the bone-crushing hug had shocked him into immobility.

"Thanks man. Tell that to Rachel too. Bitch is annoying, but she gets things done." Finn struggled to pull back, looking at Puck questioningly.

"What are you thanking me for?"

"This." Puck rummaged around the pocket of his jeans and fished out a photo. Finn turned it over to find the beaming face of a one year old in an I love NY shirt, holding on to a corndog as if her life depended on it. Her crinkling eyes were green, and the sparkle in them was eerily familiar. Her blonde hair was in pigtails, with wisps of it escaping to rest on her face.

"She's beautiful." His voice came out in an awed whisper, the little girl in the picture enchanting him completely. So that was what Drizzle looked like.

"We got good genes," Puck replied proudly. "Quinn got it in her e-mail this morning. One guess who gave Shelby the address. She says she's going to send a video too. Her first birthday."

"That's awesome man."

"Your chick is the bomb Finnster." Yes she was. She definitely was. He felt the pride he had for her blooming happily in his chest. He forgot to be upset with her. Rachel Berry was a miracle worker. Puck was in a good mood on the way back, singing at the top of his lungs to KISS and yelling at him to sing along. He had just shook his head and snorted with laughter, his mind a thousand miles away in New York.

_**Dear anon. The one person in the world I thought would want these letters don't, so I'm writing to you, whoever you are. Life these past few weeks suck. They just suck. I would be more eloquent, but like Finn always tells me, why bother with such trivialities as words when suck just conveys everything so perfectly? The world is against me. I know that. It is only natural for the heroine to go through the hardships of life before she may finally triumph. That is, after all, how all epic literatures begin. But I feel like things are beginning to turn around. And maybe I don't really want to be the heroine in an epic literature after all. Finn and I talked today. Really talked. I gave him a ride to Sean's since we were both headed that way. He finally told me about what happened with Kurt Hummell. As surprised as I was at how he had reacted, I could understand why. I've long since known of the torch Kurt carried for him. I had warned Kurt once myself of the futility of it. He never did like me enough to ever listen to me. I never thought things would escalate so dramatically. But that's not what's important. I finally feel like I have my bestfriend back. It's presumptuous of me to say so, but he really is. And it has been a lifetime since we've had a real conversation. I had missed him so much. There were so many times when I wish I could have gone to him. I don't really know what stopped me every time. And the vocal lessons with Sean is going so well. We even did a three-part harmony, with Finn around to join us.I felt like today was the first time I've truly smiled in a long while. Rachel Barbara Berry.**_

Finn Hudson had a plan. It was a great plan. In fact, it was perfect. And he was going to execute it perfectly. Just like James Bond. Or Jason Bourne. The first step was to get Alan (What the hell was the guy's last name anyway?).

"Finn?" Alan's voice was wary this time, almost as if he was afraid or something.

"Hey there buddy!" he greeted brightly. "How are you?"

"I'm not sure yet. Depends on what you want. What _do _you want?"

"I'd like to ask for a favor. You know, man to man?" He could hear the wheels turning in the other boy's head.

"What would I get in return?" This was the hard part. Finn inhaled, hoping whatever it was wouldn't be too horrific to comprehend.

"Whatever you want dude."

"Whatever? Anything at all?"

"Yep."

"Alright." The glee in Al's voice freaked him out a little. But he was like Jason Bourne. Nothing was going to stop him from his mission.

About ten minutes later, he got what he wanted. Her musical was going to start in exactly four hours. He wasn't calling her until she calls him. She started this. She was going to end it. But still,it didn't stop Finn from sitting in front of the lap top nervously and looking at his phone every other minute. Three hours and forty minutes before the show, she finally called. He let the song play for a little longer before he finally picked up.

"Well, look who's back from the land of the missing."

"I'm sorry!" His sarcastic remark and her hysterical apology clashed together at the same time. Rachel was sobbing.

"Sorry for what Rach?"

"Please don't be mad at me. I couldn't take it if you are. I'm sorry Finn. I love you. I love you so much! If you hate me, I'll die!" He couldn't help the crooked smile that was forming on his face at her dramatic declarations.

"I'm not mad at you Rach." He really wasn't. Not anymore anyway.

"You're not?" she squeaked meekly.

"Nope. Maybe just a little hurt. You dissapeared on me babe. For two whole days."

"I know. Something happened. I just- everything is so crazy Finn. I've been dying to tell you and I feel like I'm about to burst but I can't!"

"Why not?" he asked softly. He heard her sighing.

"It's too hard. I can't. Not yet." She was always trying to take care of things all by herself. Just like always. Not if he can help it.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah. Okay. I get it. Well no, I don't. But what you're saying is that you're going to tell me, right? But just not now."

"I- yes." Her tone was uncertain.

"Well then okay. We'll just drop it."

"We will?"

"For now."

"I-" She seemed to have lost her words. Finn plowed on casually.

"How are you? Are you in your costume?"

"Yes. I'll be in make up in fifteen minutes. Then the stage."

"Are you nervous?"

"I feel like I swallowed a washing machine." He laughed at that.

"You're going to be fine. Rachel Berry is born for the stage, remember?"

"I remember. It's just that the stage never felt so big before. I wish you were here. So badly. You will be watching won't you? Al promised to take care of the streaming."

"Wouldn't miss it for the world Rach."

"You're the best, you know that?"

"I've heard it once or twice before."

"Well it's true. I'm lucky to have you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"I think I like being your good luck charm."

"Good. I plan on keeping you for a long, long time."

"How long?"

"Forever. And then some."

"Sounds like a plan."

They whisked her off to get her make up done and he was free to finally begin his operation. Finn felt his stomach tightening as he looked at the numbers on his palm. Not cool. Jason Bourne would have never broken a sweat calling someone. Plus, he had pretty much promised to make a complete ass out of himself to Al anyway. Might as well be worth it.

"Hello?" The familiar voice that answered put an automatic frown on his face just like anything else that had to do with her did.

"Shelby Corcoran?"

"Yes?"

"I'm a friend of Rachel's."

"Pardon me?" He could feel his dislike for her growing about a foot higher.

"Rachel Berry? Your daughter?"

"I know who Rachel is," she answered, her voice sounding sightly amused. "But who are you?"

"That doesn't matter."

"Oh it doesn't?"

"No."

"What does then?" Her condescending tone pissed him off to no end. Finn sighed.

"Look, miss Corcoran, what do you think you're doing?"

"I don't understand what you mean."

"She wrote you letters, did you know that?" he asked, ignoring what she said, knowing that of course she didn't. "Lots of letters, like a hundred of them. Before she even knew who you were. You _don't_ know. Because you left her." He heard her sigh.

"It's complicated-"

"No, it isn't. It's very simple actually. I know cause I'm not very smart, but I get it. You thought you wanted her and you sent your poofy haired-golden boy to go after her, to get her to find you. And then you let him break her heart. And when she did find you, you realized you never really wanted her in the first place. That it was all just a whim. And so you left her too."

"You have no idea about what you're talking about young man-"

"Do you know how amazing she is? How kind and beautiful and talented she is?"

"I am aware."

"Yeah? See, cause I don't think you do. You don't know her. You have no clue the first thing about her. But she thought that you did. Because that's the kind of person she is. She loved you the moment she knew who you were. Did you know that? If you had bothered to stick around, you probably would. But you hadn't. You think you can just walk in and out of her life and it wouldn't matter to her? That it doesn't still hurt to know that not only did you let her go when she was a baby, but that you did it again a second time?"

"I-"

"I'm not finished. I don't like you, Miss Corcoran. And I don't think you'll like me all that much either after this. But Rachel cares about you. And right now, she's probably willing to put the past behind if you just say the word. Because that's the kind of person she is. And I don't know what you want with her. But if you ever hurt her again I'll- I'll-" He'll what? Finn sighed in resignation. What, was he going to threaten to kidnap Drizzle or something? That was ridiculous. "If you ever hurt her again I promise you, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life. Because she doesn't give third chances. And this is your last chance to make it work. And if you know the first thing about Rachel, you'll know how much that's worth."

Maybe he should have written a script or something. He didn't sound as suave as he wanted to be. He snorted. Who the heck was he kidding? He could have written a million scripts and he still wouldn't be able to pull off suave. Shelby Corcoran wasn't saying anything. All he heard was the sound of her breathing.

"I know," she said softly, after almost a minute.

"Do you?" he asked skeptically.

"I understand your hesitance. My actions have hardly spoken well for me. But I know. I promise you this time it's different."

"I sure hope so."

"You're Finn aren't you?" He felt panic pumping adrenaline into his veins.

"How did you know that?"

"She told me about you. She said you were special."

"She did?"

"Yes. I can see why." Finn felt himself blushing in embarrassment.

"I still don't like you, you know."

"I know. I'll try not to screw up."

"Good. You going to the musical?"

"Already here."

"About this conversation-"

"What conversation?" The smile on his face appeared involuntarily.

He hung up just in time to see Rachel's face busily looking into the camera of her lap top.

"Finn? Finn? Can you hear me?"

"I hear you," he said, hurrying over to her.

"Oh good. I have to leave soon. I just wanted to make sure you can see me."

"I can." She was sighing in relief, already in full costume.

"Al's annoyed with me. He says I'm hovering."

"That's because you are!" he heard Al screaming in the background. Finn chuckled.

"They're waiting for you babe."

"I feel like throwing up."

"You can't. No gag reflex, remember?" She laughed nervously at his quip and kissed the screen.

"Thanks Finn."

"Anytime."

"I better go."

"You're gonna kill it Rach." Her smile was wobbly as she turned to leave.

"Hey Rach!" he yelled, as she started to walk away. She turned to look at him inquisitively. He grinned.

"Break a leg." The smile on her face grew wide as she answered him.

"I love you."

Al gave him the best seat in the house. He could see the stage clearly from where he was. He didn't really like the story all that much (The mother was kind of a slut), it was way too chick-flick for him. But Rachel _killed_ her role. She just completely and wholly killed it. She was perfect, and it wasn't just because he was biased. The crowd seemed to agree with him too, judging by the loud applause that erupted every single time she finished a song. Finn closed his eyes tightly when it came to the kissing scenes though. Didn't need to see that. When the curtain finally closed, she had made a beeline, running straight toward him.

"I was great!" she squealed happily, jumping up and down like a child. He laughed. Rachel Berry was anything but modest. "Oh Finn I was _so_ good!"

"You really were." he agreed. "You totally slayed that role." He could see people trying to get her attention, trying to congratulate her. But she ignored them all. Her eyes were shining as she looked at him.

"My very first role. It's only fitting that I share the moment with you."

"And here's to many more to come. And I'll be there for real for those. First row, center stage."

"I would expect nothing less."


	12. If there's a rocket tie me to it part 2

Not long into their conversation, some crew member Finn didn't know literally dragged Rachel away. The girl had smiled cheekily at him and told him they were kidnapping her, if that was alright with him. Rachel had protested unhappily, demanding the girl to unhand her while he just laughed and told them to go ahead. The girl had saluted him and firmly pulled Rachel's resisting body along with her. Al took over and told him not to worry. They were just taking their star to the after party. He honestly wasn't, amused to see Rachel getting the star treatment she had always dreamed off. Five minutes later as he was about to get up off his chair, she had texted him and apologized profusely for their rude interruption and said that she was going to call him later.

It was eleven and with nothing else to do, Finn decided he was going to finish the last three letters while waiting for her call. The shoebox was a mess. He could barely find the last three through the sea of opened envelopes and letters. He made a mental note to clean it up a little because frankly it looked almost like a trashcan at that point. Rachel probably wouldn't appreciate the mess he had made when she had so carefully made it presentable for him. Settling himself onto his bed, he opened her ninety seventh letter.

_**Dear anon. It's official. I have been thrown into the deepest depths of hell. Just when I thought things could not possibly get any worse, Sue Sylvester is going to be the judge at Regionals. Glee club is done for. Miss Sylvester is a strong and independent woman, with many qualities to be admired. But she has long since harbored ill feelings towards my beloved club. I think it's because of her hatred for Mr Schuester, the details of which, I know not of. I'm praying for a miracle. I must admit, the initial shock of the news had thrown me off and I had, unfortunately brought the club's spirit down with my negativity and somber mood. But Finn is right. I am their fearless leader. We both are. And we are going to bring this club to victory and wipe the floors of that auditorium with Jesse St. James's sleazy little smirk! Practice is going well. Everybody seems to have realized the wisdom of my advice and are following my expressed orders. Finn has been wonderful. Ever since I kissed him in that stairwell, we have been almost inseparable. I wonder what the impending fate of glee will do to us? Rachel Barbra Berry.**_

He would have stayed with her no matter what happened. He wasn't an idiot. Well, he was, but he already knew what his life without Rachel was like. Miserable. And if glee had been canceled, which thankfully didn't happen, he would have definitely needed her around. They needed each other. It was as simple as that. And because it was that simple, he understood it perfectly.

_**Dear Shelby. Finn loves me. Jesse won the trophy. You told me you didn't want me. And glee, well I don't know what's going to happen. But Finn loves me. And maybe that's enough for now. Glee club was special. It made me special. I have friends now, even if they don't really like me all that much. And I have Finn. It shouldn't matter that you don't want me with all that I have gained. But it still does, a little. But you seem to think it's too late for us. This is all too much right now. Everybody was crying on the bus ride home, sans Noah and Quinn, of course. Finn held my hand the whole way. He held it as if he wasn't ever going to let it go. Glee means so much to him too. There are going to be twelve new broken hearts on Monday, if you count Mr Schuester's. I think it's time I start fixing mine. Rachel Barbra Berry.**_

He remembered how crazy that weekend had been, how frantic with worry he was at the thought of the life he had come to love being over. He would never in a million years have thought that glee would end up meaning so much to him. Then again, he would never have thought he'd fall so ridiculously, heart-wrenchingly in love with Rachel Berry either. Life was surprising like that. And the way it had all played out, the fact that they got a second chance, he had known for certain that glee was where he truly belong. It was the best thing about being a Lima loser like him.

_**Dear Shelby. These are for you. You should know that you are important. That you helped, even if you were never around. Rachel Barbra Berry.**_

Finn inhaled a lungful of air. That was it, he had thought as he breathed out, the end of Rachel's letters. All one hundred of them. It felt weird, knowing there was nothing left for him to read, no more letters left to tell him all the things he didn't know about Rachel Berry. He stared drowsily at the writings in her last letter. He knew why she stopped writing them of course. She found her mother. And Shelby wasn't what she thought her mother would be. And with that realization, who else would she write to? Addressing your letters to no one, like she had done twice, well, it felt a little pathetic, even to him. Finn had imagined anon was him instead when he read them, like Rachel was telling all those things to him. But then it had been a little weird when the parts about him came up. He fell asleep in the middle of trying to figure out how that would work.

He was jolted awake at two in the morning when Faithfully blared through the speakers of the phone that had been placed strategically near his left ear on the pillow. Groggily he had grabbed it to answer her call.

"Hello?" Finn placed the phone closer to his ear on the pillow so he didn't have to actually hold it up.

"Finn?" Rachel whispered. "Were you asleep?"

"Yes. Why are you whispering?"

"I don't know. I guess I didn't want to surprise you with the sound of my voice."

"You already surprised me with the ringtone."

"I'm sorry," she apologized.

"S'okay. What time is it?" He was squinting up at the alarm clock on his desk, his vision still blurry from sleep.

"Five minutes past two." He frowned and sat up. Did she just get back?

"It's really late Rachel."

"Or really, really early, depending on how you look at it," she offered.

"Where'd you go?"

"I'm not very sure. I think it was a club. It looked more like a basement. There was really loud music though. Although I like to think I'm pretty accomodating to all types of music, I have never really understood the passion for techno. I mean, you can't even sing!" He wondered why she was babbling so nervously. Rachel paused for a few seconds before she took a deep breath.

"I almost didn't call you because I realize how late it is and I figured you probably fell asleep or you would have been wondering where I was a long time ago. But I just needed to talk to you Finn. I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't speak to you on this very night." Finn held back a snort as he raised an eyebrow.

"Way to be dramatic babe." She continued speaking as if he had never said anything, her voice growing louder by the second. He had a feeling she was about to start becoming hysterical soon.

"I need to explain my actions toward you for the past two days. I have been acting abominably and you have been infinitely patient with me, of which I am immensely grateful for, for if our roles had been reversed I never would have shown such courtesy towards you.."

"Rach-"

"Thus you need to know what happened Finn because this guilt at keeping secrets from you is eating me up from the inside and-"

"Baby-"

"I didn't have any fun tonight because all I could think about is having this conversation with you and-" His head was swimming from all the words.

"Rachel!" She stopped mid-monologue.

"Yes?"

"One. Way, _way_ too much words babe. I just woke up. My brain needs at least ten minutes to catch up with your vocabulary. Two. Would you chill please? You sound like the road runner on speed or something."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"It's fine. Just relax, would you? Whatever it is I'm sure it's not that bad," he said soothingly. His calm had nothing to do with the fact that he already knew what she had to say. Absolutely nothing.

"Alright. Don't be mad okay?" she begged in a small voice. He smiled indulgently.

"I won't. I promise." He heard her take another deep breath.

"Okay. The reason I have been so distant lately is, well. Daddy called the other day." So she was going the long route on this one. He leaned back against the wall and stretched out his feet to get more comfortable. "He sounded a little upset but you know him. I thought it must have been something dad said and thought nothing more about it. He told me that dad was going to call later that night and that he had something to say. Well, dad didn't call. I guess he couldn't get through because we spent hours on the phone that night, remember?"

"I remember."

"But he called me the next morning. And well, he had surprising news, to say the least."

"What was it?"

"My mother had called him. Shelby knew I was in New York and she asked if she could see me." She stopped talking then, as if she was waiting for him to respond.

"Wow," he managed, trying to sound surprised. It seemed to work.

"Exactly," she answered, continuing with her story. "You could imagine my surprise when he told me that. Dad had told her it was my choice. And he told me he didn't like it but that I was at perfect liberty to do what I deem as right, because she left her number. She wouldn't contact me if I didn't want her to."

"So you went to see her?"

"Well, no actually. I didn't plan to at first. I didn't really want to because really, what could we possibly have to say to one another after all that has happened?"

"But?" he asked, urging her along.

"But well, I read your text. About Noah and Quinn." He had a sinking feeling that this was all his fault suddenly.

"Baby you went to see her because of Beth?" he asked quietly.

"Well I couldn't just sit idly by when I knew I could do something about it. They're your friends, and they needed help."

"You didn't have to, you know."

"Yes I did. I knew how helpless you must have felt. What kind of a girlfriend would I be if I had just went on merrily without a care for you?"

"Definitely not the awesome one you are right now," he answered softly, wondering if it was possible to love her more than he did at that moment.

"Precisely." The casual way she said it made him smile in amusement. "So I called her. And I told her that I would like to see her if she would be willing to do that favor for me. I'm guessing Noah had shown you the picture?"

"He did. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because if you had known, you wouldn't have let me. But not telling you made me feel guilty, so I couldn't speak to you for the longest time. After a few hours with her-" she paused. "Finn." Her voice undertook a sudden tone of wistfulness. "She wants to know me. She apologized for what happened and she said she realized there was still time for us to get to know each other. She even went to see the musical. She was in the front row. I didn't even know she was coming."

"Is that what you want?" he asked quietly. It took a while for her to answer.

"I thought it wasn't. I thought I would just walk away and tell her thanks, but no thanks. But- but she's my _mom_ Finn. And I have wanted to know her for the longest time, you know?"

"I know." He knew just how much. It was a lot. They were both quiet after he said that, contemplating the situation.

"Do you think I'm being foolish?" she asked quietly, after a minute or two. Finn looked at the shoebox on his desk. He remembered his conversation with Shelby earlier. She told him it was going to be different. And even though he trusted her about as far as he could throw an elephant, he believed her somehow.

"No. I don't. It's important to you, right?"

"Right," she answered softly.

"Just be careful this time, okay? I don't want you to get your hopes up."

"I won't." He knew she was smiling by the soft lilt in her voice. "Your over-protectiveness is really endearing Finn Hudson."

"I wouldn't have to be if you weren't so damn eager all the time," he grumbled.

"It's impossible for you to hold a conversation without an expletive, isn't it?"

"Damn straight."

"Well I love you regardless."

"Well thank you. Rach?" He figured it was only fair for him to come clean too. Well, almost clean. His super secret mission was super secret for a reason, being that Rachel must never find out.

"Yes?"

"I knew."

"Knew what?"

"About Shelby." Rachel gasped dramatically.

"You _knew_? How?"

"Puck said thank you for the picture," he answered wryly. It was better to leave Alan out of this, for that boy's sake. "And the video."

"Oh. I expressedly told Quinn not to tell you," Rachel said, annoyed.

"Must have slipped her mind. I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For not telling you that I knew and letting you go crazy 'cause I was a little pissed at you."

"Oh. That was really mean Finn Hudson!" she berated, her voice shrill. "I was dying with guilt and you apparently knew all along. Why didn't you just tell me?"

"Why didn't you?" he countered. That stumped her.

"Point taken," she finally conceded. "Let's agree to put this behind us, shall we?"

"Done," he agreed, grinning. Truthfully, he was relieved that she didn't make a bigger deal out of it. He wondered if maybe she was just too sleepy to fight by the loud yawn that came out of her then.

"Do you have work tomorrow?" she asked, her voice sleepy. Finn groaned.

"Ugh. Afternoon shift."

"So we should probably say goodbye now, shouldn't we?"

"What're you gonna do tomorrow?"

"Al's taking me on a tour of New York City. He said I've been spending too much time on Broadway and not enough time anywhere else. I don't know what he's talking about. One can never spend too much time on Broadway."

"What was he thinking?" he mocked, grinning.

"I know. That boy is ridiculous sometimes."

"Well try to have fun anyway."

"I will. Just one more day Finn and I'm going to be home!" Rachel squealed before she continued dramatically, "Tomorrow's going to be the longest day of my _life_."

"Hey at least you get to have fun. It's going to be even longer for me," he complained at the thought of work.

"Poor baby," she teased.

"You're just gonna have to come back the next day to make it all better."

"I will. I promise."

xxx

His shift the next day couldn't go by fast enough. In fact, the whole day just couldn't go by fast enough. Rachel had tried unsuccessfully to wake him up in the morning to start the day with her. His shift didn't start until noon and there was no way he wanted to make the day any longer by waking up so early. He told her this firmly as she wheedled for him to get up. After maybe ten minutes, Rachel finally got the hint and hung up in a huff and he went right on back to sleep until about ten thirty when he had to get up or risk another one of Puck's unconventional methods of waking him up.

Ever since he had received that picture of Beth-Drizzle, Puck had been in a perpetual good mood, constantly calling him "The Finnster" and playfully having Finn's head in his headlocks. It was so fucking annoying. Not that he wasn't happy for his buddy or anything, but seriously. Puck needed to cut that shit out because it was weird and just creepy. And he seemed to be in a happier mood that day, if that was even possible as he proudly told Finn that his kid was going to grow up and be a girl version of a badass, just like the Puckersauraus. Apparently, Shelby had sent Quinn the birthday video the day before and from the way the boy seemed to be able to quote his kid's incoherent blather in verbatim, Puck must have watched it a million times. Not that he would ever admit it.

Finn was surprised to see Quinn Fabray once again sitting on their picnic table at lunch, smiling happily at him as he plunked down on the seat, a paperbag in hand. He smiled back and told her to forget about it when she attempted to thank him for the whole Shelby thing. He didn't really want any credit for that, not liking that it implied just how much he was involved in the reconnection between Rachel and Shelby, which he still had a lot of reservations for. He had raised an eyebrow curiously when Puck finally came out and greeted Quinn with a "Hey there hot mama."

That wasn't the weird part. The weird part was the fact that Quinn seemed to like it. A lot, judging by the blinding beam she was sending his bestfriend as she replied with a bright "Hey!". Her paperbag contained cookies. Awesome. He knew Quinn was good at baking. When they went out, she used to bake him cookies too sometimes and he thought that might have been one of the reasons he liked her in the first place. Rachel's were better though, he amended quickly in his thoughts as he took a bite out of his.

Thank god for the cookies, because they were the only thing keeping Finn from upchucking and rolling his eyes as Quinn found her seat in Puck's lap and they began being all lovey-dovey towards each other and creeping Finn out. If Rachel wasn't coming back the next day, he probably would have told them to get a room. As it was, he just continued polishing off those cookies and furtively stealing Puck's who seemed completely oblivious to anything that wasn't Quinn. He just hoped, as he chewed Puck's cookie, that it would take more than just a few days this time before they go into another one of their seemingly endless big arguments.

Since Rachel was the free one for once in their whole month of separation, he had been receiving an endless stream of texts from her telling him exactly where she was at all times and what she was doing. It got to the point where he really needed to silent his phone because the incessant beeping was annoying the heck out of anyone within his vicinity, except maybe Puck, who was the annoying one himself. Rachel was totally lusting all over the city and it probably would have irritated him a little if she didn't alternate these texts with ones of her apparently missing him and his"irreplaceable presence" like Maria misses her Tony. He knew the Tony dude died in the end so he didn't really know what she meant by that. But he understood the important part which was that Rachel was just missing him like crazy the whole time.

He had never been happier for work to end as they ended their shift and Puck drove him home. Once his bestfriend had dropped him off at his driveway, Rachel had immediately called and began a long and sunny account about the wonders of New York City, pausing only occasionally to breathe and not giving him any opportunity to speak. Finn half listened as he unlocked his door and made his way into the kitchen, his mind solely focused on the leftover chicken from yesterday. One cold chicken leg later, and just when his ears were starting to burn, Al finally stole the phone away from his girlfriend and told Finn that he was confiscating it until further notice. That was about the time his mom came home and started in on him for ruining his appetite right before dinner. Finn had rolled his eyes at that because really, his mom should have known by then that his stomach was an endless pit of hunger.

At seven thirty, right after dinner, he realized that there was only thirteen hours standing in the way of Rachel finally coming home and he became restless once again. He checked his alarm for the tenth time to see that it was definitely set to go off at six thirty in the morning and ran down the stairs to make sure that his mom's car had a full tank. It was only half full and was enough for the trip to the airport, but he got into the car and drove to the gas station anyway just for something to do.

As he drove, he remembered the night of their anniversary a month ago and the drive home when the car had smelled like Rachel. That night it smelled like his mom's perfume and the lemon-scented car freshener he had scored for her from Sheets 'N' Things. There were only a few hours left before the car was going to be filled with his favorite scent again. He bought himself a grape slushie on a whim and made a toast with the brightest star he could see to her homecoming as he sat on the hood of his mom's car, waiting for the tank to fill up.

Rachel called him at approximately eleven thirty to tell him that she was finally home and that she had bought him tons of souvenirs from the city so that they would both remember this summer for the rest of their lives. He told her he didn't need any because her letters were more than enough for him to have this summer forever cemented into his brain. That was when she suddenly became quiet. He frowned at the sudden change of atmosphere.

"What's wrong?" he asked. "Did I say something stupid?"

"No." she answered quickly. "Not at all. It's just," Rachel seemed to be taking a deep breath before she continued. "Have you read them?" she asked in a small voice. "All of them?"

"Totally," he replied, the pride at actually finishing every single one lacing his voice. Finn laid face-up on his bed, talking to her in the dark. For some reason his ears seemed to be more alert now that his eyes couldn't see a thing. He could practically feel the hesitance coming off her slow breaths in waves.

"So what do you think?" she finally asked.

"Bout what?"

"All of it." He should have known she was going to quiz him on them. What was he supposed to say anyway? He never was any good at pop quizzes. He thought about it carefully, forming words in his head so that he wouldn't screw things up.

"It was... interesting."

"Interesting how?" Her question was insistent and it was making him nervous.

"Well," he began slowly, stalling for time as he tried to form a coherent sentence. "There were so many things I didn't know, you know? So many things about you that I missed out on. And those letters kinda filled those gaps. It's like, I _get_ you so much more now than I ever did before. And yeah, some of it is sort of overwhelming but it's like, I get how important they are to you. Remember what you said?" he asked urgently, the memory coming back to him like a bolt of lightning. "That time a year ago when you told me that Shelby wasn't the one?"

"Yeah," she answered softly.

"I had no idea what you were talking about. And then I kind of forgot all about it, but when you gave me those letters, it was-" Finn stopped, wrecking his brain for the right words. "It was kinda intense, you know? Like I finally knew what you were talking about and it threw me off a little. I mean this is kind of major, Rach."

"What is?"

"The whole me being the one thing." She heard her sharp intake of breath and her slow release.

"Did I scare you?" she asked timidly.

"No. Baby _no_. That's not what I meant. I just mean-" God where were the words when he needed them? "It's like _wow,_ you know?"

"Wow?" He could hear the slight amusement in her voice. At least he wasn't making her upset. He sucked with words. He just totally _sucked_.

"Yeah. _Wow_. Like it just completely blows my mind how much you trust me, you know? It's cool. I didn't think anybody would ever trust me with something that big, you know? Something that important. And well, I guess now I can kind of understand why you were so bummed about the whole Shelby thing. Now that I know how much your mom meant to you."

"You don't think I was being too forward?" she asked quietly when he was done. Finn snorted.

"Rach of course you were being too forward. You've always been that way. But I love you for it. And I loved that I got to know who you were and what you thought about everything that happened. Everything that's great about you were in your letters Rachel. It's everything about you. Your mom is totally missing out. She would kill for these letters if she knew just how much."

"I always thought those letters were the worst of me," she said thoughtfully, as if she was rethinking everything. "I was so spiteful and bitter and _angry_. I thought people would probably hate me if they found them."

"I don't," he answered quietly. "Just the opposite." Rachel's breathing became rapid and suddenly he heard her strangled sob. Finn panicked. Did he say the wrong words again? He tried so _hard_.

"F-F-_Finn_," she hiccupped before she started sobbing quietly.

"Baby. Baby I'm _sorry,_" he apologized helplessly. "I so didn't mean to screw this up!"

"No, no ,_no_!" Rachel protested, her voice urgent. "Finn you didn't screw up anything. You're perfect."

"Then why are you crying?"

"I'm just... overwhelmed."

"By_ me_?" he asked, skeptical.

"Yes _you,_" she insisted."Your words were perfect. Every single syllable. Don't you dare take them back."

"I won't," he promised. "Don't cry Rach. Please? You know I can't handle the crying."

"I'll stop. I promise."

"Good." He heard her breathing slowly, in and out, trying to calm herself down. He imagined Rachel, probably in her room, sitting at the edge of the bed and applying the proper breathing technique she had always forced him to follow.

"Just so you know Finn," she said softly once her breathing became regular agin. "You're the only person in the world that I would trust. With everything. My heart being the most important one of all. Is that wow enough for you?"

"That's a double wow," he answered, grinning like an idiot. "I love you Rachel Berry."

"Forever?"

"Forever."

"I'm glad to see our plans seem to concur," she replied softly, giggling a little.

"Show-off," he teased.

"There's no point in brushing up my vocabulary if I had no intention of using it," she answered primly.

"Whatever Berry. You just like to flaunt."

"Well, obviously." He heard her stifled yawn.

"Are you in bed?"

"Yes."

"Me too."

"Goodnight Finn."

"Night Rach."

"I love you."

"Ditto."

"Don't hang up," Rachel said sleepily, her voice barely a whisper.

"I won't." He listened as the sound of her breathing became heavier, knowing she was about to fall asleep at any moment. "Hey Rach?" he whispered. "Rach!" he called louder when there was no response.

"Hmm?" she asked drowsily. He felt his smile stretching across his face.

"See you tomorrow."


	13. Dear Finn

_**Dear Finn,**_

_**I just had an epiphany, as you already know by now, being present at the time. You're going to read this one day. I know that for sure. It's just a matter of when. I have spent more than a year writing these letters. I used to address them to my mother because I had thought that wherever she was, she would be the best person to understand me and my idiosyncracies. I never had a mother, but with all the proverbs and anecdotes dedicated to that unique profession, I had naively assumed that my mother would be the one person in the whole world who would truly accept me for who I am, discounting my parents of course, because I know their love is unconditional. **_

_**Thus when I was fourteen and it seemed like I was the whole world's enemy and Quinn Fabray was the messenger of hate sent down to make that fact clear, I began writing to my mother. In retrospect, I should have known that the woman who had given me away as a child wouldn't be the right person to turn to in my time of desperate need. I bared my soul to this imaginary woman, confessing to her all of my hopes and fears and after a while, she became real to me. Delusionally, I had thought that if I ever found my mother, she would turn out to be exactly the kind of woman I had pictured in my head as I wrote those letters. **_

_**I was unfortunately proved otherwise. I found my mother. And she's nothing like I thought she would be. She doesn't understand. She doesn't care to. I felt heartbroken, because it turned out the only person who I thought could possibly love me even after knowing everything about me, didn't love me after all. If my own mother won't love me, who else would? Since you are well aware of my penchant for theatrics, I assumed you will take this dramatic outburst in stride. My fathers had raised me to be confident and self-sufficient. But although I am both, it didn't change the fact that I was lonely. I thought writing to my mother changed that. But here's the part where I finally realized the truth. **_

_**You changed my life Finn Hudson. **_

_**You pushed me out of the solitary confinement I was in and I was thrusted into your life irrevocably. Some might say my enthusiastic pursuit of you was something of my own making, but it still wouldn't erase you from the equation. I may have been the driving force of myself, but you were the catalyst. Before you, I was so good at pretending that my loneliness was by choice. No matter how angry or sad or pathetic I felt, I used to always be able to push away those ugly thoughts because it used to be easy to pretend that I didn't care. All the slushies and the name-calling and the deragotary comments were bearable because my armor was tough. The thing about armors though, is that they don't just protect you, they also isolate you from everyone.**_

_**It turned out all mine needed was a 6'3 giant to run it to the ground. What I felt for you was inexplicable. It was automatic and insistent. Maybe a normal person would have tried to pull away. But I did what I always do. I followed my desires. And though my actions had been alarming and had even terrified you a little, I'd like to think that in some way, you felt it too, because why else did you accomodate me so? Because Finn, you may have thought that I was just a little crazy and though you did, as you told me, checked under your bed once to see if I was there, it didn't stop you from being my friend anyway when it had stopped everybody else. **_

_**After we met, it was impossible for me to go on as before because I could no longer pretend that I was invincible. I wanted to feel. Even the hurt. I had no idea loving someone could hurt so much, or that I would still want to after knowing it. But you're the one person in this whole town that I could never block out. You broke through my barriers Finn. Voluntary or no, that isn't the point. I never cared for the needs of someone else before I met you. I always put myself first, because I assumed that if I didn't, nobody would. With you, I always wanted what was best, although I do admit to caving in to my selfish tendencies once in a while. **_

_**The truth is Finn Hudson, I stopped feeling so lonely because of you. I think I learned to care for other people becaue of you. You made me see that there was a lot more to this world than just me and my dreams. You took a chance on me, so thank you. You love me despite what everybody else thinks. It may have taken you a while to get there, but what matters is that you did. **_

_**This is new. This whole thing where it seems we can finally just be together without anything wedging its way in between us. I can't help but think that giving this letter to you now, would probably cause you to freak out and make things awkward because I have always been more in tuned with my feelings than you are. An acceptable amount of time is needed before this can fall into your hands. I'll make sure that this time I won't overwhelm you with my abundance of feelings. See? I'm already making progress.**_

_**I don't need Shelby. As you said before, I never needed her. I just thought that I did. Mr Schuester told me once that I would find someone just like you. Someone who would learn to care for me and love all the parts of me, even the ones I detest. You're special Finn. You see me for who I am and you've learned to love me for it. And one day, when you finally realize just how much you do, you're going to realize just like I did that what we have? It's of epic proportions.**_

_**I don't need my mother Finn, because I have you. Just so you know, though I have yet to say this to your face, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. **_

_**Rachel Barbra Berry.**_

He found it half-wedged between the bottom folds of the shoebox at four in the morning. In his haste to get to the toilet, Finn's arm had accidentally swiped the box and it came toppling to the ground, its contents strewn everywhere on the floor. Swearing, he had left it there and practically ran to his destination. He sighed sleepily as he returned to his room and turned on the lights to find a burst of letters and envelopes on the floor. Squatting in front of his desk, Finn began the tedious task of cleaning things up. He turned over the shoebox, and just as he was about to dump a handful of paper into them, he noticed it. It was just there, stuck innocently within the folds. Having turned over the thing many times before, he couldn't understand why he never saw it. It figured that he would find it just a few hours before she was supposed to arrive.

The date posted on the letter was a little over a year ago. Finn swore that when he saw his name, his heart had skipped a beat, the adrenaline it released pushing away all thoughts of sleep from his mind. He had read it as he sat cross-legged on the floor, the rest of her letters strewn around him. The letter was heavy, to say the least. And completely mind-boggling. Not to mention also filled with some of Rachel Berry's most complicated vocabulary ever.

He figured it probably took him a good twenty minutes of staring at the floor, trying to process all her words and what they meant. He knew she loved him, it was glaringly obvious. But to love him _that_ much, to give him _that _much credit, nobody else but Rachel Berry would ever think of him that way. Epic. She had said they were epic. Like one of those old fairy tales with the princess and the prince and the dragon. Or like Call of Duty (He meant the epicness thing, not the whole blood and murder thing). He had smiled like a doofus then. They _were_ epic. Totally epic.

Cut to a few hours later, and there he was, waiting anxiously at the arrivals gallery of Lima Allen County Airport, the letter tucked away in the pocket of his jeans. He read it at least three more times, the last in the car after he had pulled up at the parking lot, having arrived a good twenty minutes before she landed.

Sometimes being such a tall freak was a good thing. Like when you're on the lookout for your midget girlfriend, for example. He spotted her a mile off, her yellow button down and orange mini a dead give away. She still hadn't seen him, but he could see her head swiftly turning left and right, looking for him. He knew he was grinning like a dumbass.

Finn Hudson never broke his promises to Rachel Berry. Or at least, not anymore. So, before she could spot him herself, and about five seconds before her face lit up in recognition, he was already stroding off purposefully towards her. It took just ten long strides to get to where she stood. Rachel Berry was still looking a little taken aback by his sudden presence. Silently placing a hand firmly on each side of her waist, he had promptly picked her up effortlessly as she squealed in surprise and twirled her around a respectable three times. He could have gone for a fourth turn, if he hadn't suddenly been overpowered by the insane need to finally, _finally_ kiss her senseless, just like she told him to.

Setting her down, Finn had wrapped one arm around her waist, his other hand firmly gripping the back of her neck. As he leaned down, he grinned mischievously at her awestruck gaze before he captured her lips and proceeded to do just what she asked for. Early morning arrivals meant that there weren't too many people around to bear witness to his smooth move. Which was too bad, because Finn was certain he just pulled off one of his most epic gestures in like, _ever_.

For a second, the moment they came together, Finn had lost himself in the familiar feel of her lips. And her soft mewl that he had smothered when he opened his mouth just a little. He missed the way their bodies seemed to come together so seamlessly, like puzzle pieces falling into place. When she grabbed fistfuls of his shirt and dragged him even closer, her soft sigh muffled by his lips, he forgot where they were. All his thoughts were centered on the one fact that his month-long Rachel Berry drought was finally over.

It was like rainfall after a month-long heatwave. Like stumbling across an oasis after spending your whole life wondering aimlessly around a desert. It was like coming home (In the back of his mind, he vaguely wondered when it was that his subconscious started to become as dramatic as Rachel Berry).

He finally pulled away when the death grip she had on the front of his shirt began to wane and he realized she probably needed to breathe. Her eyes were still closed when he opened his. He had leaned her back so far, they were almost doubled over. Her breath came in little pants as she slowly opened her eyes.

"Hi," he whispered softly, a smirk planted on his face at her dazed and thoroughly-kissed-senseless expression. She said nothing as her expression slowly cleared up, the beginnings a full-blown grin stretched across her face.

"Wow," she answered softly, as he straightened them up, the arm around her waist staying put. He pulled on her hair playfully.

"That movie magic enough for you?" His voice came out as a hoarse whisper. She shook her head in mock dissappoinment.

"Too much chemistry. We would have burned a hole through the film strip." The beam on her face was infectious. Rachel's hand found his and gripped tightly. He smiled and gripped back just as hard, reveling in the simple gesture that he had missed so, so much.

"Yeah," he agreed, trying to sound dead-panned. "I know what you mean." She looked exactly the same as the last time he saw her one month ago. Exactly like his Rachel. There were small ducks littered all over her shirt. He missed her animal prints. He missed her argyle sweaters and sinfully short skirts and oddly hot knee-highs and welcomed them back whole-heartedly. They grinned at one another like idiots, their hands squeezing the life out of each other's, and just stood static for a long moment to stare at each other before he finally reached out and pulled the handle of her baggage away from her. With his other hand firmly grasping hers, Finn pulled her along towards the exit.

"I missed your face Rachel Berry," he told her casually as they walked together. The happy smiles on their faces were still there and refused to budge.

"I missed your smile Finn Hudson." He grinned like a doofus.

"I missed your smokin' hot rack."

"I missed your well-defined chest."

"I missed your hair."

"I missed the feel of my hand in yours." They were walking towards the parking lot, not looking at each other as they threw their words back and forth. He was in front and she was slightly behind him, struggling to keep up with his long strides.

"I missed the animals on your shirts."

"I missed your stripes."

"I_ really_ missed your short-ass skirts."

"_Finn_!" He glanced at her. She was struggling not to smile.

"What?" he asked nonchalantly. "They're hot."

"You're so juvenile," she answered, shaking her head. She pulled against his wrist and he stopped walking. Finn turned around to find her smiling up at him adoringly, her hand pulling against his arm, pulling him in closer. His car was just a few feet a way, but what the heck.

"I missed your hugs," she said softly as she took his arms and wrapped them around her waist. He held her tighter and said nothing as her hands made small circles across his back. "I wished I didn't have to go home," she murmured against his chest, her face squished against his body. Finn groaned in dissapoinment. He promised her dad he would have her home by ten thirty. Sometimes he wished her dad didn't put the fear of God in him. It was so much easier with her daddy.

"Damn it Rach," he muttered as he gently released her. "Why'd you have to remind me of that?"

"Sorry."

"Come on, I gotta get you home before your dad starts calling." Rachel rolled her eyes at him, but followed his lead.

"You do know that your fear for him is ridiculously overboard and only encourages him to intimidate you more?" she said as they reached his car. He opened the door and gestured for her to get in.

"Yeah, well he does hold the power of witholding you from me, so I try not to get on his bad side."

"If he ever tries to, I will throw a tantrum that befits my reputation as a diva. You know I learn all my best tricks from daddy, and his fits are legendary."

"That's good to know," he answered wryly as he started the engine. Once he had the car moving, she grabbed his wrist and pressed a kiss to his palm before resting it on her lap. They began the drive in comfortable silence as she traced the patterns of his palm lines. His mind was on the folded papers in his jean pocket and the question that had been burning within him ever since he read it the first time. Rachel's fingers stilled against his palm. From the corner of his eye he could see her starting to blink sleepily.

"Rach?"

"Yes Finn?"

"Can I ask you something?" he asked hesitantly. She smiled at him, kissing his palm once again.

"You can ask me anything."

"Why'd you stop writing? The letters I mean." He had turned his hand over to grasp hers and gently ran his thumb across her knuckles. "At first I thought it was because of Shelby. But then I found your last letter. It was for me."

"You just read that?"

"Yeah. This morning actually."

"Oh." She sounded nervous. "Did it scare you?"

"The letter?" he asked incredulously. "Of course not. It was amazing."

"I was afraid it might scare you. I thought it might be too.." She was scrunching her face, searching for the proper word. "Eager." Finn let out a short laugh, complete with a snort, and squeezed her hand.

"Baby, eager is your middle name. I learned to take your intensity in stride the moment we met." She turned to him, positively beaming.

"So you didn't think I was being too strong?"

"Of course you were. But I loved it. Thank you."

"For what?"

"For letting me in on the equation."

"You're most welcomed," she answered graciously and giggled.

"Wait," Finn said, frowning as he remembered his question. "You were supposed to answer me."

"Isn't it obvious?" she asked, as if she was appalled at him for even asking.

"It's obvious that it isn't."

"I don't need those letters anymore," Rachel said, shrugging her shoulders. "I have you. Why would I write my feelings down when I could just tell them to you?"

"Really?" he asked, pride lacing his question.

"Yes. Your presence beats a pen and a paper any day of the week."

"Cool."

They continued the rest of the drive in contented silence. It was weird in a way because Rachel being silent for long periods of time was usually a bad thing. But Finn found that he kind of liked it, the comfort of just being around one another. About ten minutes before they reached the Berry's household, she began to sing. He laughed appreciatively when he realized she was singing November Rain. She totally ripped that song off from his iTunes. By the time she started in on the second verse, he was already singing along and they ended up with an impromptu duet, which seemed to delight Rachel immensely, judging by her ecstatic laughter when they finished. He was pretty sure that it's the sunniest and happiest cover of the song that had ever been done.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he said as he pulled up in her driveway.

"You have work tomorrow," she said, her face scrunched up in dissapoinment.

"Screw that. I'm quitting." She smiled at that.

"You can't quit. The only reason you took that job in the first place was because nobody else was hiring, remember?"

"Whatever," he muttered darkly. Working _sucked_. He wouldn't be able to see her for the rest of the day, she was going to spend it with her parents. All he got was two hours. Two totally rocking hours, but still, just _two._ Rachel smiled at him, taking his face in her hands and kissing him softly before she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I'll call you later," she whispered, planting a soft kiss against his ear before slipping quietly out of his car. When she reached the door, she had turned around and blew him a kiss. He waved back bleakly, suddenly feeling anxious about what was waiting for her. He sighed as he reversed his car back onto the street. It was ten thirty five. He had twenty five minutes left to kill before upholding his promise.

XXX

"I said broody Finn, not The Hulk," Al commented wryly at his fiftieth awkward pose. Finn sighed wearily. Modeling was a bitch.

"Dude. I don't think I'm cut out for this whole model thing."

"Don't be ridiculous. You're perfect for it. Now give me broody." Al sighed at Finn's tenth attempt at 'broody', whatever the hell that was supposed to mean. "Well, I guess that'll do."

He had stolen the camera from Kurt's room while his stepbrother was out with his boyfriend. He knew the the boy would probably let him have it if he had just asked, but Finn didn't think telling Kurt what he wanted to do with it was such a good idea. Besides, it was way cooler to steal it anyway. It made him feel like a spy or something. With the camera on a tripod situated in front of his lap top, he had taken picture after picture of himself posing like a total douchebag according to whatever it was Al wanted. He definitely needed to delete the photos when they were done. Like, immediately. Nobody else was going to witness his God-awful pictures.

"That's it Finn! Now smile! Now you just look like you're constipated. _Smile_, man. I've seen you do it. It's not that hard."

"I'm_ trying,_" Finn growled, as he tried to grit his teeth and smile at the same time. When he had agreed to the whole deal in exchange for Shelby Corcoran's number, he had no idea headshots were going to be such a pain in the ass. It probably wouldn't have been so hard if he didn't have to 'hold the pose' and run over to the camera to turn on the timer at the same time.

"One last picture dear. Think of Rachel. Think of kissing Rachel and holding her in your arms and- That's it! Hold that pose! Hold it! Now go and take the picture! Perfect! Oh honey, you are a _fine_ specimen."

"Uh. Thanks. I think." Fifty seven pictures. That was the price he had to pay for his super secret mission. Finn thought he probably pulled a muscle in his face from all the smiling and the brooding he had been doing. "So we're done, right? I don't have to do anything else?" Al nodded happily on his screen.

"I'll handle the rest. You don't mind me forging your signature, do you?" Al asked as he held up what was supposedly Finn's resume.

"Go ahead," he answered tiredly, sitting at the edge of his bed in exhaustion. "Do whatever you want." Al seemed to be taking this whole modeling thing way too seriously. Finn doubted a few pictures of him making a fool out of himself was going to attract some big shot modeling agency, but whatever. It wasn't like he cared anyway. The boy on the screen was talking about contracts and deals and whatever else Finn wasn't exactly listening to when Rachel called.

"_Sshh_!" he hissed as he dove for the phone on his bed. "Hello?" he answered breathlessly.

"Hi." Her voice sounded heavy, like she had been crying. _Crap_. Al was still talking, oblivious to the fact that Finn had told him to shut the hell up, in not so many words. Finn snapped his fingers frantically to catch his attention, making slashing gestures at his throat once he got it. There was no way in _hell _Rachel was finding out about this. Finally, the dude got the point and logged off, but not before grinning happily at Finn and saluting him, winking as he waved the 'resume' giddily above his head. Finn rolled his eyes and held back a groan. What the fuck did he just get himself into this time? Rachel sniffled silently on the phone, which brought his attention back to her.

"Rachel?"

"I found it." _Crap._

"Found what?" he asked, his voice strangled.

"Your surprise." He was glad she wasn't in front of him because his face was burning from the blush that had spread all over his body. He felt like such a _chick_.

"Oh. How um, how was it?" he asked nervously. She didn't say a word for the_ longest _time.

"Finn," she sighed. She _sighed._

"It's stupid, isn't it?" he muttered, embarassed. That was it. The worst moment of his life.

"No!" she protested quickly. He felt hope blooming somewhere in his chest.

"No?"

"It was wonderful. Absolutely, breath-takingly beautiful."

"Yeah?" he asked shyly.

"Yeah."

"Good," he joked weakly, relief washing over his whole body. "That was kind of what I was going for."

"You pulled it off perfectly," she answered, adoration pouring out of her voice. Her next words confused him. "Come over tonight."

"I thought you were going out with your parents tonight?"

"Apparently not. Dad's client from Washington just called and demanded to see him. He's leaving in a few hours."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Daddy's going too. He demanded that dad take him. He said they haven't gone for any romantic getaways in ages. You should have seen him. It was his best dramatic performance yet."

"_Ah_." He always did like her daddy better. "So you're all by yourself tonight?"

"Yes," she answered, the tone of her voice deceivingly glum. "All by my lonesome. In this big house. Alone." He felt a smile tugging at the left corner of his lips.

"Want me to sleep over?" he offered helpfully. "You know, in case of burglars or whatever." He was grinning like the cheshire cat by then.

"Why, that's very chivalrous of you Finn," she answered gratefully. "I do feel the need for protection. We both know how susceptible my home is to break-ins."

"Right, right. So, eight sounds good?"

"Eight is perfect." He was definitely ditching work the next day. Sheets 'N' Things could go down in flames for all he cared.

He told his mom he was spending the night at Puck's to finish their Call of Duty Marathon and at seven thirty, had taken his old bike out of the shed and began his fifteen minute journey to her house. It wasn't until he rang the doorbell that he realized he was practically shaking with the anticipation. The door had swung open to reveal her beaming face less then five seconds later, which left him somewhat bewildered.

"Hey," he said, his hands in his pocket.

"Hey. Come in." He eagerly entered her house, closed the door behind him and turned to face her. It took Finn approximately two seconds to realize that Rachel was running towards him at full speed and opened his arms just in time for her to jump into them, her legs locking themselves firmly around his waist.

"Hey," she said again, her voice lower this time, her face inches away from his. He smirked.

"Missed me a lot, huh?"

"Missed you _so_ much," she answered seriously. His arms were firmly clasped below her thighs as he held her up and pressed her against him. In a motion that was smoother than he thought he was capable of, he had her pinned against the door, grinning shamelessly at her breathlessness.

"I missed you too," he whispered against her ear, kissing her there softly to mimick her actions earlier in the day. They lost themselves in each other for a good fifteen minutes before he released her, smiling at the disheveled way her hair was sticking out everywhere. He knew he probably looked just as rumpled. It was the best kind of messy ever.

She had taken his hand and led him upstairs in those familiar steps that led to her bedroom. He remembered being there at seven that very morning. Her dad had given him exactly five minutes to leave his present. He had ended up placing the white envelope on her pillow, afraid that she wouldn't find it if he left it anywhere else. He remembered the loud thumping of his heart at the thought of her finding it. It was kind of like the thumping his heart was doing then, as he found himself leaning against the headboard of her bed with his legs stretched out in front of him and Rachel making herself comfortable in his lap.

She had her back to him, her arms around one of his, head leaning against his shoulder. He felt her nuzzling the sleeve of his shirt and smiled. They were both quiet, both anticipating. He reached out his free arm to her head, moving her hair so that it all swept to one side.

"I missed your neck," he said softly, continuing their previous game. He leaned his head down to kiss the back of her neck softly, nestling his nose into the place where it met her skull, breathing in her scent deeply. He could feel her goosebumps. Suddenly his nose lost its place as Rachel left his embrace only to turn around so that they were chest to chest.

"What else did you miss?" she murmured, her gaze dark as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Your ears," he answered, tucking her hair behind them.

"I missed your nose," she reciprocated, brushing her nose gently against his, smiling softly.

"I missed your forehead." He pressed a soft kiss there, his hands pushing her body closer into his. His right hand rested under her shirt, just above the shorts she was wearing.

"Your cheeks," she whispered as she grazed them with her fingers and pressed a small kiss on each side.

They continued this way for a while, each naming a different body part, hands moving and groping everywhere and anywhere they could. He was _this_ close to completely losing it. She was killing him. Somewhere along the way, he lost his shirt when Rachel, who apparently missed the small scar on his shoulder from a football injury, decided that it needed to come off if she wanted a closer look. They had both slid down the bed and Rachel Berry was straddling him, as she smiled down at him and ran a finger across his bare chest. He had both hands under her blouse, splayed across her back to pull her down for a long and glorious kiss. When they both pulled back, gasping for air, Finn could have sworn the room was tilting.

"I love you Finn," she murmured against his lips, her fingers burrowing their way into his hair. He answered with a strangled moan as she pulled slightly at them. The feeling that washed over him was insane. He was totally and irrevocably unhinged. "Love me."

He complied enthusiastically. Rachel Berry was back. This summer was history in the making. It was going to be_ awesome_.


	14. Dear Rach

**A/N: Sorry for the delay in this chapter, but this is the last one. For those who don't know, further stories about Finn and Rachel from this AU universe can be read in my other fic, In Vignettes. All my fics have been re-uploaded by now, except for the one shots. I won't be uploading those unless there are people who wants to read them. So if you do, just inform me =). Thanks for reading!**

**And again, this chapter was dedicated to the very first friend I ever made in this fandom, Mara (MaraMac).**

* * *

><p><em>Dear Rach. <em>

_This is awkward. I'm feeling kind of stupid, and this letter is probably going to suck so bad 'cause I've never been good with words. You know that. It's not going to be pretty, not like all your letters because I can't make my words sound beautiful the way you can. I can just spew them out and hope that they make sense. I don't really know why I'm doing this either. But I guess, I know it's something you're going to love, even if it does turn out crappy. And well, I kind of owe it to you, you know? We both know how much my anniversary gift sucked. And it's even worse when yours was so incredibly awesome. I'm going to try my best to use all the words that I have, okay? I'll try to use big words too, like deplorable or retrospect or heathen. Although not those words exactly 'cause they have like, zero to do with what I want to say. I don't actually really know what I want to say. Crap. This is turning out shitty already. Sorry. _

_I guess what I wanted to do was write this letter to tell you about how majorly awesome you are. You were so open with those letters, and it's like I want to be the same with you, you know? I want you to know me too, the way I feel I know you now. So here goes nothing._

_When I was four, my dad died. Well, they finally found his body anyway. I don't really know how old I was when he died cause he had been missing for so long. I know you already know this. But it's the start right? Anyway, everybody told me he was a hero. They said that I should be proud to have an old man like him who sacrificed his life for America or something. For the longest time I thought being a hero meant the same thing as making my mom cry, because she cried buckets everytime someone said something like that. The last thing I wanted to be was a hero._

_The first time I heard you sing, we were seven and you sang Catch a Falling Star at the school talent show. I think I even had a little seven-year old crush on your voice. You totally blew me away. Funny how I just realized you've been doing that to me my whole life. And you know, the first time I thought being a hero might not be so bad after all was after I tried to help you that one time at the playground. I know you remember, 'cause you sort of mentioned it once in your letters. Karofky's been an asshole since he was born, huh? Sorry for the language._

_You know my drum set? I got it from this cool old dude my mom used to work for, Mr Bradley. He gave it to me because his son wasn't using it anymore. That was like, the coolest thing anyone ever gave me. Almost as cool as your letters. I had to wait until I was like ten or something before I got someone to teach me how to play. But it's the one thing I don't have to try all that hard to be good at. I like to think I'm good at drumming like you are at singing. Okay so almost as good cause you're like, the best singer ever and I'm not all that great of a drummer. I just really like it how the beat just seem to hold up a song, you know? I mean most people probably don't even notice the drum beats, but I think it like, guides the song, you know? Right. Totally babbling like an idiot right now. _

_Anyway when I was eleven, my mom had splurged on Emeral Dreams that summer and I met Darren. He dated my mom for a while. It didn't really work out. Darren was kind of a dick, but he changed music for me. It was like, music's always been in my life. But he showed me how to appreciate it. He's kind of a lose cannon. I think the only thing in his life he's ever been loyal to was his music. That's kind of cool, I guess. I'd never even heard of Journey before that guy, so for that reason alone I'll always be grateful, because who knows what would have happened to glee otherwise?_

_The first time I knew I was a Lima loser was when I was twelve. You know Ms Sweeney? Our English teacher? I overheard her once when I went back to class' cause I left my notebook on my desk. She was talking to Mr Hong about how it was too bad I wasn't very bright because I was a good kid. She didn't call me a Lima loser, but I got the point. I think that was why I was so afraid of being called a loser, you know? 'Cause it's like, I know I am one, but that didn't mean I wanted anyone else to know it too._

_The first kid I threw into a dumpster was Daniel Lizewski. Remember him? That weird kid who used to breathe with his mouth and never talked to anyone? The poor guy was just minding his own business, reading his Spiderman comic when Puck and I had hauled him up and did the deed. I felt like throwing up after that. He moved away a few weeks later to Washington or wherever. It's funny. All my so-called friends, we used to call people who weren't like us freaks and losers. But people like Daniel Lizewski, and people like you, you're all getting out of this place. We're the ones stuck here for the rest of our lives._

_I joined glee 'cause Mr Schue found pot in my locker. I bet you didn't know that. He blackmailed me, you know. It was either that or my permanet record was tranished forever. I'm glad for it now, but back then, I swore I saw my social life getting hit by a bus right in front of me. I mean I always thought glee was kind of fun. I used to see you sing and dance and stuff and you looked really happy. But Sandy Ryerson freaked me out and everyone in it was kind of lame. Sorry babe. And back then I still had my head up my ass, trying to be Mr Cool Guy and all. _

_The first time someone ever made me feel like I was worth anything more than this shitty town, she told me I was very talented. And she should know. She's very talented too. You know that whole thing you said, about me being part of the equation? About you being thrusted into my life? You fought your way into it Rachel. I got thrusted into yours first when I joined glee, which, hands down, was the best thing that ever happened to me. I guess we were just ineveitable or something. That's the right word, right?_

_It's funny. I used to wonder how I managed to get all tangled up with you. It was like the more I try to pull away, the more tangled I was because even when you weren't around I kept thinking about you. It used to be because I was worried you were going to go all Swimfan on me, but then after a while I totally got used to it. And then you just kept me thinking about all the crazy things you do, and the weird things that you say. Did you know you got me up at night sometimes, googling some random word 'cause I was trying to figure out whether or not you just insulted me earlier in the day? And then really bad shit started happening, and I still kept thinking about you. Every single star I saw reminded me of you. Even the lame paper cut-out ones that they hang up all over the drugstore at the mall. I think that was when I realized I was screwed._

_For the longest time I thought it was so weird how you and I just kind of came together, like it was some sort of freak accident or something. But you know when I think about it, you've always been in my life Rach. Even when you weren't. 'Cause the first time I heard you sing? I can still remember what that was like today. And that one time I stood up for you when we were kids? Remember in your letter? When you talked about me helping you once when Puck threw a slushie in your face? You know why I did that? It was 'cause I kept thinking about that one time when we were kids and I tried to help you with Karofsky. You told me when I almost quit glee that I was better then all of them. I don't know why, but when you said that, I knew it could be true. It's like you're kind of my conscience or something. _

_Nobody ever believed in me the way you do. Except maybe my mom. But she's my mom. She's supposed to. You told me I was a leader. And it made me want to be one. Lets face it. The only reason they made me the quarterback was because I could throw a decent pass. And with the way the football team is, it's not like it was some big responsibility or anything. But then glee came along, and you came along with it. And then I just felt like I had to step up, you know? For once in my life, I finally felt like there's something worth fighting for. Cause you believe in me, and I can't just let you down, right? Even though I know I did. Like a bunch of times. But you made me want to try Rach. I'm making progress too, right?_

_When the whole baby thing happened, you were the only person in the world I knew I could trust. You're the best person I know. Nobody else is as kind as you, or as nice or forgiving. Nobody can even come close. You're my favorite girl, you know that? Scratch that. You're my favorite person ever. You took a loser like me and you made me believe I can get out of this place. I know I can. Because of you. You just make me want to be better. You know that thing you wrote about what Mr Schue told you? About finding someone to love you, even the bad parts? Well, ditto on that. Nobody is ever going to love me like you do, because we're epic, just like you said. The thing is, I know I'm never going to feel this way about anyone else ever, because you're something else Rachel Berry. You're a star. You're my star. We're totally epic babe. And that's just wicked awesome._

_So like, I need to end this now cause I'm in my car in front of your house, and your dad's been looking out the window every few minutes since I got here. I had like, two hours to write this so I know it's crap. And you know, sorry for all the cussing and stuff because you know they just come naturally. So that's it. Some stuff about me that you maybe didn't know. And I know this letter has got nothing on yours, because the things you said just blew me away. But I just wanted you to know. I appreciate you. And that you changed my life too, Rach. And I'm glad I'm me. This me. The me I am with you. And I'm glad you're you too, cause you're awesome. And I'm really, really glad that we're together, because we would probably be different people if we weren't, and I'm pretty sure I would have turned into a douchebag._

_Okay now I really have to go cause your dad just walked out the door and I don't really want him to see this. Man, I just can't think of an awesome way to end this thing. I love you Rachel Barbra Berry. Forever._

_Finn Hudson._

_P/S: Sorry for the really crappy handwriting. I'm kind of in a rush here. Plus, this was kind of a spontaneous, spur of the moment thing. _


End file.
